A short story about Adam Sandler

Hey readers, sorry I haven't been updating but I've been unmotivated recently and stuff. Anyway I found a web page with a bunch of writing excercises so I'm trying to do them all. This is the first one, anyway, enjoy! comments or critiscm from anyone who reads this would be great!

Adam Sandler was just starting to enjoy the tension releasing waves being produced by his massage chair when there was a knock on the door. Why? Why was he being interrupted just when he was finally starting to forget the string of mishaps which had so far beset the filming of his new movie, 'Harper in the Hamptons'.

When he first read the screenplay he was sure this was going to be a hit, the plot was genius. He played Rocko Harper, an anger prone but unlucky former baseball player who'd never made the big leagues, but still had the naivety of a child. Spending his days drinking with a varied assortment of loveable losers, his battle rapper best friend, the psycopathic but colour blind barman, a bearded transvestite, the octogenarian woman who's always looking to 'get some'. in his local bar. He had a pathetic but hilarity filled life. That is until the day a drunken millionaire died after a string of mishaps involving a fire extinguisher, the overhead fan and a pair of blow up sex dolls. Suffice to say Rocko ends up moving to the hamptons, along with his band of misfit outcasts, where he is initially treated poorly. Eventually however he manages to win over the snobs with his hard partying baseball loving ways.

But despite the dynamite script things hadn't quite worked out, casting was a nightmare, how hard was it to find a decent rapper actor? Harder then you'd think, they'd been turned down by Mos Def, Ice Cube, Method Man, Redman, DMX, eventually they'd had to settle for the unknown MC Skeleton Ghost, who claimed that all his recordings were 'so tight we couldn't even release that shit', the suits bought it but Adam still suspected he wasn't a real rapper.

The leading lady had been even worse, the script called for 'tits and hair', not a problem usually, one of the producers claimed to have the perfect actress ready, and coincedentally she was his girlfriend. Her screen test had gone well and Adam and the director had been happy, until she opened her mouth, Adam had been in many films with special effects, but none managed to be as impressive as the effect produced by her voice, every word was like having a thousand demons drag their claws across your face and lick the back of your ears with their pointed scaly tongues

And now, what? Wearily he turned to the door "Enter", it was the director, he couldn't recall his name right now.

"Adam, we need to go over todays schedule, we may need to make some changes to the script"

"Why, what is it now? What is this shit?"

In frustration Adam started kicking and stamping on a 42 inch Sanyo plasma screen, it was placed there expressly for that purpose, there'd be another one there soon. "God fuck damnit, always more problems. What did I do? Please tell me, what did I do to deserve this shit?

"Adam please, it's just a few minor-"

"No, whaughh, stop talking! Just shut up."

"Adam I-

"Arghh, answer my question, what did I do?"

Flailing and smashing and having already destroyed the plasma screen Adam started punching and kicking the wall seperating the bathroom from the main trailer. It fell under his fists surprisingly quickly, maybe the new excercise regime his trainer had got him doing was working after all. After a few minutes nothing was left of the partition, he collapsed in the rubble, spent.

"We can replace that wall, it's not a problem, here, have a Werthers Original"

As soon as the delicious caramel sweet was in his mouth Adam felt better, the sugary sweet candy danced and played around his tongue, delicious soft honey goodness. He knew it was supposed to mollify him but he didn't mind. In fact sometimes he suspected he was more likely to rage knowing his reward was coming, but he could never admit that to his director, and epecially not to himself. As the golden drop of pleasure melted in his mouth he started to relax. Times like this were necessary, to remind him what it was all about.

"Thanks"

"No problem Adam, now how about we look at these changes"

"Yeah sure. You know we didn't have Werthers Originals when I was a kid, in Brooklyn."

"Really? that's nice Adam. Now how about we start going over this."

The director started going through his sheaves of paper.

"Now the scene at the yacht club, you'll be disguised as a waiter."

"I get to wear red right?"

"Adam we've gone over this, we've got dozens of extras here all dressed in the black and white. It's too late to make big costume changes now

"I should wear red, It'll look good, see ,see" he put on his simple voice of childlike innocence "I'm, ah, a special waiter, I don't know why they, ah, got me dressed like this, heh. Then I spill the soup and instead of getting the towels, to clean them up like I say, I sneak out and get to the speedboat"

"Well, that's what we want to change. How about this, you spill the soup, but the guy is really annoyed. He calls you an idiot, a moron, and as he's going on this tirade, we get closer and tighter in on you, his voice starts to fade out, we see-"

"We see the rage building in your face, and that's when you snap Adam, you start yelling and shouting and..."

"Then you mash the potatoes into his face! What do you think, good? I have to be honest, I think it's dynamite."

Adam's vision start to swim back into focus, what was that? What just happened?

"Yeah, yeah sure. Ok cool whatever. What's next?"

"Well then we've got the scene at the formal dance. Most of this is already taken care of, now when you get on stage, how about, before you grab the guitar, The Admiral tries to stop you. You clock him one in the eye, and-"

..."All the stiffs try to stop you, and we'll put in a reaction shot of your buddy going damn."...

..."Outrageously in-your-face"...

..."Possibly a cameo, one of those guys people like ironically, maybe Chuck Norris"...

..."Mr T is available they confirmed today, we're thinking if Gary Colemans ok he can carry him on his back for the big race, or maybe even get a mini speedboat for Gary? That's genius! Adam, what do you think? Adam? Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine" What was going on? "Just, just get out of here".

"Ok" The Director was looking at him funny, "See you out on set, 10 minutes"

Adam looked at himself in the mirror. What was happening? Had he already been here? Done all this? Was he forever going to be stuck playing the same characters, making the same jokes? Locked in a spiral of slapstick and screaming, a spiral that could only end in an ignominious demise, a footnote in the annals of cinematic comedy. Was he doomed to forever repeat himself? Unable to change anything, unable to break this curse?

He really wished he hadn't murdered that gypsy hooker when he was in university.




Hey, that's over, hope you liked it! hopefully mopre regular updates soon!

Advice

Believe it or not, every day at spark the night we receive dozens of email from people looking for advice for all sorts of problems. In fact so many have been received recently that I've been to busy answering them to actually write any sort of update. Anyway, by way of killing two birds with one stone (a practice which is drastically overrated in my opinion) I thought I would answer some of these questions here.

To Uncomfortable in DW

The best solution to your problem is to politely remind your co workers that the office is not an appropriate place for that sort of behaviour. Explain them that dog fighting is illegal and politely request they reimburse you for your rabies shots and the loss of your puppies.

To Awkward in PY
Try explaining to the teachers and other PTA members that it was all a misunderstanding. Your speech was switched with this other one and you didn't realise until you were half way through, you thought that it was safer to continue on with what you were reading than to risk boring people by starting a new speech. Deny any knowledge of the Aryan Purity Brotherhood, their goals or beliefs. If all else fails remind them that you are the one who should be punished, not little Adolf.

To Bored in DA
I'm sorry but your balloon is lost forever, try holding on tighter to the string next time or maybe even buy standard, non helium filled, balloons instead.

To Excruciating in KA
First of all, relax. Then slowly remove your hand from the boiling water, not too fast though! The slightest incorrect movement might upset the precariously balanced collection of knives and swords hanging over your head which are attached to your arm by a single piece of thread. Ok? Now, with your other hand keep feeling around in the stinging nettles and fire ants, found the Croc-Chow yet? Well I hope so, if my prediction's are correct the crocodiles circling you naked body are going to be getting pretty hungry by now and you'll need this to distract them. Ok now they're taken care of you can start patting out the fire on your head. Finally head to your local vetenarian and they should be able to do something about the vipers which are attached to your testicles.

To Sticky in FG
Try getting a dog to lick it off.

To Frustrated in GN
I'm sorry to break it to you like this but I'm afraid the reason Marie won't sleep with you isn't because you're putting her under too much pressure, it's not because you unable to bring her to the fancy restaurants she loves or because she's afraid afterwards you won't treat her the same. Your efforts to wash yourself speak in full sentences are a step in the right direction, and please don't give them up, but the fact remains that Marie won't sleep with you because she's just an upside down mop.

To Besieged in TY
Ok, you're still the acting head of state for the moment, now's the time to act. Start a series of attack ads against the rebel leaders to discourage their followers and discredit the movement. Sentdout the police and military to disperse protesters. Promise a 'freedom rebate' to your people, money in exchange for their loyalty. If none of this works then an elaborate charade might be in order, a popular tactic is to make it appear your country is under attack from your country, in the future, think Wag the Dog, only instead of Dustin Hoffman there's a killbot with lasers for eyes. The only way to stop defeat at the hands of these future bastards is to support the current government so that the bad guys never come to power in the first place.

To Ow it Burns in QQQ
Run to the sink and turn the cold tap, place your mouth under the running water and let it sooth your burns. Next time someone bets you you can't eat fire just laugh them off, you'll be the bigger man.

To Haunted in OO
I've no record of any high level phantasamings in your area so it sounds like this is just your average haunting, sorry to break it to you but you probably don't need all that fancy ghost hunting equipment, an average spectral net and some ghost lure (an tape of ghost pornography should suffice) should be more then enough with the edition of a luminous painted bat or crowbar. Just arrange the trap as usual with the ghost porn playing and when the spirit is caught start beating him with your glow in the dark weapon. He should soon reveal whether your family are still in a part of the spirit realm where they can be retrieved or, as I suspect, they've been enslaved by ghost pirates.

Sorry I couldn't answer everyones letters, but I hope I helped some of you guys out there! For anyone else in need of advice pick from this list of every reasonable answer:

Yes

Maybe

4-0

Definitely

Just kiss her you fool

No

Short Back and Sides

Buzz Aldrin

The Lion

First go over with the chicken and the grain, then back with the grain, take the fox over but bring back the chicken, then bring the grain over, leave it with the fox and finally return for the chicken. You did it!

Till next time!

Virtua Fighter 5 Gamer Guide (part 3, final round!)

Well folks here we are, the final part of this exhaustive guide to Virtua Fighter 5. This time we have our final three fighters and also the combat tips!

FIGHT!

BRAD BURNS
Lost on a hunting trip when just a babe (it wasn't anything dramatic, his father left him asleep on the ground and forgot about him. He was halfway home before he noticed and, not wanting to pay through the toll bridge again (he had a grudge against the county) decided it was better to just pretend the kid had been kidnapped by "mexican bandits by the looks of them") Brad was found and raised by a grizzly old woodsman known only as Ol' Grizzly, The Man of The Woods. Ol' Grizz thought the lad the ways of the forest, and his mute Thai manservant taught him the deadly martial arts of his homeland. As he wandered through the woods, pausing only to kick the ribcage out of the occassional wolves chest, Brad would look at the stars and dream, wondering what the future would bring.

Now, as he prepares to fight in the ultimate combat tournament, Brad Burns is a much changed man. His tailored suits, slick hairstyle, chisseled physique and fancy ways speak of a sophisticated gentleman brutalist. But inside he is still that lost infant, crying in the rain. Do it Brad, do it for Ol' Grizz plus that other guy!

Them's fighting words:
Nothing is faster then my fists, not even the swiftest snake! (punches air several times) Well, I guess maybe a really fast snake.

Yeah, fighting, Yeah! (jumps up and down, kicking and punching, accidently kills some guy) I looooove to fight baby!

WOLF HAWKFIELD
Wolf, Wolf Hawkfield. In the tradition of such luminaries as Chaingun McSawblade, Rocky Von Doom-Cock, Captain Crackfist Smackface and Little Jimmy 'The Scourge of the Unrighteous whom He will Destroy with Excessive Violence' Smith, Wolf has a name that's not so much a name, as a descriptor, or a promise. Yes, this lone hunter hunts in a pack of one, has fantastic vision and lives only on what he can kill with his bare hands, swooping out of the sky to land on his prey and devour them whole. He also enjoys walking in fields and meadows.

This all makes it even more puzzling why his gimmick during his short lived stint in the WWE was as 'The Enviro-mentalist'. Vince McMahon was in need of a new heel but this just didn't suit Wolf, well known for his hatred of animals. The events of the infamous storyline which climaxed with Wolf fighting Triple H in a match to save a variety of endangered animals, suspended above the ring, don't need repeating here. Suffice to say it was enough to finally piss of the World Wildlife Fund so much that they took legal action and made the then WWF change it's name. It also finished Wolf as a professional wrestler and he returned to the Alaskan wastelands in disgrace, a broken bitter man.

Now the new Ultimate Virtual Fighting tournament has started. Perhaps if he brutalizes enough opponents, some of whom are probably evil, he will have a chance for redemption.


In-ring taunts:
May the space warriors who call me their kin grant me victory in this match (beats chest) the blood of the warrior flows through my heart and cries out for battle!

(lick fingers and holds it aloft in the air) an ill wind blows for my opponent, all who dare face me shall die and their dreams will be forgotten. For I am the holder of the sacred truths of combat!

AOI UMENOKOUJI
Strong defensively but occasionally limited when attacking, Aoi is a solid choice and in the hands of an experienced player she can beat anyone. 8/10

Stuff she says:

I sure hope I wine this match (does single kick while staring emotionlessly forward) that would allow me to continue on to the next opponent.

A good battle, I'm glad I won. (wipes microscopic piece of dust from lapel) the best part was the good sportsmanship on display from all involved. Three cheers for civility.



BATTLE TACTICS
So now we've met our fighter, but how will we lead them to victory? True mastery of Virtua Fighter involves knowing the ins and outs of ever fighter's moves, stances and etc and if you expect me to know this shit you're dead wrong buddy.

You here me? Dead wrong, you piece of shit, you cock swallowing fuckrat, you putrid speck of diseased gorilla ejaculate, get out of my face! You sicken me.

Anyway, most of the guides online give you the same information, it's all PPKK>PK
Punches: usually faster then kicks, use them when you want to hit your opponent

Kicks: Usually slower then punches, but they'll pack more of a punch... wait. Eh, use them at your discretion.

Throws: These are good for when your opponent is blocking. Usually I can only manage to do the same one or two but other people can do a wide variety! Ask them how.

Blocking: Block your opponents attacks with a well timed block. Simply press the block button and your opponent will be shocked to find his attacks are somehow being blocked!

Running: Occasionaly, maybe towards the end of the fight, you'll want to run at your opponent by double tapping forward, then press the kick button. If it works out you should kick your opponent in the head, it makes you feel like a badass!

Other moves: ?

Well I hope you enjoyed this guide. Perhaps one day we will meet on the Virtual Fighting ground of Xbox live. Till next time readers

FIGHT!

Virtua Fighter Game Guide (part 2)

Yo yo what up in this hizz house my chums (sorry, I been listening to the new Bobby Digital, it be the shiznit etc) anyway on with our Virtua Fighter Guide. Here's some more characters plus some combat tips. Part one can be found lower down the page. I used most of my good jokes in that one so if you can only read one of these for some reason make it that one!

FIGHT

VANESSA LEWIS

Large breasted Vanessa fights for no other reason than a love of combat, she has travelled the world engaging in streetfights against all manner of characters- Robotic skeletons with swords for hands, three eight year olds standing on each others shoulders and carrying uzis, one time she even beat up 17 Lion Men and a Panda Woman (furry convention) This all makes her choice to leave her breasts pretty much completely exposed during battle even more puzzling. Sure it distracts the occasional fighter but, hey lady, you see that ninja? The one staring at you while licking a blade? He learned how to retract his testicles as a form of self defence 17 years ago and he still hasn't unretracted them. You might want to start wearing some sort of protective shirt.


In the heat of combat:

Heh, another fight (without looking swings her arm out, braining a curious monkey) Lets go!

I totally won that battle (turns to camera and bends over, winks and blows kiss) hey, ever notice I've got boobs?

GOH HINOGAMI

When eccentric billionare Rudolph Worsmt-Nuffikin assembled a team of the most evil scientists ever, then instructed them to create the ultimate fighter, people called him eccentric. When he later realised he'd made a terrible mistake and rushed to their secret lab of evil, only to find it mysteriously disappeared as per his instructions (he actually specified 'mysteriously' not just normally dissapeared) they called him a madman. But when his creation of evil single handedly defeated Stalin in unarmed combat, thus defeating the communist menace before Joseph McCarthy's Doombots could start rolling of the production line, they called him a hero and a patriot. The lesson? I really don't know, he's a talkin' zombie who does Judo, and maybe that's what really matters.

Heed His Threats:
Little girl, you are not ready to battle with me (relaxes, starts rolling a smoke) don't worry, take all the time you need!

With the power of Judo, I can defeat any enemy (pulls out tiny Japanese flag) Japan number 1!!!

JACKY BRYANT
Growing up under the shadow of her illustrious sister, Jacqueline Bryant always felt second best. No matter what she did it always seemed like Sarah was the one who got all the attention, all the praise and all the boys. When they sparred together Jacqui could never quite keep up, her sisters fancy footwork and razor sharp reactions overwhelming her, try as she might.

It was after one such session, with her body pressed down into the mud, held there by her sisters firm buttocks, shapely and ripe, promising untold pleasures and - Woah! Anyway, It was then that she reached the end of her tether, she had had enough, something must be done.

She considered her problem, her sister was superior in every way, no woman could defeat her! It was hopeless, but wait! What if?

One year later a new figure stepped into the Dojo, confident and pretty, with a certain sassy masculinity, this was the new Jacqui. You see she had realised the only way to defeat her sister was to harness the natural superiority of the male sex. It took many hours of painful surgery but the new 'Jacky' Bryant was ready to defeat his sister, and prove she was every bit her equal, no, better!

Unfortuantly it didn't work, Sarah continued to trounce her new brother in every battle and Jacky regretted his decision every day. Perhaps if he wins this tournament he can make amends, with himself.


He Says Things!:
Speed beats power everytime!(dances around, kicks) That's what I keep telling myself anyway

Wait, hold on, so you're saying paper beats rock? (looks at fingers in confusion) That means I've been a ghost all along!

EL BLAZE
Lucha Libre fighter El Blaze was hanging out poolside when he got the call, the new tournament was starting, they wanted him to fight. Looking at his butler with an expression of contempt bordering on disgust he asked the question, the answer of which was the only thing that mattered. "Do they still give you those official tournament T Shirts, even if you lose?". The butler nodded in the affirmitive. Whistling for his private helicopter, which was always on hand and summoned by whistles, El Blaze donned his best wrestling mask, it was going to be a good weekend.

Taunts:
With my acrobatic wrestling style (backflips into a summersault) no one can defeat me (cartwheels around ring, hugs adoring fans) Woaaaahhh!! (gets tangled in ropes comically)

I love fighting! It's good excercise, and healthier then sitting in front of the TV all day! (holds up cereal box) eat Luchios, they're Luchtaculous!



EILEEN
With her pixie like hair do, adorable monkey fighting style, heart full of innocence and spunky attitude, Eileen is a refreshing breath of fresh air in the sometimes stale world of Virtua Fighting. That only makes the sight of her being brutally manhandled, kicked over and over in the head, snapped over the knee of a psychotic giant and thrown into electric walls all the more hilarious, distressing! What were you thinking Eilenn? What were you thinking?

Listen to her proud boasts:
I may be tiny, but my heart is filled with positivity, and that's enough to win any battle (does little nod) Especially the battle against the filthy Zionist menace.

Hey I won, can you believe it?(looks around at audience) seriously, this is pretty surprising, what happens now? I, I fight someone else? haha, yeah I- (starts looking increasingly alarmed) you're not joking?



Ok, so next time we're gonna round of the rest of the fighters, plus some combat tips!

Virtua Fighter 5 Game Guide (part 1)

Hey readers! I know what you're thinking "why hasn't sparkthenight updated, life is so dull without it's prescence. Wait, maybe it's updated now! No... still no update. I guess suicide is the only option." Well I'm here to say, Woah, relax, get off that balcony, put down that razor blade, call poison control, uh... un-set yourself on fire... ok, that's one reader I've lost but the rest of you don't worry! Here's an iluminating guide to Virtua Fighter 5

The latest in the Virtua Fighter series, number 5 truly lives up to it's reputation as 'the fighters fighter'. But that doesn't mean you have to be a kung fu master to be good at the game, no, all you need is to follow the advice outlined in this guide.

FIGHT!

CHARACTERS
The characters in this game are a varied bunch of cut throat martial artists, you must be familiar with all of them if you hope to achieve true mastery. Here we have some info on the fighters, along with some of their dialogue from the game:


AKIRA: Ever since being thrown out of a Ryu lookalike contest, Akira has been consumed with one passion, revenge. To this end he has trained night and day, honing his skills in order to become the greatest fighter, in the greatest fighting series of all! One day there will be lookalike contests in his honour, and no one will be barred in disgrace for trying to bribe the judges with oral sex! Unless they're fat.

Before match:
Victory will be mine! (punches through concrete) I'm at least eighty percent sure.

(yawning) Aw man, a battle? I'm already so tired (stretches, suddenly turns to look opponent directly in the eyes) tired from humping your mom all night long that is. She loved it, slag.


SARAH: Utilising the deadly fighting style 'Martial Arts', Sarah is easily one of the best fighters in the game. Speed, power, an array of most deadly kicks. She is without doubt as fearsome as she is beautiful. Also I love those earrings she wears, in fact I really admire all her accessories. Really. She's probably the best fighter in the game. 10/10.

(Sorry readers, I'm hoping that when she reads this she'll realise how much she likes me, then she might answer my letters!)



As witty as she is beautiful:
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win this battle (looks opponent up and down, curls nose) Make that very sure.

That's funny, I heard you were a great fighter. (spins, makes peace sign at camera) I should probably visit my ear doctor.

LAU CHAN Old man Lau should be the greatest fighter, but one thing holds him back, his age. As evidenced by the way he coughs before many battles, he is a sick man, no longer able to survive in the fast paced world of travelling around punching and kicking people. Can he persevere and win before his body gives in to the ravages of the several diseases he has? Or will he die, ashamed and humiliated when people find out the secret he's been carrying within him all these years. The secret that he doesn't know how to do kung fu at all, he's just been flailing his arms around wildly and somehow it's worked so far.

Pre Fight Taunt:
I may be old (whirls arms around, kicks air) but you are ugly!

You are far from learning true wisdom (cuts flame in half with hidden shoe-blade) incidentally, would you be interested in helping me transfer money from my Nigerian bank account?


JEFFREY WILD: The biggest and strongest of all the fighters, inside Jeffrey is a kind gentle man. Sure he may enjoy wounding animals, but it's only so he can nurse them back to health, yes, you may say, but isn't it true that he then goes on to wound them again? Well yeah, but that's only so he can nurse them back to health again, you know, to hone his skills, and, before you say it, he wounds them the third time so that he can give them to the orphans he cares for, so they may learn the joys of nursing animals back to health. Okay, so the orphans are only orphans because he killed their parents, yeah okay you win, he's just a big muscley bastard



In Game Boasts:
I am the strongest, (stamps on ground, roars, displays biceps) look at my muscles!

Ha Ha (waves arms like angry gorilla) It is fun to be strong. Ah 'tis true what they say, to crush the innocent is the finest pleasure of all!


KAGE-MARU: Being a ninja, kage maru's natural enemy is the pirate. HA HA, did you see what I just did? Pirates! Just imagine, a ninja fighting a pirate, they're natural enemies! ha ha, oh god.

Anyway, Kage is a such a crappy ninja he should be called a nonja. No matter how many different button combinations I pressed it was impossible to make him melt into shadows, throw ninja stars, deliver messages to his opponents via tiny robot or even assassinate a shogun. Sure he can do flips, but so can Robin, and do I have a poster of Chris O Donnell on my wall? Not since last Wednesday! Poor show Kage. Fag.



Battle Cries:
Niiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn(backflips)nnnjjjjjjjjjjaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The way of the ninja is really tough (throws knife through butterfly) bet you couldn't be one.

LEI-FAI: A devout shaolin monk, when he's not competing in martial arts tournaments Lei Fei can be found balancing on his finger tips for days at a time, carrying buckets of water up staircases only to pour them into a resevoir which carries the water back to the bottom, being at one with the universe and practicing air guitar in front of his mirror, he's getting pretty good!

After The Match:
That was (changes pose) easy (changes pose) why don't (changes pose) you try (changes pose) another time (falls over).

Looks like you 'Became One'. With my fist! (turns away from opponent, winces and places fist in ice)


PAI CHAN: She's Lau's daughter! Aww, she wants to follow in her fathers footsteps! Sounds perfect right? wrong. There's just one thing marring this little story, this perfect picture- of deceit!

Yes that's right, in the course of my investigations I discovered a few interesting facts about our friend Pai, or should I say Pui! That's right, Pui Ling, a professional actress from a small town in Tsingtao. Down on her luck, she got a mysterious job offer, pretend to be this girl Pai, fight in a few martial arts tournaments, do a few interviews and get paid a fortune. She's living from day to day, she's not going to ask any questions, no, the girl did what any of us would under the circumstances. She's not to blame.

But what of the original Pai, what happened to her? Well my friends, therein lies the mystery, the dirty secret hiding behind the golden Virtua Fighter facade, for you see THE VIRTUA FIGHTER TOURNAMENT IS BLAMELESS. THERE IS NO MYSTERY. I AM GOING TO RETURN TO MY FAMILY WHO I LOVE. LETS ALL ENJOY THE VF FIGHTS!




Threatening her Opponent:
I may be a woman (punches air, does high kick) but that doesn't mean I don't like fighting!

Although I do like fighting, I like kittens even more (kneels down to embrace group of kittens) tee hee, oh how they delight my tiny woman brain.


LION RAFALE
As a young, blonde, French boy Lion dreamed of one thing, becoming an accountant. His parents however had other plans, he was to be a fighter. Every day Lion would run away, find somewhere secret, open up his maths books and start busting those numbers, but his parents always found him and dragged him off to fighting school. No matter how much he begged and screamed they wouldn't listen, he was to be a warrior "Why do you think we named you Lion?" his father would ask, and that would be that.

What his father didn't tell Lion was, he couldn't even remember why he'd chosen that name. He'd woken up after a nights boozing and found out he'd made a bet with his enemy, Pierre McFrench, that he'd call his son Lion and train him to be a fighter. No way was he going to give that McFrench bastard the satisfaction of winning the bet. Besides, after a few years he forgot about his dreams of having an accountant son.

Get ready to fight:
Yeah yeah, let's do this (spin kicks, punches air, dances a little) hey, do you ever think there's more to life the fighting?

That was a pretty good battle (helps opponent up) you wanna maybe grab a coffee later? No pressure!


That's all for now readers! Next time we're gonna have some more fighters and some important battle tactics (sneak preview, punch and kick your opponent in the face)

What your Favourite Sandwich says about You

Ever since the noble Lord Sandwich declined to take a break from his game of Baccarat and instead insisted that his manservant bring him meat and bread, then placed the meat within the bread, then ordered his manservant be flogged for having a presumptious air about him, then made a ribald comment about the scullery maid, then requested a drink, then realised that the servant who usually made him his drinks was being flogged, then went to get the drink himself, then got confused as to the correct way to make the drink and had to consult the Viscount Sex on The Beach (who was also present), then had to grudgingly admit that that was a pretty good cocktail, then spent several minutes ruminating upon what it would be like to sleep with the Viscounts wife and exactly how the circumstances which would enable this to take place could be brought about, then had to adjust his pants as his erection was getting rather uncomfortable, then realised that the scullery maid was looking at him and that he was doing something rather improper for a man of his influence and prestige, then ran after her, while still adjusting his pants, shouting "wait wait, I can explain!", then, in his haste and off balance, tripped over a fold in the carpet, then, while tumbling headfirst down the stairway, made a mental note to have the manservant flogged for the shoddy condition of the carpet and was pleased with himself when he remembered he'd already done so, then landed in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs and hastily exclaimed "bugger and blast it all", then realised his wife and eight year old daughter were only just returned from Brighton Beach and had witnessed the whole affair, then told from the look in his wife's eyes that he would unfortunately not be getting flogged that night, then returned to the Baccarat table in a sulk, then remembered how hungry he was, then ate the bread with the meat in it and thus invented the food which would henceforth carry his name, man has always loved sandwiches.

But what can our choice of sandwich tell us about ourselves? Join me on this journey of sandwich analysis and find out!

Ham and Cheese: Boring and conventional, or at least that's what you want people to think, when at home you no doubt enjoy wearing ladies underwear, or, if you're already a lady, you enjoy dressing like a lumberjack or 1920's tycoon.

Ham, Cheese and Coleslaw: A twist on a classic, with Venus in the ascendecy this sandwich choice bodes well for a new love affair and perhaps a promotion at work. But be sure not to wear a raincoat on Tuesday!

Tuna, Coleslaw and Sweetcorn: Seriously, this is your favourite? Wait, without buttert or mayonaisse because the coleslaw provides enough mayonaisse already right? No way, me to! Man, we're sandwich buddies!

Salami, Ham, Beef, Steaks instead of bread: Hello!? Overcompensate much? Don't worry buddy, we won't think less of you if you put some vegetables in there. Discount the preceding if you are in fact a lion in a zoo or other caged animal, this is probably just your feeder trying to get a little creative at lunchtime, and who can blame him?


Vegetarian: Hey you know who else was a vegetartian? Hitler, that's who. I'm just saying is all. Saying you're Hitler (or worse then) that is.

Well I hope you enjoyed this look into the world of sandwich's and what they tell us about ourselves. I'm pretty sure the opening sentence was longer then the actual article, what up with that Homes? If you didn't enjoy the article... look, I, I'm sorry alright, Jesus, I'm trying my best here, just get off my back Jerklumps!



Like the pictures? Ok so they're just pictures of sandwichs but both these guys have cool stuff on theire flickr pages (including a rastafarian kitten, seriously, if you get nothing else from this article at least check out the kitty!):

http://flickr.com/photos/moriza/

http://flickr.com/photos/kitsa_sakurako/

Some cool videos for you

Blog Blog Blog Blog. Now where were we?

I've got the flu! I'm all drowsy and stuff from the pills I've been taking, I've been sick for about four days now. I'm hoping I'll be better tomorrow.

So politics, eh? These American elections are getting crazier by the day, it's pretty exciting! To be honest, as someone who is generally cynical about politicians it's also kind of sickening. I mean, when people are using Alaska being close to Russia and thus being from Alaska gives you foreign policy experience as an argument, regardless of whether they actually believe it or not, the fact that they can say something so incredibly stupid. I mean, that's just an insult, expecting people not to laugh straight in the face of such idiocy.

Still these people are the professionals, they know what they're doing.

Anyway, here's a great video that really shows how well everything is managed by these people:



it's just incredible really. Of course all this is just my opinion, not everyone agrees with me and who am I to tell people what to think? (answer: no one). It's life people, we should try to enjoy it!


So I was planning on writing something funny but I really feel too sick. While there is no cure for the common cold there is a cure for feeling bad though, check this out:

Wait a minute! I was about to embed another video, (then I was gonna say "looks like I got the embedding video bug too"(heh)) but Youtube won't let me. Can, can they do that? Apparently so, anyway

Katsumi Yamada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX21d-aDsNc
Ayako Miyake
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDqY8dWsLWQ

The dedication and determination and everything shown by these guys is really incredible.

Yeah that's all. Man this blog has really gone downhill recently I think. Oh well!