1. Lions are the undisputed kings of the jungle, having won the crown in a thrilling three way final between themselves, gorillas and bears. But did you know who the king of the lions is? Why none other then tennis player Pete Sampras!
2. Lions are wild beasts who care not for the laws of man, but can they be tamed? Experts contacted by this website said yes, and "The first man to tame the lion shall rule over the rest of humankind like an emperor, fear his mighty feline army." When we inquired as to whether the lions would have machine guns grafted to their back the expert looked startled and, backing towards a heavily guarded lab door, said "yes yes, we shall see... plans! plans are in a habit of... changing. Mhwu Hwu, hahahaha!"
3. One of the most famous lions ever, Aslan, is widely considered to be a metaphor for our lord God. Well he's not. Don't even pretend he is because you're wrong.
4. The hair of the male lion (it's mane) is highly valued in some schools of Asian traditional medicine, where it is used to appease bald ghosts.
5. We all love delicious Lion bars, crispy stuff, caramel, plus something else, all covered in milk chocolate. But did you know their name is nothing more then a marketing gimmic? That's right, so called 'Lion' bars are in fact made from leopards.
6. Famed 1920's strongman Herr Wundermuscle claimed he could defeat a lion in unarmed combat. Promotors jumped on the chance to see such a stirring exhibit of mans undoubted supremacy and the show was heavily promoted. Over 40,000 people packed into the hastily named 'Wundermuscle Stadion' to see the spectacle. They were left dissapointed however, the lion snuck a homemade shiv into the ring and was disqualified in the first round.
7. Lion scientists, or, as they probably like to be called, Liontists, have recently discovered an interesting fact. Their tests have revealed that if a lion sneaks up on you in the night and roars directly into your ear you are 97% likely to shit yourself. Fancy that!
8. Anyone who has watched a nature documentary can tell you that female lions do all the work, while the males sit around like useless idiots. That's the reason why lions were honoured by the worlds advertising agencies for, 'inspiring us to reach new levels of advertisingment'.
9. Disney's 'The Lion King' introduced the world to Simba. The loveable cub who grew up to be a king. But in real life Simbas story didn't go too well. Bankrupt only 5 years after the films release, he turned to drugs(catnip) to escape the world. Last year he was detained in the Phillipines. He had been caught as part of an FBI pedophile sting, the 8 year old boy he thought he was buying was in fact nothing more then some pillows and a football helmet artfully arranged under some blankets.
10. Have you ever seen a lion in real life? If you answered yes then congratulations, you're an idiot. You see lions project what liontists call a 'hyplox-cascade-resonator-array' no, I don't know what that means either, but basically it allows them to 'bend light' meaning that when we look at them, we in fact see 'through' them. But wait, what are we seeing when we think we can see lions? "harmless cobras" said our expert. "hahahahahahha".
There wasn't that funny. Hey guess what just happened, I lost my phone the other week. Anyway I always lose phones so I wasn't too worried about it, but one of my friends just rang me to say he got a message from my number. 'It's fitzer, I've got your brothers phone, I want my money' heh. Looks like the scumbag who stole my phone had it in turn stolen from him. The circle of life continues.
0 comments:
Post a Comment