Condoms, rubber johnnies, another euphemism. Whether you want to enjoy yourself with your loved one, engage the services of a person presenting themselves as a commodity allotment within a business doctrine, or take part in hollow empty sex with a stranger you find yourself too disgusted by to even look in the face, you're going to need to put one of these on the old fattening stick.
Back in the olden days people used the intestinal lining of goats to sheate their snake. It was as hazardous and ineffective as you can imagine (as long as you imagine it was somewhat effective). This was because back before electricity was invented people had no way to entertain themselves. They would do everything in the most horrible way possible, then laugh at the disgust that would be felt centuries later by their ancestors, they were simpler times.
IMPORTANT ADVICE: You can still get those old school condoms and might want to if you or your partner are hippies, have an allergy, or are just different/outrageous. Well don't, use a proper jism receptacle. This guide assumes you are going to use a latex or polyurethane cock sock.
'Shut up, just shut up', you scream frantically, 'Who cares about this shite? how do I get them? That's what I want to know you stupid bastard!'. Well calm down gentle reader (and button up, you're liable to have someone's eye out with that thing), follow the advice outlined below and soon acquiring jimmy hats will be as easy as painfully falling down an icy stairway, or throwing a stone at a dog.
PHARMACY
Ah the pharmacy, along with pub vending machines it serves as the first point of call for would be Casanovas. Many people feel a bit nervous buying dong sarongs here, and if you're a straight man there's a good chance your lady will make you do the shopping alone. Now most pharmacists are used to this, it's no big deal to them if you're planning on doing the horizontal charleston, ok, so some business's still have the giant arrow that descends from the roof along with a klaxon, pointing out you filthy perversion for all to see, but there's at least a...70 percent chance this won't happen. So chill yo, Just do this ese:
1. Approach the counter. If there's a queue you may have to wait, while doing so try to attract the pharmacists attention by waving your hands and making a 'riding that pony' gesture with whoever's ahead of you. This will let the pharmacist prepare for being in the presence of someone who's going to be 'getting some'.
2. Uh oh, it's an attractive lady! You can't say the word condom to her, quick, turn red, start casting your gaze about nervously, stammer, start frantically grabbing items! Eh eh, hemmerhoid cream, vitamin tablets, yeah, and some of those adult diapers. Refuse a bag, just bundle everything against your chest and make your way to the exit. Bump into an old lady and drop your stuff. Say "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over, start crying.
3. It's a man/neutral gendered person, also it's not the father of your innocent virginal girlfriend, let's go! Now, you did ring the pharmacy in advance didn't you? You remember the code don't you? So whether the bald eagle hunts by moonlight, or the smelly leper loves to eat fish, simply repeat the code and leave the shop.
4. Check your post! If you followed the above steps correctly your (con)Dom Johnsons should arrive within 5-7 working days.
SCHOOL/COLLEGE
If you're a student you're in luck. As well as having a wide variety of potential indoor sports buddies (people you want to fuck) you also may be given free condoms by your college or university. As someone who attended the 'university of life' (not real university) I can't really help you here. But you're so smart you should be able to figure it out for yourself, Captain Einstein McGenius.
If you're in secondary, or 'high', school, you probably won't be provided condoms and your teacher may be fired for even mentioning them. This is because if young people hear about sex from teachers then they will be aware it exists and will instantly start having gangbang daisychain parties. No, better to let their young mind bathe in the gentle innocence of youth, a world free of pain or sadness.
GAY CLUBS
Yes, many gay clubs have people who stand around outside them offering free saran penis wrap (note, come up with better euphemisms). They will usually be more then happy to give you a handful. While you're there why not step inside and have a drink, maybe do some coke, perhaps pop into a cubicle and receive a handjob? After all man, life is about being open and having new experiences, and no one can please a man as well as a man (gay people, stop this tactic, it doesn't work (or maybe that's just what I want you to think? (it's not))).
YOUR PARENTS
Now no one likes to think about their parents having sex, it's just, 'icky', but face facts! If your father didn't give your mother a good seeing to that one time then you wouldn't be here! Hah! Think about it! Anyway, your parents probably have some condoms. Now you can either:
Root through their drawers in the hopes of finding your stretchy latex friends. This seems sensible, but literally every time this has been done the person searching has found:
Dildos
Bondage gear
Porn
Photos of their parents naked
A video of their mother being double teamed
etc
No, best to just ask them directly. Wait till your parents are together, (or even better with friends, bishops etc) march right up to them and look them in the eyes, hold their gazes steady for a minute then clear your throat. Keep clearing for about another minute. If they try interrupting you, clear louder and angrier. Clench your fists and work you jaw. Those veins on your head standing out yet? if not you're doing it wrong. Keep this up until your resolve breaks down. Turn away defeated. No sex for you bucko.
Thanks I hoped you liked this guide and that you find it useful. Remember, as annoying as condoms can be, giving someone you love an STI is a whole different type of horrible. Fair thee well readers, good fucking!
These are the guys whose photos I used. I am attributing them! I finally feel like a real man!
http://flickr.com/photos/danielmorris/
http://flickr.com/photos/paulk/
http://flickr.com/photos/drexler/
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