Anyway, this is probably the strangest true facts yet. I hate it, maybe you might find some bits funny though! if you do it won't be from points 1-4, those bits are especially lacking in humour, wait I've got an idea.
Ok, I've added childish swears to the end of those points (I was thinking of doing it for each point but come on, that would just be ridiculous) Yes folks, comedy gold here at sparkthenight, encrusted with the jewels of self loathing and I'm going to stop now.
Whether bringing us from place to place, allowing us to express our inner selves through dance, or just fitting comfortably inside socks, feet are our constant companions throughout life.
But is their more to them then 'feets' the eye? Prepare to find out, as we take a journey into the weird and wonderful world of feet. A TRUE FACTS journey that is!
1. Humans, like the majority of our lesser evolved ape brethren, are bipeds, not quadrapeds like wolves or dragons when they're not flying. Break the word up a bit and you have bi (two) and peds(feet). It comes from Latin or Greek, one of those languages, probably Latin. An easy way to remember this is to think of your BIcycle, two cycles, and your feet go in the PEDals, foot... things. A good way to remember bicycle is to think of BI, two, the 2 forces of life and death, yin and yang, good and evil etc, and cycle, the eternal interplay of these forces. This symbol can be helpful:
This is an expecially good way to remember if you're Chinese. That is, remember feet or bicycles or whatever while being Chinese, not remembering that you are Chinese, if you need help with remembering your nationality you might have some kind of brain damage.
Poo Poo
2. Athletes foot is not what you probably assume it is, that is, a well honed muscular foot. It is in fact a kind of infection that... makes your feet smell and stuff, then you have to use powder, I dunno, I never had it. This was a bad choice of fact.
Wee Wee
3. Foot massages are fun to give, they can relax your friend or partner after a long day as well as being relaxing for the person giving them. But be careful if there are any trained masseus's (spelling!) around, they will no doubt complain that you're not looking after the toxins correctly and all sorts of nonsense.
Bum
4. Speaking of which, reflexology, now while a lot of people probably don't believe in this I'm fairly open minded myself and am not going to dismiss it. Anyway, one of the reasons I'm open minded is because of this: did you know that people who live in cobblestoned cities or towns live a few years longer on average then people who live in modernly paved cities? It's true, some researchers found it out one time. Their theory? A crude kind of reflexology caused by the cobbles!
I'm not making that up, interesting eh?
Fart
5. Another fact I'm not making up, did you know that if you sniff an apple every day for a month you'll lose four pounds? No shit, but don't ask me why. Probably because the delicious apple smell triggers chemicals that raise your metabolic rate or something... Anyway back to feet! (I'm counting this one because it's a fact)
6. Of course we all know that Perluigi Collina, the celebrity referee, invented the foot, travelling back
in time etc etc... zany mishap, unlikely character, random! You know the drill. I'm not gonna fix this, We'll do it live damnit! (man that reminds me I should totally write about that Bill O Reilly guy, ok, I will, but in order to not derail the article I'll have to keep it all within these... wait, these (), what are they called? Man, why don't i know this? Jesus... Anyway any writing kept within these () things doesn't count and therefore doesn't interrupt the flow of the article I assume. So, to be succint, Bill O Reilly's a jerk, but if he wasn't some other guy would be anyway, so what difference does it make?)
(I literally can't remember what these () are called... shit)
7. I really don't know very much about feet? Man.
wait... feet. man. Feetman! That's it! I've just come up with the best superhero ever. Get Marvel on the phone now!
(time passes)
Hello, Stan Lee? Listen I- Who I am is not important sir! Had you any sense you would mind yourself and listen good, I am the man with the idea that will save your company and that should be enough for you, you snivelling wretch.
Yes, what your secretary told you is correct, using the power of feet the hero-
What powers of feet? Clearly he can run faster then even the flash himself, his toenails grow and tear like wolverines claws, when falling on his back, he can push himself up with his emergency back foot, making our so called 'friend' the turtle look pretty bad Stanny. Yes and this also goes for his face, that's right his face is a foot. Of course his natural enemy is the muslim, since his hands are feet he can not shake hands with them without showing them a great deal of disrespect, however to not shake hands would also be showing them disrespect. Ah a cruel twist of irony if ever I heard one. Luckily muslims are evil so the audience will relate to him. Also, I'm sure he could make use of sole/soul somehow in his punning. And he has a Native American child helper called LittleFoot. They have a kind of ''will they, won't they'' thing going on.
So what do you think? Stan, Stan are you there? Hello!
Wait a minute, this isn't a phone. And why am I saying all this out loud?
(starts eating delicious eclair/phone)
Feet, feet, feet... Yeah... What? I still have three more facts to go? Alright then.
8: The poison of a foot is deadlier then the deadliest hand poison. That's why it's technically impossible to touch your own feet.
9: Queen Victoria was terrified of feet, the mearest mention of them within five miles of buckingham palace was punishable by being sent to Australia, Marbella, Ibiza and a variety of other desirable, sun-drenched holiday destinations. This is also the reason why being a 'footsexual' was not made a crime for many years.
WILLY!
10: when you're asleep your toes talk to each other and have little parties. Sounds cool right? WRONG! They're talking about how much you smell, and you're expressly not invited, what a bunch of assholes right?
Well that's it readers, now I'm off to saw my feet off, then send them to a woman in a creepy obsessive stalker kind of way (the joke will be on her, I won't even be into her that much!)
Till next time!
Thanks to http://flickr.com/photos/pictoscribe/ for the cool cobbletone picture.
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