10 TRUE facts about plants.

Plants have been our friends ever since the first caveman gave his sweetheart a flower. The relationship quickly became more complicated however as the next caveman bludgeoned the first one to death with a piece of wood and took his lady. But did you know there're more to our mostly green friends then meets the eye? Read on and be amazed by these 10 TRUE facts about plants.

You may have heard that that plants can feel pain. But did you know that they really like it?

Plants come in all sorts of colours, except blue. If you see a blue plant please alert your local law enforcement authorities. Make sure to inform them that, "somethings not right about these plants".

Many films have been made featuring plants as the bad guys, Day of the Triffids, M Night Shyamalan's The Happening... and other films. What else do all these films have in common? They're all stupid. Please note this does not include every film featuring plants as bad guys, for instance The Evil Dead 2 or Lord of The Rings 2 (the Ents were bad guys from the point of view of the orcs.), just those films which think evil plants is a strong enough premise to carry a entire film.

Ferngully the Last Rainforest was a film that taught us plants were our friends. It featured Robin Williams playing the part of a ''wacky'' bat. Many people were offended by the films insensitive portrayal of the serious problem of mental retardation in the bat community.

The Redwoods are the biggest plants on our planet, but not in our solar system. That honour goes to the planet Mercury, which is in fact a giant, and very hot, orange.

You can drive through some of the Redwoods, but don't try to drive through a normal tree, you will find that your car becomes badly damaged. If you can drive through a tree without suffering any damage please consult your local exorcist, as you may be a ghost.

Tomatoes! Are they fruits? Are they vegetables? No one's quite sure! But one man thinks he might have the answer; disgraced former lecturer at the University of Milan, Eduardo Pettelini, claims that they are actually a highly evolved and malevolent race, dating back from biblical times and originally designed to be the "footsoldiers of Satans nightmareish army". Interesting, but we needn't start burning down Tomato bushes just yet, Pettelini's clearly a madman.

Humans murder thousands of trees every year, it's our right. However some coconut trees have been attempting to fight back, dropping their delicious fruits onto the heads of unwary humans who attempt to sleep under their lush branches. The solution? A virus that scientists are currently working on, which they hope will eradicate all plants by the year 2017.

Oxygen, that comes from plants and without it we wouldn't be able to breath. But, if you think about it, isn't it just plant shit?

We've seen all sorts of plants over the years, trees, flowers, moss and coniferous, but what does the future hold? Researchers in Japan are currently working on a new type of plant. They can't disclose too much, but they did tell us it's expected to be at least 30 metres tall, with a bipedal design and knowledge of advanced fighting techniques. Those crazy bastards!

The Dark Knight, greatest film ever? (no)

So I saw The Dark Knight. It's fantastic, definitely the best Batman film, but I don't think it's anywhere close to being the best movie ever. Which is something that some people have said.

I'd consider myself a Batman fan, but not a Batman expert. I mean, I've watched the films and shows and read some of the comics. The Dark Knight's, well, dark, and complex, and long. It's very, very intense, there's some fantastic moments of humour, as hilarious as the Joker is, Batman one ups him when he throws a mobster off of a very small building. You expect ludicrously horrible jokes from the Joker, it's more unexpected from Batman. Well not really that unexpected, he is hilarious as Bruce Wayne after all.


So there are some funny moments, but they're generally pretty pitch black in tone, lost amidst a sea of intense misery and craziness. I just feel like I shouldn't be thinking of words like 'grueling' when describing the best movie ever.
Also, the film is so complex and intricate, now I get that people like that, but for me it's like, here's the story and I've got all the pieces watch me put it together, I prefer where there's room for mystery and ambiguity stuff.

Anyway never mind, Yeah it's a great film, but the best movie ever would transcend boundaries and be loved by everyone etc... I mean it's not universal.

But my point is that people are going crazy over this film. And of course Heath Ledger died, leaving this final incredible performance as a hugely iconic character, I mean he's no Jack Nicholson- only kidding I loved him in this film. But, the whole thing reminds me of when Princess Diana died, people went crazy for a while, mass hysteria. Leaving some people a little embarrassed.,

From That:
"It has become an embarrassing memory, like a mawkish, self-pitying teenage entry in a diary," wrote Jonathan Freedland in The Guardian about the mountain of flowers, teddy bears, and free-flow of tears outside the palace gates. "We cringe to think of it."

Anyway maybe it's not that, I'm just saying it shouldn't be discounted. And it would be ironic because isn't Mass Hysteria exactly what the Joker wants? Maybe this is Ledger's revenge from beyond the grave.


Also it was cool that Scarecrow was back, but he's got no more fear gas anymore, it's like 'Hey scarecrow, that's a nice mask you got there, any other powers?'
'Ah... no'. No it was cool that he was still using fear as a weapon even without the gas, using the fake Batmen like that.
edit: no he wasn't. Still the mask itself is a little scary.

Anyway, great film, not something I'd be inclined to watch again, not the best film ever: The Dark Knight gets 9/10. That means it also wins the Sparkthenight Award For Excellence, congratulations The Dark Knight.

funny hypothetical questions! Monday double update bonanza!

So, what’s this update going to be about? I really don’t know. Can you do me a favour? Glance below these lines and see if there’re words. If there are inform me, as it would be reassuring to know I’d managed to write something.

Ok, here’re a series of hypothetical question, answer them if you dare!

You’re really hungry, starving, you haven’t eaten for like 6 hours. Someone hands you a slice of pizza, it’s your favourite pizza too, smells so delicious, only problem is you’re pretty sure the guy has pee on his hands. What do you do?

You’re just chilling out when suddenly you get taken aboard a flying saucer. The aliens tell you that you’ve 1 minute to prove to them that humanity is worthwhile or they’ll explode the planet. You know what to say! You’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life! You just ate a tablespoon of chilli powder on a dare and your mouth is ablaze while fiery mucus streams from every orifice on your face! What do you do?

You’re at a press conference, accepting congratulations from the world for your heroic deeds in saving humanity from the aliens. The king himself offers you his daughter’s hand. Suddenly a reporter jumps up and asks you if it’s true you consumed half a tab of acid two hours before your encounter with the aliens? Then he turns into a dragon, but you don’t have your +5 against dragons long sword! What do you do?

Your pay still hasn’t come through and you need to pay rent! You ring your employers and they tell you you’re not being paid because you haven’t shown up to work in over a month. You’re wife’s no help, being a cat she is incapable of holding down a job. Why did you marry her in the first place? What the hell? There’s a knock on the door, it’s the debt collectors. Fuck, those bastards are here to repossess the TV! You’re eye falls on the chainsaw you keep running at all times beside the front door, for ‘emergencies’. What do you do?

You’re driving in your car on your way to the big job interview, suddenly there’s a accident! Those people might be injured! You get out to help them and await an ambulance. When the police show up people point at you and start accusing you of driving on the path on purpose. Hey shitfucker who you calling crazy? So what if one of the injured is your ex, what do they know? The police start moving towards you and you remember the car’s stolen and also, fuck fuckity fuck! You forgot about the bodies in the trunk. Aw man this is bad man, shit! Think! What do you do?

Where are you? You look down, handcuffs? Why are you wearing handcuffs? This is a courtroom, but the judge. When did your brother become a judge? Alright, this guy, the lawyer, he’s saying everything’s sorted, just go up there and when the judge/your brother asks you a question you say yes ok. Just say yes.

Your brother turns to you “is this true?” What were you supposed to say again? What’s this in your pocket… a knife, no! The question, the answer’s important. Where did this judge get your brothers face? That’s the question, your answer will be written in pain!

What do you do?

I can't think up a good name for this update.

Hello, it’s sunny today. You know when you’re used to rain every day a bit of sun in the morning makes all the difference in the world. Especially on a Monday, because Monday means back to work! If you start your week in a good mood then you’re more likely to help other people be in a good mood, everyone happy and smiling with a cartoon sun in the sky that wears sunglasses (just to look cool, he hasn’t considered it further than that, and won’t, no one tells the sun what to do).

Anyway I was reminded of the importance of the sun and being happy this morning by a little encounter I had. To set this up I’ll have to talk about something I was going to post about but didn’t. So prepare for an enthralling look behind the scenes of sparkthenight, an illicit peek behind the wizards curtain. Ok, more like a tentative rummage through the hobo’s bindle, but nevermind, let’s do this!

There’s this chick (aw yeah, see how I talk about women? alpha male baby!) Ok I’ll start again. Every morning I get a cup of coffee on the way to work, nothing strange about that you say. Well yeah I know, hey a lot of people like coffee it’s not special, stop… stop looking at me like that. Anyway, sometimes I get my coffee at a certain place. Not all the time mind, they have poorly made cups, which can leak, stain and scald and no one wants that in the morning. Maybe some people do, but, if I can be frank, if you’re one of those people I hate you.

There’re a few different girls who work at this place and they are friendly in a kind of here’s your coffee thank you that’ll be all way. That’s great; it’s all I want in the morning. Also, and I’m sorry, one of them has got one of the greatest asses I’ve ever seen, I mean seriously it’s like damn yo (cool hand gesture of some sort) that shit be defying gravity and et cetera.

So, one of the coffee shop girls isn’t nice and friendly like the others. I’d approach the counter, she’d be sitting reading a book, glance at me wearily and slowly approach the counter, “One cup of coffee please” I would say cheerily, I was extra cheery because she seemed so down. She would turn, get the coffee, turn to the register, turn back for the money, all while never making any sort of eye contact with me, not even a cursory look! “Thank you” I’d say to which she would grunt (seriously, how often do people grunt responses in reality?) and that would be that.

“You fucking moron” you are now no doubt screaming in incoherent rage at your monitor “Stop wasting my time with this nonsense, Jesus!” Well ok I’m getting to the point, well the end. Also, Shane will be fine (heh).

So this carried on for several weeks, I would be super cheery, she would be sullen. I made up a whole story in my head about she had some PHD in super important studies of the future and was forced to work a shitty job where annoying guys act really chirpy to piss her off. For all I know that stories’ true. Incidentally I don’t mean to sound like I was crazy obsessed over this girl, this was at most one minute in my day maybe twice a week. However, she was nothing but a morsel in my psychic spiderweb of cunning, be sure of that.

Then one day, after I ordered my coffee and was fumbling in my wallet, she says to me “you know”, like “you know how much it is” and looked at me. In the brief moment our eyes were locked one thing was clear, she knew my game, and she wasn’t having none of it.

So that was it! Yeah sorry folks but there’s not much more to say, I figured it wasn’t interesting enough to warrant talking about, just one of those little things that can make the boring parts of life fun (it’s called the power of your imagination). I kind of stopped getting coffee there recently for whatever reason.

Wait! Until today, oh yeah that’s what I was saying at the start, about feeling good on a Monday! Oh, and it was the first time for weeks. Yeah so let’s go.

Today when I got my coffee it was different, no more was she sullen, she smiled! She actually asked “what would you like”. She seemed slightly taken aback when I said coffee, more like nonplussed, in fact I had a feeling she thought I was someone else. It was a little bit weird to be honest.

Anyway so she gives me the coffee and she’s smiling at me and I’m smiling back (like quick little smiles, we weren’t making moon eyes or anything), and it was like something happened but I wasn’t sure what?

I think she saw I looked confused so she starts saying, “it’s Monday, it’s the start of the week, it’s important to be happy on a Monday” (that of course is only basically what she said, I don’t listen to people very well, it’s the gist)

“Cool” I replied “that’s a great philosophy”

She seemed happy with this answer and, with a few more smiles, I departed. Then the coffee cup burst all over my shirt.

Haha, that didn’t really happen it was just a punchline. No what happened was I was struck by how much better I felt because of that little exchange. Also the whole situation is a bit weird and funny. Thank you coffee shop girl, and thank you whatever caused her to be happy today. I’m going to assume it was you The Sun so thank you, you’re temporarily off my enemies list.

Also also also, one final thing, she was being kind of flirty now that I think about it. Hmmm, interesting, we shall see, yes yes, (steeples fingers, face become cloaked in shadow).

Semi Pro review

So I saw the new Will Ferrell movie Semi Pro the other day and thought I’d write about it.

First off, I liked Anchorman. I know a lot of people didn’t so I’ll try to explain why I liked it.

One thing is I hadn’t seen much of Ferrell before so his kind of humour was pretty fresh to me.

I also love the whole gleeful childish idiocy of the film, it has no real purpose except to make you laugh. People don’t learn lessons or grow or become better people. Ron Burgundy has the mentality of a spoilt 5 year old throughout. I don’t know, it’s always hard to explain why you find something funny, I don’t think Anchorman is a great movie or anything, just hilarious.

Anyway this is a different film, some bits were pretty funny, if you like it you like it fair enough. I’ll just write about some possibly interesting things that I thought about it.

First, this isn’t a movie trying to be Anchorman. Yeah a lot of humour is similar but the director seems to be doing a different thing. More effort is put into making the film look good, and it does look better but is that important in a comedy film?

Now, since Will Ferrell plays pretty much the same character in a lot of movies, child in mans body type, this makes it difficult to write a film with him as the main character. He’s basically a cartoon character which makes it difficult if you want to show mature adult relationships and stuff.

So what they’ve done is brought Woody Harrelson is in the movie as the other lead. I think they do a pretty good job of this, the film doesn’t feel unbalanced and it works.

Harrelsons storyline also brings up a problem. He’s back in town to play for the team but really because he wants to get back with his ex. You see he used to be a real asshole and he cheated on her and stuff, but now he’s learned his lesson and become a better person and she’s the woman for him. That’s all well and good but then you reach the problem, see she’s already with a guy and they live together in a seemingly happy relationship.

Now no one really sympathizes with a guy stealing another guys lady, so usually in films they make the boyfriend out to be a real asshole, then you want them to get together. That or they just kind of ignore it and you’re left wondering afterwards.

What this film did is different, they made the boyfriend out to be a complete moron who loves Harrelsons character and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his hero wants his girlfriend.

So part of you thinks, if this guy’s to stupid to realise what’s going on then he deserves what he gets.

Then they have a scene where Harrelson tricks him into leaving so he can get with the girl. Only problem is the boyfriend forgets something and when he comes back he catches the other two having sex.

The joke is that he loves Harrelson so much that he gets really into it and starts masturbating, they do a similar thing at the end of the film just so you know the guy’s fine.

So basically what they did is, instead of making the guy an asshole, they made him into a kind of person who doesn’t exist in reality. Harrelson steals another guy’s girl but the other guy isn’t really a human so it’s ok.

There was also a scene which I thought was the best part of the movie and I’ll write about it now.

The guys, Ferrell and teammates, are having a game of poker. They’re being manly, insulting each other and stuff, until one guy takes it too far and calls someone else a Jive Turkey. The joke is that this is completely unacceptable, it’s ok to call him a cock sucker or whatever but jive turkey crosses the line. Nowadays no one cares about people calling people jive turkeys, ha ha things were different in the seventies it’s a joke.

So the guy he’s insulted pulls a revolver on him and it’s really tense, eventually he reveals the gun’s empty and everyone laughs and relaxes. Of course having gone through all that stuff they are acting a little crazy, they pass the gun around, say what they really feel about each other and pull the trigger, laughing all the time.

Now what’s funny here is the way they’re acting, what they’re saying to each other, but also, most importantly, the audience knows something’s going to happen with that revolver.

So after five empty chambers Ferrell has the gun, and if you’ve been counting you know this chamber has to have a bullet, and eventually he shoots his crotch, no bullet, and the future children of his character breath a sigh of relief, but the audience is a bit annoyed, until he throws the gun on the table where it shoots a bullet which eventually hits his friend, the guy who called the other guy a jive turkey.

So you have the build up of tension, then the release, then the building up of a subtler tension (which plays on the audiences expectations of cinema convention) before another release, and then the punchline, all interspersed with different jokes. That’s a good funny scene.

Another scene I enjoyed was one I really didn’t think I would. Basically it’s a scene where Ferrell pukes. Ok so ‘gross out’ comedy has pretty much been done, often badly, but this one realises that it’s not seeing the character vomit that’s funny, it’s how it happens. This one really goes to extreme ridiculous lengths and I though it was very funny, but, It doesn’t actually show Ferrell puke, the humour is all in the build up.

This is a good way to do a scene where you want to show something bizzare or horrible. Think of the ear cutting scene in Resevoir Dogs or The Blair Witch Project, the director sets the mood and expectations but leaves the ‘climax’ to the audiences imagination. Once you build it up enough your job is done, whatever you show after that can’t compete with what the audience will imagine.

I think that’s also the main reason the new Star Wars films were hated.

U.S. elections, hot teen stars

So they’re having the presidential election in the US. I love following these elections, they make for some nice escapism from the depressing stupidity of my life, they can be scary though, you have to ignore the reality of the power this person is going to have and what they could do and learn to just enjoy the race.

What I love most is the ridiculous stuff on either side. An interesting thing lately is what’s happening with this guy Obama.

Yeah the big deal with Obama is that he’s black! OH MY GOD! It also looks like he’s going to win so there’s that. He seems decent enough for a politician but I’m not gonna pretend I’m smart enough to know what’s what in regard to this stuff. He talks about change a lot but you know at the end of the day politicians are politicians

Anyway at some event a while back Obama and his wife bumped fists, you know like how guys used to in the hood or how you’d do with your friends in a kind of jokey way. It seems like a pretty cool thing and is probably symbolic of how times are changing and stuff. So that’s cool. Except then Fox News, this hilariously ridiculous propaganda network who support the guys who won the last couple elections, decide they’ve never even heard of this fist bumping, that maybe it’s a, a… terrorist fist jab!

Terrorist fist jab.

Tonight on Fox: He claims he was saluting the American flag, a moving display of patriotism? Or a pedophile arm attack?

“Here to explain this to us is author Mitch Burgenvale, so what exactly are we seeing here Mitch.”

“Well I’ve heard people refer to it as shaking hands, but some viewers might be more familiar with the term Satanist hand grasp, or rapist, evil, un-American.”

“Interesting, and what do you know of the origin of this strange, foreign custom?”

“It’s hard to say, some people say it was originally a coded message used by Muslims, the idea being that a non Muslim would recoil at the touch of pure evil. When they found someone out to be a non Muslim they would of course stone them to death before raping a bible.”

“And liberals want these people to run our country? Now, she’s our hottest young star, but is she going off the rails? Here are photos of 18 year old singing sensation Cindy Whatserface drinking with friends! Here she is not wearing make up! Here she is coming to the realisation that her life in the public eye has been draining her, sucking her soul out of her body so that all that’s left is an empty shell which can be manipulated and used by whoever has money.”

“Here she is, watching Weekend at Bernies and being struck by the realisation that that’s all she is, a dancing corpse that everyone thinks is alive inside.”

“Here she is desperately trying to block out the world with drugs.”

“Here she is looking at her friends and realising she doesn’t know who any of them are.”

“Look at her lying in the gutter, surrounded by photographers, the laughter of the crowd and the click of the cameras all she can sense. Desperately wishing she could have peace, knowing it’s impossible”

WE SHOULD ALL BE LIKE HER. THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT. SHE MADE IT. LOOK AT HER LITTLE GIRLS. THIS IS WHO YOU SHOULD BE. THIS IS WHAT WE REWARD.

Wait, I guess I should get back to Obama.

So they called it a terrorist fist jab. They are ridiculous, the phrase is ridiculous.

Then the New Yorker magazine went with a cover of Obama and his wife bumping fists, while he’s dressed as a terrorist and she’s a black panther.

They’re putting all the rumours and implications about Obama from the people at Fox and others like them into one picture, this is the image that people are spreading with their words except, well, it’s an image.

I think that’s a cool thing to do but I’m wrong because it’s offensive. I don’t really understand the logic behind what’s offensive and what isn’t so I’m not going to say anything.

Anyway, and we are very nearly at what could be considered my point here, I read about this picture in the newspaper. Here’s part of what they said:

The picture shows Obama bumping hands, which some commentators have called a terrorist fist jab.

So now I realise I don’t have a point, that’s it. You can try to find a point, a reason for this horrible garbled mess, if you want.

Oh well, anyway yay elections, yay democracy.

You know I really start these with the intention of writing something informative and interesting. The problem is for every opinion I have on a subject I often have many other, often contradictory, opinions depending on when you ask me. It makes it hard to write coherently. Well I guess I should focus on fiction in the hopes that someday I’ll get good. What’s important is I’m putting some of my thoughts on paper and that’s for the best.

99% of life is confusing and stupid and arbitrary and it doesn’t make sense and if you think you can make sense of it you’re a fool but we all try to make sense of it anyway so I think I’m just going to keep writing stupid things and try to enjoy myself whenever I can and not worry about it.

Thoughts on future robotics/The return of Neproxis

I can't wait till neurosurgery and robotics have advanced sufficiently to allow you to put your brain inside a robot. I for one definitely plan to become a cyborg when I get old.

I don't want one of the standard human style bodies though, maybe at first. Hmmm, maybe just start by replacing more and more body parts with robotic parts? Or go for a plug and play model which can be customised? Man, it's not going to be for years and years but the choices are already so hard!

I mean you want legs yeah, obviously legs are fine, but what if you're walking down the street, going somewhere with your robot legs, having a good time when suddenly some guy glides past you with rocket booster legs? I want those!
Or maybe someone with telescopic legs, stepping easily over obstructions? Or a tripod man? Hmmm no wait, tripod man couldn't have sex...

Do you think the cyborg men would have cocks? I mean, ok I want my brain and cock put into/ grafted onto a robot body. In that order.
Unless science has invented something better than sex, in that case I want to do that.

Think of the possibilities of arms, your left one could have a swiss army hand, each finger has a different function, psychokinetic suppressor, laser, ultranet interface, mood ray, corkscrew.
If you flip back the panel in your palm you can see the fusion reactor.

Do you think they'll have to install extra safety features once people start accidentally bringing down airplanes when using their laser finger to light cigarettes? Do you think people will continue shining the lasers into footballers eyes to put them off?
Maybe that's why we're all going to wear reflective clothing, shit, they'll have to ban mirrorballs in clubs.

What if you had a tentacle hand like Dr Octopus? That would be pretty cool. They could install beams to connect buildings in cities and you'd swing your way to work. Could be a hazard to flying cars though.
I think I'd like a ridiculously excessively unhuman arm though, it's massive steel bulk gleaming with malevolence, dirt and grime and traces of things you try not to think about. It would be disproportianitly large, like the sword of a character in a Final Fantasy game.
I would act nice and pleasant at all time, as if unaware of the horrific tool of death fused with my shoulder, the mini jets which support it complaining and sputtering, and if people pointed it out to me I would be surprised and apologetic.

"Oh this? well.. you know to be honest I forget about it, tell you the truth I can't even remember how I acquired it, isn't that funny."

Gentle chuckles all round, people holding cocktail glasses move closer.

"Careful there young lady, wouldn't want to get oil on your dress, haha. No, it is an ugly old thing isn't it, oh watch out!"

The growing crowd step back and gasp as a mushroom of dirty fire belches fort from somewhere inside the engine of the arm.

"Ha yes it does that every week or so, toxic build up you know, here."

Pressing one of the evil red buttons on the side causes the arm to emit a pleasant pale blue cloud.

"There, that's better, a pleasant scent isn't it."

"Quite! Tell me Mr Tenental, what is it? It seems to be, haha, it, ah... it's making, ha, things seem funnier."

"Yes, it does have that affect. My brain has been hardwired to resist it of course. Ah, everyone else has had too much."

The sound of bodies gently hitting the floor surrounds us.

"But not you, Diminisher. You're mind is made of sterner stuff, however you should soon find yourself unable to control it. And you're already unable to access the powers it grants you"

"Diminisher? Mr Tenental, I'm not sure what you-"

"Drop the charade Diminisher, I've been looking for you since Cylon IV. Surprised? Thought you were the only person left who new about what you did there?"

"But, haha, hahahahahahahahaha... no one lived, I would know if you were there. Mr Tenental you can't have been."

"Heh, don't you realise it's not Mr Tenental you're talking too."

The Diminisher peers through the fog, sees my unconscious body is hanging limply from the arms side.

No, you haha ha, Neproxis, haha you- hahahahah"

"Yes I survived the explosion. Tell me, how long did you agonize over the decision Diminisher? One of earths greatest heros, founding member of the infinites, destroying an entire planet? Wiping out an entire culture, thousands of species, all to stop one machine. How does it feel to know you failed? To know the cost of failing to destroy Neproxis

"HahahahahA!OW, arghhhhhe hah-"

And with that the arm of Neproxis drops the hero's remains, detatches itself from my body and, blasting a hole through the roof, flys away through the clouds.

The future's going to be fun.

WWE wrestling games are stupid

Have you ever had one of those days where everything's been going well for a while and then suddenly fate comes up behind you, pushes you over and starts kicking you in the face and then as it walk away laughing you pick yourself up and start smashing your face into the ground over and over till all thats left is broken bone, blood and flesh in a vain attempt to block out the world?

Well today wasn't one of those days but it reminded me of one for a while.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Actions have consequences
Keeping stuff in perspective is good
Be nice to people even if they're different to you (no connection to my day but cant be emphasised enough)

Anyway here's todays post, it's about those Smackdown versus Raw games, FUN FACT: Todays update is the longest so far!

Has anyone ever played any of these EA Sports official wrestling games? I first played them back in the day on the PS1, when they were relatively good games. Ok, so wrestling is of course completely retarted but that’s not a barrier to being a good game. Look at Gears of War, the advertising campaign for that tried to convince us that a game about giant alpha males who murder space monsters with chainsaw machineguns contained an emotionally deep and complex story, a claim so ludicrous that the first time I saw the trailer I managed to destroy my keyboard by spit-taking coffee for a complete minute, and I don’t even drink coffee. The game was still a thrilling rollercoaster ride for about 5 hours.

No, the original PS1 games were ok for their time, not as fun as the old arcade wrestling game that laughed at your drug habit, but ok. Then the PS2 ones came out, hey! look at this, it’s the exact same game engine except with a couple of new areas, weapons, moves etc thrown in. Great! I never actually owned one of these as I am far too mature to purchase a ‘wrestling’ game, (also I’m poor) but it was always fun to play with your mates, horribly violent and retarted fun sure but fun nevertheless. I mean the controls were pretty clunky, and it was occasionally hard to predict exactly what your wrestler would do, but any game where you can make a monstoress deformed freak with fat legs, one 6 foot long arm, a picassoesque face, curvature of the spine etc and then face him off against The Rock gets a lot of leaway in my book.

It was at this point, just before the release of the final PS2 game, when the designers reached a crossroads, they could make a final game with all the best of the previous games, a final send off before moving onto the new generation of consoles, or they could release a stinking sack of stupid then laugh while rubbing money against their faces and sniffing cocaine off of prostitutes breasts, secure in the knowledge that the gamer/wrestling fan demographic would buy anything approved by Vince McMahon.

Being EA they chose the second option.

You know, I don’t even want to continue this. These games are so depressingly stupid and full of laziness and bad decisions that it hurts my brain a little just thinking about them. I suppose it is important to come to terms with traumatic events in your life though. Maybe it’s time I… stopped running and admit that I was running… from myself. Ok so let’s go.

The fine athletes in Professional Wrestling Style Sports Entertainment of course use weapons, so logically they are in the games. What was funny about the PS 2 ones (and sorry if you want to know which particular ones, smackdown/raw something) was that somehow an obvious placeholder sound affect had slipped into the finished game. You’d hit someone with a chair and get a bizzare unnatural ‘boink’ sound. A big slip up but forgiveable. What was surprising however was that they didn’t even replace this sound for the Xbox360 version of the game. In fact, this sound has now featured in at least three of the games. Hey, but they did staple the ability to see a wrestler’s sweat onto their 10 year old engine, so it’s not all bad.

The control system is also fun. Say you want to pick someone up, it’s simple! Merely walk up to them, stand in the correct position relative to them, press the button to grab while avoiding the analog that will make you throw them, then press the button to lift them while pressing the analog in the correct position, then merely press the analog again to either; move from side to side, spin, or place your opponent gently back on the ground. Pro tip, your wrestlers stamina lets him exert himself for 10 seconds at a time before needing a break, placing your opponent gently on the ground is always the sensible option!

Yeah, the stamina of the wrestlers is just ridiculous, you can punch someone three, maybe four times before needing a rest. It works out to about 30 seconds of catching your breath for every 5 seconds of kicking ass. You’d think this gives your opponent an unfair advantage but no, he’ll be too busy desperately mashing buttons in a futile attempt to make his wrestler move. FUN!!!

You have to go through about 17 saving/loading screens everytime you want to fight.

You have to play the single player campaign for hours before you can choose what pictures are displayed while loading. Meaning you have no choice but to stare at hundreds of pictures of oiled up steroid abusing freaks before you can change it to pictures of women and Carlito (he wears a nice T-shirt). Look EA, I get enough people calling me gay in real life without my games doing it too. What’s next? If you beat the game Vince McMahon appears on the screen, points directly into the camera and tells me I’m wasting my life? Because now that I think about it that would actually motivate me pretty well… man.

Oh hey, why don’t we make the games soundtrack consist of about 3 seemingly identicle, blandly corporate, metal songs that would make even Fred Durst rethink his life through the power of their horribleness.

Good idea! Hey guys, the next round of chimp brains is on me, ha ha, muh hahaha!

I could go on but what’s the point? anyone who enjoys these games won’t change their opinion, and anyone else will just think less of me for getting so worked up over them. These games make the world a worse place to be in and that's not good.

Hey! If you want to see the gears of war trailer I was talking about it's here, I don't know how to put it directly in the article. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccWrbGEFgI8

Also they took out the really deformed John Merrick style wrestling possibilities, I forgot to mention.

SPARKTHENIGHT: Now with editing

I’m so wet baby/ subconscious fuckery

I am very wet today, and not in the good way. I woke up this morning in a lovely warm bedroom with lovely warm dreams in my head all snuggly and comfortable. I put on my cold functional work clothes, well my jacket’s ok, and left the house, stepping into rain that I believe would be described as torrential. So I started walking to the train station, annoyed at myself for not having the forethought to have an umbrella with me and for having only a light ‘summer’ jacket when I realised I’d forgotten my wallet.

So I walked all the way back to the lovely warm bedroom, retrieved my wallet and went back to the station where I missed my train. There of course is no rain shelter at the station so I stood in the toxic deluge and waited. So eventually I get on my train, travel to the station where I get my tram and, hey cool looks like the tram stop's closed, refurbishing the line? Great! I’m sorry what’s that you say? it’s hard to hear you over the rain, the next stop is closed too? Cool!

So anyway blah blah I’m wet and miserable. Although I did get to spend 15 minutes awkwardly positioning myself under a hand dryer, so the days not been all bad!

Speaking of dreams, I never remember mine. You know how people remember their dreams and then for some reason think you’d be interested in hearing them (so it wasn’t your mother? And then you were in Paris? And your face melted? And the ground was purple? And you were looking for your keys? No, please continue. I am completely and utterly entranced by this thrilling narrative)? Well I never remember mine, except for maybe in those seconds betwixt sleep and wake. A time when it is said the gods themselves have a pure conduit to a mans soul! Never mind that last sentence, I’ll calm down now.

Anyway, so whatever my dreams were, I don’t know but I had a vague memory that they were vaguely interesting stories. I read a while back about how some writers write down their dreams to get ideas so that thought was in my mind. I thought to myself “Lucius (I kind of like that name), Lucius, perhaps if you slip back into your slumber YOU WILL RECAPTURE YOUR DREAMS WHICH I’VE A FEELING WERE GREAT STORIES!”

“Ok” I replied to myself “ I have about 3 minutes before I have to get up. This better work”

So I slip back to sleep a little and, believe it or not, I was looking at some sort of book or dvd back cover. “Oh great I’ll just read the blurb” I thought “Cool”

So, just before I start reading, this person pops up, obscuring the video cover, and starts talking some nonsense. I don’t know what she was saying but that’s not important. What’s important is that I realised, my subconscious is fucking with me. I mean seriously, it knows what it’s doing. What this is, is my subconscious intentionally and maliciously trolling me.

(Hey now that I think about it wasn’t this plan doomed from the start? Because your right hemisphere is dominant when you’re dreaming so you can’t make out words? Stupid right hemisphere…Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s true it was in an episode of Batman the animated series one time.)

Anyway, Subconscious: I’ll get you, I don’t know how but I’ll get you you slag. You think you’re safe? Secretly dictating my actions from your lair? In my own mind? No, you are going down my friend. And I mean friend in that sarcastic threatening way gangsters say it.

I’m pretty sure my subconscious can’t read italics, don’t worry folks I’m not crazy, this is just phase one of a scheme to get more sex dreams. Stay tuned for updates!

Do Androids Hate Electric Gypsies?

The court of cassation decided this did not show Mr Tosi was a racist, but that he had “a deep aversion [to Roma] that was not determined by the gypsy nature of the people discriminated against, but by the facts that all the gypsies were thieves.”- 01/07/2008

Political shenanigans in Rome there, and speaking of Rome it is apparently 35 degrees there.I read this this morning, while drinking my coffee and hugging my jacket tightly around myself in a futile effort to stay warm in the cold wind and rain that is the Irish summer. Still at least we don’t have to deal with filthy Roma thieves, the gypsies encountered in Dublin can usually be dealt with easily enough, I find a swift kick to the baby is usually more than suficient .

I also saw Bladerunner last night, whatever the new version is I’m not sure I think it’s called the definitive edition? Anyway any Bladerunner in the cinema is worth it. I was late though so had to find my ticket which was craftily hidden inside a model robot advertising the new Pixar film.

I’ve seen, or at least tried to see, Bladerunner many times since I was probably about 8 so I’m pretty familiar with this film, as I assume is anyonre reading this. Since this time was my first time seeing it on the big screen I had to watch it properly. Knowing this I managed to fall into a gentle slumber three times during the first half. This is of course the only true way to watch the movie, if you’re not semi conscious up to the bit where Harrison Ford kisses Sean Young then you clearly have no appreciation of Vangelis’s haunting score.

Speaking of that scene, it’s always struck me as one of the strongest bits of the film. Ford is pretty subdued throughout and when he grabs her and pushes her against the wall the you can really feel the passion. It’s the absence of strong emotions before this that gives it the impact, Ford metaphorically grabbing the audience and sticking his metaphorical tongue down their throat, “wake up, time to die”

Having seen this film a lot when I was so young I must also say that this has probably had an impact on my own girl kissing, there are times when you have to be a man for your lady like Harrison Ford.

It’s also interesting that this emotion/passion is coming from two replicants, perhaps they are the only real life left on this dying earth? And yes I said two replicants, Ford is clearly supposed to be one even if he says he isn’t, it makes the film much more interesting if you imagine he is anyway.

So another fantastic part of Bladerunner is Rutger Haeurs speech at the end. Now apparently Haeur was inspired and wrote this 5 minutes before shooting the scene. I want the world to be like that so no argument from me. There are several different ways I’ve looked at the speech:

When I was young I didn’t understand, why does he save Deckard just to tell him this and die it makes no sense!

Then I thought, maybe he wan’t to be ‘the better man’ that is, he doesn’t want Deckard to live but he shows him this act of kindness in a ‘who are the real monsters, ah’ kind of way.

Then I thought, maybe with Daryl Hannah having been killed, oh and Daryl Hannahs performance also shows how the replicants are more ‘alive’ then the humans but nevermind, he obviously wants revenge, but then when it comes down do it. He realises, his life is esentially over, She’s dead, what use would there be in another death on this dying world? He accepts death as inevitable and sees the futility in revenge, he achieves peace in his last moments.

However I’m not sure that interpretation makes sense in the context of his running around naked like some sort of finger breaking dog so never mind.

Anyway now what I think is that, yeah, all those reasons are true to some extent, but the main thing is he just doesn’t want to be forgotten. The moments he remembers that he talks about being lost,. Isn’t that true for himself too? When he dies he’ll fade out and go like all of us, but he won’t have any family or friends to remember him, all he has is the man/replicant (“you did a real mans job” heh) who was trying to kill him. By saving him and whispering these last thoughts he will live on at least for a while. It’s very sad but also beautiful so good work Mr Haeur, why couldn’t you be in anything else good?

Anyway the weather remains bad, my plans of going to the park for lunch, reading a book in the sun, watching the little duckies… all these plans are lost… like, tears, in rain…