Guess who's back, back again... TRUE FACTS about feet.

Hey readers! Surprise. Yes I know I said I wouldn't post but I'm terribly hungover and thought some writing would distract me... It didn't work (don't worry, I haven't forgotten how time works, it's just that I'm writing this opening paragraph last,I know crazy right?)

Anyway, this is probably the strangest true facts yet. I hate it, maybe you might find some bits funny though! if you do it won't be from points 1-4, those bits are especially lacking in humour, wait I've got an idea.

Ok, I've added childish swears to the end of those points (I was thinking of doing it for each point but come on, that would just be ridiculous) Yes folks, comedy gold here at sparkthenight, encrusted with the jewels of self loathing and I'm going to stop now.


Whether bringing us from place to place, allowing us to express our inner selves through dance, or just fitting comfortably inside socks, feet are our constant companions throughout life.
But is their more to them then 'feets' the eye? Prepare to find out, as we take a journey into the weird and wonderful world of feet. A TRUE FACTS journey that is!

1. Humans, like the majority of our lesser evolved ape brethren, are bipeds, not quadrapeds like wolves or dragons when they're not flying. Break the word up a bit and you have bi (two) and peds(feet). It comes from Latin or Greek, one of those languages, probably Latin. An easy way to remember this is to think of your BIcycle, two cycles, and your feet go in the PEDals, foot... things. A good way to remember bicycle is to think of BI, two, the 2 forces of life and death, yin and yang, good and evil etc, and cycle, the eternal interplay of these forces. This symbol can be helpful:

This is an expecially good way to remember if you're Chinese. That is, remember feet or bicycles or whatever while being Chinese, not remembering that you are Chinese, if you need help with remembering your nationality you might have some kind of brain damage.

Poo Poo

2. Athletes foot is not what you probably assume it is, that is, a well honed muscular foot. It is in fact a kind of infection that... makes your feet smell and stuff, then you have to use powder, I dunno, I never had it. This was a bad choice of fact.

Wee Wee

3. Foot massages are fun to give, they can relax your friend or partner after a long day as well as being relaxing for the person giving them. But be careful if there are any trained masseus's (spelling!) around, they will no doubt complain that you're not looking after the toxins correctly and all sorts of nonsense.

Bum

4. Speaking of which, reflexology, now while a lot of people probably don't believe in this I'm fairly open minded myself and am not going to dismiss it. Anyway, one of the reasons I'm open minded is because of this: did you know that people who live in cobblestoned cities or towns live a few years longer on average then people who live in modernly paved cities? It's true, some researchers found it out one time. Their theory? A crude kind of reflexology caused by the cobbles!

I'm not making that up, interesting eh?

Fart

5. Another fact I'm not making up, did you know that if you sniff an apple every day for a month you'll lose four pounds? No shit, but don't ask me why. Probably because the delicious apple smell triggers chemicals that raise your metabolic rate or something... Anyway back to feet! (I'm counting this one because it's a fact)



6. Of course we all know that Perluigi Collina, the celebrity referee, invented the foot, travelling back
in time etc etc... zany mishap, unlikely character, random! You know the drill. I'm not gonna fix this, We'll do it live damnit! (man that reminds me I should totally write about that Bill O Reilly guy, ok, I will, but in order to not derail the article I'll have to keep it all within these... wait, these (), what are they called? Man, why don't i know this? Jesus... Anyway any writing kept within these () things doesn't count and therefore doesn't interrupt the flow of the article I assume. So, to be succint, Bill O Reilly's a jerk, but if he wasn't some other guy would be anyway, so what difference does it make?)

(I literally can't remember what these () are called... shit)

7. I really don't know very much about feet? Man.

wait... feet. man. Feetman! That's it! I've just come up with the best superhero ever. Get Marvel on the phone now!
(time passes)
Hello, Stan Lee? Listen I- Who I am is not important sir! Had you any sense you would mind yourself and listen good, I am the man with the idea that will save your company and that should be enough for you, you snivelling wretch.
Yes, what your secretary told you is correct, using the power of feet the hero-
What powers of feet? Clearly he can run faster then even the flash himself, his toenails grow and tear like wolverines claws, when falling on his back, he can push himself up with his emergency back foot, making our so called 'friend' the turtle look pretty bad Stanny. Yes and this also goes for his face, that's right his face is a foot. Of course his natural enemy is the muslim, since his hands are feet he can not shake hands with them without showing them a great deal of disrespect, however to not shake hands would also be showing them disrespect. Ah a cruel twist of irony if ever I heard one. Luckily muslims are evil so the audience will relate to him. Also, I'm sure he could make use of sole/soul somehow in his punning. And he has a Native American child helper called LittleFoot. They have a kind of ''will they, won't they'' thing going on.

So what do you think? Stan, Stan are you there? Hello!

Wait a minute, this isn't a phone. And why am I saying all this out loud?

(starts eating delicious eclair/phone)

Feet, feet, feet... Yeah... What? I still have three more facts to go? Alright then.

8: The poison of a foot is deadlier then the deadliest hand poison. That's why it's technically impossible to touch your own feet.

9: Queen Victoria was terrified of feet, the mearest mention of them within five miles of buckingham palace was punishable by being sent to Australia, Marbella, Ibiza and a variety of other desirable, sun-drenched holiday destinations. This is also the reason why being a 'footsexual' was not made a crime for many years.

WILLY!

10: when you're asleep your toes talk to each other and have little parties. Sounds cool right? WRONG! They're talking about how much you smell, and you're expressly not invited, what a bunch of assholes right?

Well that's it readers, now I'm off to saw my feet off, then send them to a woman in a creepy obsessive stalker kind of way (the joke will be on her, I won't even be into her that much!)

Till next time!


Thanks to http://flickr.com/photos/pictoscribe/ for the cool cobbletone picture.

Eternal Sonata and Soul Calibur

Hey blog! How's it going! Man, I haven't posted anything in a while, but don't feel lonely, I haven't forgotten you!

To be honest, I haven't had many good ideas. but, I have been playing Eternal Sonata, perhaps a review of that shall be forthcoming. It's pretty much the greatest game ever, in fact I dunno how I managed to avoid hearing about it. Mainly because I play Call of Duty I suppose, in that razor sharp murderous world of fast knives and faster bullets there's not much room to think about games where you play a small girl on a quest to find the worlds prettiest flower.

I like it a lot though, I mean I love Call of Duty and I've been playing Battlefield recently but, it's nice to have a game with a chilled out relaxed atmosphere, with plinky plonky lullaby music and missions to find the twinkliest star in all the sky (and now that I mention it how much do you think that music helped Final Fantasy 7 become so beloved?). But then you realise how great the combat is in Eternal Sonata. I've played through enough JRPGs to have gotten a bit jaded with MAGIC/ATTACK/ITEM. WAIT. REPEAT TILL YOUR EYES BLEED and wasn't really looking forward to another game of it, the fighting is a lot better in Eternal Sonata with timing, combos, etc... It gets more complex as you go on which is cool so far as well (I'm not too far into the game yet). Way to go for trying something new, Japanese game developers. Those twenty years flew by.

Oh yeah, and isn't it weird how Chopin is played by Anime Johnny Depp? This game must be like porn for Tim Burton. Well, hentai I guess.

I've also been playing Dwarf Fortress, I've been interested in this game for ages but my old laptop was so old, playing it was a chore. It runs fine now though, and also all the time. I'm on my third or fourth fortress, it's working pretty well but now I want to try to build an unusual one, if I have anything cool you'll be amongst the first to know blog!

The other game I've been playing is Soul Calibur 4 which is also fantastic. I've made a guy who's basically a samurai, but incased in steel, he looks kind of like Iron Man but he's also a kind of travelling Ronin, walking, perfectly balanced on the thin line between light and dark. It's much better then Dead or Alive 4 and more fun then Virtua Fighter 5. It's no Rumble Roses though, I found that to be a vast improvement over the other Rumble Roses games, in fact in my opinion it's the best game on the Xbox360.

And also on any console ever.

Condom Buyers Guide

Sex sells, or so my mother always said, maybe that's why she spent every night walking the docks while I said around at home in my underwear, biting tin cans in a futile effort to reach the food within. That's not important now though, what's important is sexual health. So enjoy this guide to purchasing prophylactics.

Condoms, rubber johnnies, another euphemism. Whether you want to enjoy yourself with your loved one, engage the services of a person presenting themselves as a commodity allotment within a business doctrine, or take part in hollow empty sex with a stranger you find yourself too disgusted by to even look in the face, you're going to need to put one of these on the old fattening stick.

Back in the olden days people used the intestinal lining of goats to sheate their snake. It was as hazardous and ineffective as you can imagine (as long as you imagine it was somewhat effective). This was because back before electricity was invented people had no way to entertain themselves. They would do everything in the most horrible way possible, then laugh at the disgust that would be felt centuries later by their ancestors, they were simpler times.

IMPORTANT ADVICE: You can still get those old school condoms and might want to if you or your partner are hippies, have an allergy, or are just different/outrageous. Well don't, use a proper jism receptacle. This guide assumes you are going to use a latex or polyurethane cock sock.


'Shut up, just shut up', you scream frantically, 'Who cares about this shite? how do I get them? That's what I want to know you stupid bastard!'. Well calm down gentle reader (and button up, you're liable to have someone's eye out with that thing), follow the advice outlined below and soon acquiring jimmy hats will be as easy as painfully falling down an icy stairway, or throwing a stone at a dog.

PHARMACY
Ah the pharmacy, along with pub vending machines it serves as the first point of call for would be Casanovas. Many people feel a bit nervous buying dong sarongs here, and if you're a straight man there's a good chance your lady will make you do the shopping alone. Now most pharmacists are used to this, it's no big deal to them if you're planning on doing the horizontal charleston, ok, so some business's still have the giant arrow that descends from the roof along with a klaxon, pointing out you filthy perversion for all to see, but there's at least a...70 percent chance this won't happen. So chill yo, Just do this ese:


1. Approach the counter. If there's a queue you may have to wait, while doing so try to attract the pharmacists attention by waving your hands and making a 'riding that pony' gesture with whoever's ahead of you. This will let the pharmacist prepare for being in the presence of someone who's going to be 'getting some'.

2. Uh oh, it's an attractive lady! You can't say the word condom to her, quick, turn red, start casting your gaze about nervously, stammer, start frantically grabbing items! Eh eh, hemmerhoid cream, vitamin tablets, yeah, and some of those adult diapers. Refuse a bag, just bundle everything against your chest and make your way to the exit. Bump into an old lady and drop your stuff. Say "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over, start crying.

3. It's a man/neutral gendered person, also it's not the father of your innocent virginal girlfriend, let's go! Now, you did ring the pharmacy in advance didn't you? You remember the code don't you? So whether the bald eagle hunts by moonlight, or the smelly leper loves to eat fish, simply repeat the code and leave the shop.

4. Check your post! If you followed the above steps correctly your (con)Dom Johnsons should arrive within 5-7 working days.

SCHOOL/COLLEGE
If you're a student you're in luck. As well as having a wide variety of potential indoor sports buddies (people you want to fuck) you also may be given free condoms by your college or university. As someone who attended the 'university of life' (not real university) I can't really help you here. But you're so smart you should be able to figure it out for yourself, Captain Einstein McGenius.

If you're in secondary, or 'high', school, you probably won't be provided condoms and your teacher may be fired for even mentioning them. This is because if young people hear about sex from teachers then they will be aware it exists and will instantly start having gangbang daisychain parties. No, better to let their young mind bathe in the gentle innocence of youth, a world free of pain or sadness.

GAY CLUBS
Yes, many gay clubs have people who stand around outside them offering free saran penis wrap (note, come up with better euphemisms). They will usually be more then happy to give you a handful. While you're there why not step inside and have a drink, maybe do some coke, perhaps pop into a cubicle and receive a handjob? After all man, life is about being open and having new experiences, and no one can please a man as well as a man (gay people, stop this tactic, it doesn't work (or maybe that's just what I want you to think? (it's not))).


YOUR PARENTS
Now no one likes to think about their parents having sex, it's just, 'icky', but face facts! If your father didn't give your mother a good seeing to that one time then you wouldn't be here! Hah! Think about it! Anyway, your parents probably have some condoms. Now you can either:

Root through their drawers in the hopes of finding your stretchy latex friends. This seems sensible, but literally every time this has been done the person searching has found:
Dildos
Bondage gear
Porn
Photos of their parents naked
A video of their mother being double teamed
etc

No, best to just ask them directly. Wait till your parents are together, (or even better with friends, bishops etc) march right up to them and look them in the eyes, hold their gazes steady for a minute then clear your throat. Keep clearing for about another minute. If they try interrupting you, clear louder and angrier. Clench your fists and work you jaw. Those veins on your head standing out yet? if not you're doing it wrong. Keep this up until your resolve breaks down. Turn away defeated. No sex for you bucko.

Thanks I hoped you liked this guide and that you find it useful. Remember, as annoying as condoms can be, giving someone you love an STI is a whole different type of horrible. Fair thee well readers, good fucking!

These are the guys whose photos I used. I am attributing them! I finally feel like a real man!
http://flickr.com/photos/danielmorris/
http://flickr.com/photos/paulk/
http://flickr.com/photos/drexler/

Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza

So today was the day I had to buy a new jacket. The summer's ending and I couldn't put it off any longer. It was an important task, fraught with danger. I was beset on all sides by fearsome enemies. Enemies such as high prices, shoddy workmanship, practicality. But, as if those foes were not enough to contend with, I also had to face that most elusive of beasts, style. We had clashed before, both had had our victories, and while this wasn't to be our last battle, it was nevertheless one which neither one of us could afford to lose.

To cut to the chase, I was eventually successful in my struggle. I procured a jacket which it seems was destined to be mine. May The Lord God himself grant us a long and fruitful time together.

However, I learned something while upon my quest. A man's choice of jacket is as important as, maybe even more important then, any other decision he will make in his life. A man's jacket defines him, strips away the layers to reveal the person underneath, and serves as a mirror into his soul. Through a careful study of jacket choice, might we not learn what it is to be truly human? Let's find out in our Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza!

Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza



The Trench Coat, timeless, potentially facist. You're a noirish gumshoe, a Leone villain striding through the wildest west of all, being a no nonsense guy in the fast paced technoliteral 21st century. You're Neo in The Matrix (first two only), or maybe one of the agents from Syndicate. You're Al Capone, gunning down coppers for kicks. Endless mystery awaits those who stray too close to the endless lengths of your 'buttoned cloak'. Who is this dark stranger? Silhoutted against the night sky somehow? It's you, you trenchcoat wearing motherfucker.

Leather, which you might remember from it's earlier guise of 'cow', is the manliest of jacket materials. Aside from being made from a dead member of a bitch ass species who should have spent more time evolving thumbs and less time growing stomachs... I- I'm sorry, my ex-wife was a cow. No, aside being made from something dead, leather also has loads of cool conotations. You see a guy in leather and you're thinking, there's a tough guy, a terminator, riding his motorbikes (yes plural), while listening to Motorhead and stabbing someone up. Mix it with the trenchcoat and you have someone whose unbearable soul destroying torment could not be understood by us foolish mortals. A white shirt and some jeans and watch out 50's values! You're about to be hit with a concentrated burst of Fonzesque non conformity, fuckhead!

Blazers, originally sporting clothes, began to be used by those crazy trend setting youths of the 1920's. "how you like me now, convention", they'd say stiffly. This was so deeply shocking to the values of the time,that dozens of pounds of damages were recorded through monocle smashings alone. There was public outcry when the news came from a popular beach that several women poked their heads out of their bathing cabooses to better catch a glimpse of a gentleman wearing a blazer. Several people fainted and drowned as a result of seeing so shocking an exhibit of public lewdness. "I'm the big cheese now fuckholes", the unamed man was recorded as saying, shortly before punching the mayor.



The Parka is the jacket that you had to wear when you were a kid. Probably not if you're an American though, You guys skip to the next one. Ok, so Parkas, they were originally made by Inuits to survive cold artic nights, but to those keeping it real old school style they were the jackets that said, "Hey, I'm a child, my mum dresses me, these are cheap, why don't you do the math?" Confident and sassy in the coldest of temperatures, they were a jacket that unfortunately could not last, as anoraks came to be associated with pre internet geeks, some of the least fashionable people ever. However recently they have become cool again, albeit in a stramlined, slightly ironic, fucksticky way. Godspeed Parkas.

Ah, the High School sports coat, no doubt a fine coat, whether bonding during detention, being a werewolf basketball star, trying to have sex with a girl, or taking part in any of the many other activities that are commonplace in American schools, they are an essential part of the fabric of the rich tapestries that are our lives. Why not try thinking of your many experiences with these coats, cast your mind back, think of what it feels like to hold one of these sacred garments, to feel it's softness against your skin, to know what it is to be truly needed, needed to complete a jacket's destiny, and to propel your football team to success in the Grand Slam High School Superbowl Championship. You can do it you fucking cunt.

Blue, our friend, true facts, about it

Hey readers, how's it going? Today's a public holiday which means no work, as I write this I am sitting drinking coffee while only wearing my underwear, Hurrah! And my plans for today? Well since it doesn't look like rain they are as follows

1. Go to city
2. Buy book.
3. Sit in park, read book.
4. Girls passing by; "Oooh, Oo iz ziz mysteriou homme avec un livre" (they're French) "Perhaps we should, ow you say, make out avec le beau stranger"
5. Weep bitter tears of loneliness. Kiss adorable French girls.

So wish me luck readers, here's some more True Facts. I'm trying to write one of these every couple days alongside with other stuff... Do any writers reading this think that's ok? Surely getting into the habit of writing regularly is what's important. Even if it's stupid? Eh, I dunno, the problem is that to write about something you need to form an opinion on it first, man, I'm too lazy to form opinions, I mean look at me! Anyway, blue:



Blue, one of the most popular colours ever. But what lies beyond that happy go lucky facade? Come with us now, as we explore this mysterious pigment.

1. If someone were to tell you "I'm feeling Blue" you'd probably try to cheer them up. Imagine how surprised Lee Traverson was when, after he said it, the police were called. You see Lee was refering to the music group Blue, whom he had drugged and kidnapped. After a 12 hour stand off with police Lee was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for "Inconveniencing a pop star"

2. Did you know you can tell a lot about someone from their favourite shade of blue? For instance, look at these three circles, they look pretty much the same but are in fact slightly different shades, After a few seconds you should find yourself drawn to one in particular.



Ok, have you picked one? Well if you picked the leftmost or centre circle, relax, you're fine. If you picked the one on the right then stop reading my website. You fucking nonces make me sick.

3. Everyone knows blue and red don't get on too well. Their heated rivalry has been enthralling the world for decades, but few know how the fued was started. Well basically red was going out with yellow for a while, ah you didn't know? Yeah man she's been with everyone. Anyway, red comes home one day finds her in bed, he's suspicious but not positive. She's trying to convince him nothings wrong yeah? Saying all this shit to him, anyway she gets him to sit down and goes to get him a drink, he's sitting, looks at her as she walks out and that's when he sees it.

Green all down her back.

4. Most humans aren't blue. In fact, should you find yourself, or anyone you know, turning blue you should immediately seek medical attention as you are no doubt suffering from hypothermia or a respiratory problem.

5. Blue is the colour of the skies, and the oceans, and the eyes of a girl I once loved many- Whoah. Ahem. But did you know blue is also the colour of the human soul? So says renowned soul hunter TJ McWolfclaw

"Yeah, they come in all sorts a blue", He informed out reporter, "Cept when you got the little bastards cornered, the fear makes em darken see. Then they take on a kinda, purplish, hue."

He then proceeded to spit his chewing tobacco into a nearby spitoon, making a perfect 'ping' noise, which confused our reporter as the spitoon was made of wood.

6. Blue is the colour of depression. One time I felt really blue. It was like I was walking, when suddenly the ground gave way below me and I was hurled into an endless abyss of darkness. I went swimming through eternal fathoms of emotion and blackness and, well long story short I successfully sued the city for negligence, serves them right for not replacing the manhole like that.

7. You know why in fast food places etc people always wear blue gloves or food arrives in blue plastic containers? It's because there are no blue foods, so If a bit of plastic falls in it will always stand out. Why are there no blue foods? What, you think this is 10 true facts about food? Man, it's never enough is it. Just, just go, get out of my face.

8. "I'm blue Dah dah dih dah etc" so went the popular euro dance song 'blue' a few years back. I've got nothing interesting to say about this song, it wasn't very good but at least you could dance to it I guess.
No wait, weren't those guys italian or something? Didn't they rap during the song? I've nothing against Italian rap mind, at least I've heard some that was good. I don't speak Italian but from what I heard it sounded cool and my friend informed me that the lyrics were hilarious. Anyway, point is the rap in this blue song was ridiculous. Which is why I'm ridiculing it right now. Take that music guys.

9. Hey! You know what happened to the Hindenberg? It blue up!

See blue sounds like blew, I, I'm sorry that was terrible.

I, I guess you could say I really blue it?

Well we hope you enjoyed this peek into the twisted gears and cogs that interlock together and help produce our favourite colour. Coming up next, maybe something good?

10 True facts about lions.

Here are some true facts about lions.

1. Lions are the undisputed kings of the jungle, having won the crown in a thrilling three way final between themselves, gorillas and bears. But did you know who the king of the lions is? Why none other then tennis player Pete Sampras!

2. Lions are wild beasts who care not for the laws of man, but can they be tamed? Experts contacted by this website said yes, and "The first man to tame the lion shall rule over the rest of humankind like an emperor, fear his mighty feline army." When we inquired as to whether the lions would have machine guns grafted to their back the expert looked startled and, backing towards a heavily guarded lab door, said "yes yes, we shall see... plans! plans are in a habit of... changing. Mhwu Hwu, hahahaha!"



3. One of the most famous lions ever, Aslan, is widely considered to be a metaphor for our lord God. Well he's not. Don't even pretend he is because you're wrong.

4. The hair of the male lion (it's mane) is highly valued in some schools of Asian traditional medicine, where it is used to appease bald ghosts.

5. We all love delicious Lion bars, crispy stuff, caramel, plus something else, all covered in milk chocolate. But did you know their name is nothing more then a marketing gimmic? That's right, so called 'Lion' bars are in fact made from leopards.

6. Famed 1920's strongman Herr Wundermuscle claimed he could defeat a lion in unarmed combat. Promotors jumped on the chance to see such a stirring exhibit of mans undoubted supremacy and the show was heavily promoted. Over 40,000 people packed into the hastily named 'Wundermuscle Stadion' to see the spectacle. They were left dissapointed however, the lion snuck a homemade shiv into the ring and was disqualified in the first round.

7. Lion scientists, or, as they probably like to be called, Liontists, have recently discovered an interesting fact. Their tests have revealed that if a lion sneaks up on you in the night and roars directly into your ear you are 97% likely to shit yourself. Fancy that!

8. Anyone who has watched a nature documentary can tell you that female lions do all the work, while the males sit around like useless idiots. That's the reason why lions were honoured by the worlds advertising agencies for, 'inspiring us to reach new levels of advertisingment'.

9. Disney's 'The Lion King' introduced the world to Simba. The loveable cub who grew up to be a king. But in real life Simbas story didn't go too well. Bankrupt only 5 years after the films release, he turned to drugs(catnip) to escape the world. Last year he was detained in the Phillipines. He had been caught as part of an FBI pedophile sting, the 8 year old boy he thought he was buying was in fact nothing more then some pillows and a football helmet artfully arranged under some blankets.



10. Have you ever seen a lion in real life? If you answered yes then congratulations, you're an idiot. You see lions project what liontists call a 'hyplox-cascade-resonator-array' no, I don't know what that means either, but basically it allows them to 'bend light' meaning that when we look at them, we in fact see 'through' them. But wait, what are we seeing when we think we can see lions? "harmless cobras" said our expert. "hahahahahahha".

There wasn't that funny. Hey guess what just happened, I lost my phone the other week. Anyway I always lose phones so I wasn't too worried about it, but one of my friends just rang me to say he got a message from my number. 'It's fitzer, I've got your brothers phone, I want my money' heh. Looks like the scumbag who stole my phone had it in turn stolen from him. The circle of life continues.