Virtua Fighter 5 Gamer Guide (part 3, final round!)

Well folks here we are, the final part of this exhaustive guide to Virtua Fighter 5. This time we have our final three fighters and also the combat tips!

FIGHT!

BRAD BURNS
Lost on a hunting trip when just a babe (it wasn't anything dramatic, his father left him asleep on the ground and forgot about him. He was halfway home before he noticed and, not wanting to pay through the toll bridge again (he had a grudge against the county) decided it was better to just pretend the kid had been kidnapped by "mexican bandits by the looks of them") Brad was found and raised by a grizzly old woodsman known only as Ol' Grizzly, The Man of The Woods. Ol' Grizz thought the lad the ways of the forest, and his mute Thai manservant taught him the deadly martial arts of his homeland. As he wandered through the woods, pausing only to kick the ribcage out of the occassional wolves chest, Brad would look at the stars and dream, wondering what the future would bring.

Now, as he prepares to fight in the ultimate combat tournament, Brad Burns is a much changed man. His tailored suits, slick hairstyle, chisseled physique and fancy ways speak of a sophisticated gentleman brutalist. But inside he is still that lost infant, crying in the rain. Do it Brad, do it for Ol' Grizz plus that other guy!

Them's fighting words:
Nothing is faster then my fists, not even the swiftest snake! (punches air several times) Well, I guess maybe a really fast snake.

Yeah, fighting, Yeah! (jumps up and down, kicking and punching, accidently kills some guy) I looooove to fight baby!

WOLF HAWKFIELD
Wolf, Wolf Hawkfield. In the tradition of such luminaries as Chaingun McSawblade, Rocky Von Doom-Cock, Captain Crackfist Smackface and Little Jimmy 'The Scourge of the Unrighteous whom He will Destroy with Excessive Violence' Smith, Wolf has a name that's not so much a name, as a descriptor, or a promise. Yes, this lone hunter hunts in a pack of one, has fantastic vision and lives only on what he can kill with his bare hands, swooping out of the sky to land on his prey and devour them whole. He also enjoys walking in fields and meadows.

This all makes it even more puzzling why his gimmick during his short lived stint in the WWE was as 'The Enviro-mentalist'. Vince McMahon was in need of a new heel but this just didn't suit Wolf, well known for his hatred of animals. The events of the infamous storyline which climaxed with Wolf fighting Triple H in a match to save a variety of endangered animals, suspended above the ring, don't need repeating here. Suffice to say it was enough to finally piss of the World Wildlife Fund so much that they took legal action and made the then WWF change it's name. It also finished Wolf as a professional wrestler and he returned to the Alaskan wastelands in disgrace, a broken bitter man.

Now the new Ultimate Virtual Fighting tournament has started. Perhaps if he brutalizes enough opponents, some of whom are probably evil, he will have a chance for redemption.


In-ring taunts:
May the space warriors who call me their kin grant me victory in this match (beats chest) the blood of the warrior flows through my heart and cries out for battle!

(lick fingers and holds it aloft in the air) an ill wind blows for my opponent, all who dare face me shall die and their dreams will be forgotten. For I am the holder of the sacred truths of combat!

AOI UMENOKOUJI
Strong defensively but occasionally limited when attacking, Aoi is a solid choice and in the hands of an experienced player she can beat anyone. 8/10

Stuff she says:

I sure hope I wine this match (does single kick while staring emotionlessly forward) that would allow me to continue on to the next opponent.

A good battle, I'm glad I won. (wipes microscopic piece of dust from lapel) the best part was the good sportsmanship on display from all involved. Three cheers for civility.



BATTLE TACTICS
So now we've met our fighter, but how will we lead them to victory? True mastery of Virtua Fighter involves knowing the ins and outs of ever fighter's moves, stances and etc and if you expect me to know this shit you're dead wrong buddy.

You here me? Dead wrong, you piece of shit, you cock swallowing fuckrat, you putrid speck of diseased gorilla ejaculate, get out of my face! You sicken me.

Anyway, most of the guides online give you the same information, it's all PPKK>PK
Punches: usually faster then kicks, use them when you want to hit your opponent

Kicks: Usually slower then punches, but they'll pack more of a punch... wait. Eh, use them at your discretion.

Throws: These are good for when your opponent is blocking. Usually I can only manage to do the same one or two but other people can do a wide variety! Ask them how.

Blocking: Block your opponents attacks with a well timed block. Simply press the block button and your opponent will be shocked to find his attacks are somehow being blocked!

Running: Occasionaly, maybe towards the end of the fight, you'll want to run at your opponent by double tapping forward, then press the kick button. If it works out you should kick your opponent in the head, it makes you feel like a badass!

Other moves: ?

Well I hope you enjoyed this guide. Perhaps one day we will meet on the Virtual Fighting ground of Xbox live. Till next time readers

FIGHT!

Virtua Fighter Game Guide (part 2)

Yo yo what up in this hizz house my chums (sorry, I been listening to the new Bobby Digital, it be the shiznit etc) anyway on with our Virtua Fighter Guide. Here's some more characters plus some combat tips. Part one can be found lower down the page. I used most of my good jokes in that one so if you can only read one of these for some reason make it that one!

FIGHT

VANESSA LEWIS

Large breasted Vanessa fights for no other reason than a love of combat, she has travelled the world engaging in streetfights against all manner of characters- Robotic skeletons with swords for hands, three eight year olds standing on each others shoulders and carrying uzis, one time she even beat up 17 Lion Men and a Panda Woman (furry convention) This all makes her choice to leave her breasts pretty much completely exposed during battle even more puzzling. Sure it distracts the occasional fighter but, hey lady, you see that ninja? The one staring at you while licking a blade? He learned how to retract his testicles as a form of self defence 17 years ago and he still hasn't unretracted them. You might want to start wearing some sort of protective shirt.


In the heat of combat:

Heh, another fight (without looking swings her arm out, braining a curious monkey) Lets go!

I totally won that battle (turns to camera and bends over, winks and blows kiss) hey, ever notice I've got boobs?

GOH HINOGAMI

When eccentric billionare Rudolph Worsmt-Nuffikin assembled a team of the most evil scientists ever, then instructed them to create the ultimate fighter, people called him eccentric. When he later realised he'd made a terrible mistake and rushed to their secret lab of evil, only to find it mysteriously disappeared as per his instructions (he actually specified 'mysteriously' not just normally dissapeared) they called him a madman. But when his creation of evil single handedly defeated Stalin in unarmed combat, thus defeating the communist menace before Joseph McCarthy's Doombots could start rolling of the production line, they called him a hero and a patriot. The lesson? I really don't know, he's a talkin' zombie who does Judo, and maybe that's what really matters.

Heed His Threats:
Little girl, you are not ready to battle with me (relaxes, starts rolling a smoke) don't worry, take all the time you need!

With the power of Judo, I can defeat any enemy (pulls out tiny Japanese flag) Japan number 1!!!

JACKY BRYANT
Growing up under the shadow of her illustrious sister, Jacqueline Bryant always felt second best. No matter what she did it always seemed like Sarah was the one who got all the attention, all the praise and all the boys. When they sparred together Jacqui could never quite keep up, her sisters fancy footwork and razor sharp reactions overwhelming her, try as she might.

It was after one such session, with her body pressed down into the mud, held there by her sisters firm buttocks, shapely and ripe, promising untold pleasures and - Woah! Anyway, It was then that she reached the end of her tether, she had had enough, something must be done.

She considered her problem, her sister was superior in every way, no woman could defeat her! It was hopeless, but wait! What if?

One year later a new figure stepped into the Dojo, confident and pretty, with a certain sassy masculinity, this was the new Jacqui. You see she had realised the only way to defeat her sister was to harness the natural superiority of the male sex. It took many hours of painful surgery but the new 'Jacky' Bryant was ready to defeat his sister, and prove she was every bit her equal, no, better!

Unfortuantly it didn't work, Sarah continued to trounce her new brother in every battle and Jacky regretted his decision every day. Perhaps if he wins this tournament he can make amends, with himself.


He Says Things!:
Speed beats power everytime!(dances around, kicks) That's what I keep telling myself anyway

Wait, hold on, so you're saying paper beats rock? (looks at fingers in confusion) That means I've been a ghost all along!

EL BLAZE
Lucha Libre fighter El Blaze was hanging out poolside when he got the call, the new tournament was starting, they wanted him to fight. Looking at his butler with an expression of contempt bordering on disgust he asked the question, the answer of which was the only thing that mattered. "Do they still give you those official tournament T Shirts, even if you lose?". The butler nodded in the affirmitive. Whistling for his private helicopter, which was always on hand and summoned by whistles, El Blaze donned his best wrestling mask, it was going to be a good weekend.

Taunts:
With my acrobatic wrestling style (backflips into a summersault) no one can defeat me (cartwheels around ring, hugs adoring fans) Woaaaahhh!! (gets tangled in ropes comically)

I love fighting! It's good excercise, and healthier then sitting in front of the TV all day! (holds up cereal box) eat Luchios, they're Luchtaculous!



EILEEN
With her pixie like hair do, adorable monkey fighting style, heart full of innocence and spunky attitude, Eileen is a refreshing breath of fresh air in the sometimes stale world of Virtua Fighting. That only makes the sight of her being brutally manhandled, kicked over and over in the head, snapped over the knee of a psychotic giant and thrown into electric walls all the more hilarious, distressing! What were you thinking Eilenn? What were you thinking?

Listen to her proud boasts:
I may be tiny, but my heart is filled with positivity, and that's enough to win any battle (does little nod) Especially the battle against the filthy Zionist menace.

Hey I won, can you believe it?(looks around at audience) seriously, this is pretty surprising, what happens now? I, I fight someone else? haha, yeah I- (starts looking increasingly alarmed) you're not joking?



Ok, so next time we're gonna round of the rest of the fighters, plus some combat tips!

Virtua Fighter 5 Game Guide (part 1)

Hey readers! I know what you're thinking "why hasn't sparkthenight updated, life is so dull without it's prescence. Wait, maybe it's updated now! No... still no update. I guess suicide is the only option." Well I'm here to say, Woah, relax, get off that balcony, put down that razor blade, call poison control, uh... un-set yourself on fire... ok, that's one reader I've lost but the rest of you don't worry! Here's an iluminating guide to Virtua Fighter 5

The latest in the Virtua Fighter series, number 5 truly lives up to it's reputation as 'the fighters fighter'. But that doesn't mean you have to be a kung fu master to be good at the game, no, all you need is to follow the advice outlined in this guide.

FIGHT!

CHARACTERS
The characters in this game are a varied bunch of cut throat martial artists, you must be familiar with all of them if you hope to achieve true mastery. Here we have some info on the fighters, along with some of their dialogue from the game:


AKIRA: Ever since being thrown out of a Ryu lookalike contest, Akira has been consumed with one passion, revenge. To this end he has trained night and day, honing his skills in order to become the greatest fighter, in the greatest fighting series of all! One day there will be lookalike contests in his honour, and no one will be barred in disgrace for trying to bribe the judges with oral sex! Unless they're fat.

Before match:
Victory will be mine! (punches through concrete) I'm at least eighty percent sure.

(yawning) Aw man, a battle? I'm already so tired (stretches, suddenly turns to look opponent directly in the eyes) tired from humping your mom all night long that is. She loved it, slag.


SARAH: Utilising the deadly fighting style 'Martial Arts', Sarah is easily one of the best fighters in the game. Speed, power, an array of most deadly kicks. She is without doubt as fearsome as she is beautiful. Also I love those earrings she wears, in fact I really admire all her accessories. Really. She's probably the best fighter in the game. 10/10.

(Sorry readers, I'm hoping that when she reads this she'll realise how much she likes me, then she might answer my letters!)



As witty as she is beautiful:
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win this battle (looks opponent up and down, curls nose) Make that very sure.

That's funny, I heard you were a great fighter. (spins, makes peace sign at camera) I should probably visit my ear doctor.

LAU CHAN Old man Lau should be the greatest fighter, but one thing holds him back, his age. As evidenced by the way he coughs before many battles, he is a sick man, no longer able to survive in the fast paced world of travelling around punching and kicking people. Can he persevere and win before his body gives in to the ravages of the several diseases he has? Or will he die, ashamed and humiliated when people find out the secret he's been carrying within him all these years. The secret that he doesn't know how to do kung fu at all, he's just been flailing his arms around wildly and somehow it's worked so far.

Pre Fight Taunt:
I may be old (whirls arms around, kicks air) but you are ugly!

You are far from learning true wisdom (cuts flame in half with hidden shoe-blade) incidentally, would you be interested in helping me transfer money from my Nigerian bank account?


JEFFREY WILD: The biggest and strongest of all the fighters, inside Jeffrey is a kind gentle man. Sure he may enjoy wounding animals, but it's only so he can nurse them back to health, yes, you may say, but isn't it true that he then goes on to wound them again? Well yeah, but that's only so he can nurse them back to health again, you know, to hone his skills, and, before you say it, he wounds them the third time so that he can give them to the orphans he cares for, so they may learn the joys of nursing animals back to health. Okay, so the orphans are only orphans because he killed their parents, yeah okay you win, he's just a big muscley bastard



In Game Boasts:
I am the strongest, (stamps on ground, roars, displays biceps) look at my muscles!

Ha Ha (waves arms like angry gorilla) It is fun to be strong. Ah 'tis true what they say, to crush the innocent is the finest pleasure of all!


KAGE-MARU: Being a ninja, kage maru's natural enemy is the pirate. HA HA, did you see what I just did? Pirates! Just imagine, a ninja fighting a pirate, they're natural enemies! ha ha, oh god.

Anyway, Kage is a such a crappy ninja he should be called a nonja. No matter how many different button combinations I pressed it was impossible to make him melt into shadows, throw ninja stars, deliver messages to his opponents via tiny robot or even assassinate a shogun. Sure he can do flips, but so can Robin, and do I have a poster of Chris O Donnell on my wall? Not since last Wednesday! Poor show Kage. Fag.



Battle Cries:
Niiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn(backflips)nnnjjjjjjjjjjaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The way of the ninja is really tough (throws knife through butterfly) bet you couldn't be one.

LEI-FAI: A devout shaolin monk, when he's not competing in martial arts tournaments Lei Fei can be found balancing on his finger tips for days at a time, carrying buckets of water up staircases only to pour them into a resevoir which carries the water back to the bottom, being at one with the universe and practicing air guitar in front of his mirror, he's getting pretty good!

After The Match:
That was (changes pose) easy (changes pose) why don't (changes pose) you try (changes pose) another time (falls over).

Looks like you 'Became One'. With my fist! (turns away from opponent, winces and places fist in ice)


PAI CHAN: She's Lau's daughter! Aww, she wants to follow in her fathers footsteps! Sounds perfect right? wrong. There's just one thing marring this little story, this perfect picture- of deceit!

Yes that's right, in the course of my investigations I discovered a few interesting facts about our friend Pai, or should I say Pui! That's right, Pui Ling, a professional actress from a small town in Tsingtao. Down on her luck, she got a mysterious job offer, pretend to be this girl Pai, fight in a few martial arts tournaments, do a few interviews and get paid a fortune. She's living from day to day, she's not going to ask any questions, no, the girl did what any of us would under the circumstances. She's not to blame.

But what of the original Pai, what happened to her? Well my friends, therein lies the mystery, the dirty secret hiding behind the golden Virtua Fighter facade, for you see THE VIRTUA FIGHTER TOURNAMENT IS BLAMELESS. THERE IS NO MYSTERY. I AM GOING TO RETURN TO MY FAMILY WHO I LOVE. LETS ALL ENJOY THE VF FIGHTS!




Threatening her Opponent:
I may be a woman (punches air, does high kick) but that doesn't mean I don't like fighting!

Although I do like fighting, I like kittens even more (kneels down to embrace group of kittens) tee hee, oh how they delight my tiny woman brain.


LION RAFALE
As a young, blonde, French boy Lion dreamed of one thing, becoming an accountant. His parents however had other plans, he was to be a fighter. Every day Lion would run away, find somewhere secret, open up his maths books and start busting those numbers, but his parents always found him and dragged him off to fighting school. No matter how much he begged and screamed they wouldn't listen, he was to be a warrior "Why do you think we named you Lion?" his father would ask, and that would be that.

What his father didn't tell Lion was, he couldn't even remember why he'd chosen that name. He'd woken up after a nights boozing and found out he'd made a bet with his enemy, Pierre McFrench, that he'd call his son Lion and train him to be a fighter. No way was he going to give that McFrench bastard the satisfaction of winning the bet. Besides, after a few years he forgot about his dreams of having an accountant son.

Get ready to fight:
Yeah yeah, let's do this (spin kicks, punches air, dances a little) hey, do you ever think there's more to life the fighting?

That was a pretty good battle (helps opponent up) you wanna maybe grab a coffee later? No pressure!


That's all for now readers! Next time we're gonna have some more fighters and some important battle tactics (sneak preview, punch and kick your opponent in the face)

What your Favourite Sandwich says about You

Ever since the noble Lord Sandwich declined to take a break from his game of Baccarat and instead insisted that his manservant bring him meat and bread, then placed the meat within the bread, then ordered his manservant be flogged for having a presumptious air about him, then made a ribald comment about the scullery maid, then requested a drink, then realised that the servant who usually made him his drinks was being flogged, then went to get the drink himself, then got confused as to the correct way to make the drink and had to consult the Viscount Sex on The Beach (who was also present), then had to grudgingly admit that that was a pretty good cocktail, then spent several minutes ruminating upon what it would be like to sleep with the Viscounts wife and exactly how the circumstances which would enable this to take place could be brought about, then had to adjust his pants as his erection was getting rather uncomfortable, then realised that the scullery maid was looking at him and that he was doing something rather improper for a man of his influence and prestige, then ran after her, while still adjusting his pants, shouting "wait wait, I can explain!", then, in his haste and off balance, tripped over a fold in the carpet, then, while tumbling headfirst down the stairway, made a mental note to have the manservant flogged for the shoddy condition of the carpet and was pleased with himself when he remembered he'd already done so, then landed in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs and hastily exclaimed "bugger and blast it all", then realised his wife and eight year old daughter were only just returned from Brighton Beach and had witnessed the whole affair, then told from the look in his wife's eyes that he would unfortunately not be getting flogged that night, then returned to the Baccarat table in a sulk, then remembered how hungry he was, then ate the bread with the meat in it and thus invented the food which would henceforth carry his name, man has always loved sandwiches.

But what can our choice of sandwich tell us about ourselves? Join me on this journey of sandwich analysis and find out!

Ham and Cheese: Boring and conventional, or at least that's what you want people to think, when at home you no doubt enjoy wearing ladies underwear, or, if you're already a lady, you enjoy dressing like a lumberjack or 1920's tycoon.

Ham, Cheese and Coleslaw: A twist on a classic, with Venus in the ascendecy this sandwich choice bodes well for a new love affair and perhaps a promotion at work. But be sure not to wear a raincoat on Tuesday!

Tuna, Coleslaw and Sweetcorn: Seriously, this is your favourite? Wait, without buttert or mayonaisse because the coleslaw provides enough mayonaisse already right? No way, me to! Man, we're sandwich buddies!

Salami, Ham, Beef, Steaks instead of bread: Hello!? Overcompensate much? Don't worry buddy, we won't think less of you if you put some vegetables in there. Discount the preceding if you are in fact a lion in a zoo or other caged animal, this is probably just your feeder trying to get a little creative at lunchtime, and who can blame him?


Vegetarian: Hey you know who else was a vegetartian? Hitler, that's who. I'm just saying is all. Saying you're Hitler (or worse then) that is.

Well I hope you enjoyed this look into the world of sandwich's and what they tell us about ourselves. I'm pretty sure the opening sentence was longer then the actual article, what up with that Homes? If you didn't enjoy the article... look, I, I'm sorry alright, Jesus, I'm trying my best here, just get off my back Jerklumps!



Like the pictures? Ok so they're just pictures of sandwichs but both these guys have cool stuff on theire flickr pages (including a rastafarian kitten, seriously, if you get nothing else from this article at least check out the kitty!):

http://flickr.com/photos/moriza/

http://flickr.com/photos/kitsa_sakurako/

Some cool videos for you

Blog Blog Blog Blog. Now where were we?

I've got the flu! I'm all drowsy and stuff from the pills I've been taking, I've been sick for about four days now. I'm hoping I'll be better tomorrow.

So politics, eh? These American elections are getting crazier by the day, it's pretty exciting! To be honest, as someone who is generally cynical about politicians it's also kind of sickening. I mean, when people are using Alaska being close to Russia and thus being from Alaska gives you foreign policy experience as an argument, regardless of whether they actually believe it or not, the fact that they can say something so incredibly stupid. I mean, that's just an insult, expecting people not to laugh straight in the face of such idiocy.

Still these people are the professionals, they know what they're doing.

Anyway, here's a great video that really shows how well everything is managed by these people:



it's just incredible really. Of course all this is just my opinion, not everyone agrees with me and who am I to tell people what to think? (answer: no one). It's life people, we should try to enjoy it!


So I was planning on writing something funny but I really feel too sick. While there is no cure for the common cold there is a cure for feeling bad though, check this out:

Wait a minute! I was about to embed another video, (then I was gonna say "looks like I got the embedding video bug too"(heh)) but Youtube won't let me. Can, can they do that? Apparently so, anyway

Katsumi Yamada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX21d-aDsNc
Ayako Miyake
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDqY8dWsLWQ

The dedication and determination and everything shown by these guys is really incredible.

Yeah that's all. Man this blog has really gone downhill recently I think. Oh well!