Advice

Believe it or not, every day at spark the night we receive dozens of email from people looking for advice for all sorts of problems. In fact so many have been received recently that I've been to busy answering them to actually write any sort of update. Anyway, by way of killing two birds with one stone (a practice which is drastically overrated in my opinion) I thought I would answer some of these questions here.

To Uncomfortable in DW

The best solution to your problem is to politely remind your co workers that the office is not an appropriate place for that sort of behaviour. Explain them that dog fighting is illegal and politely request they reimburse you for your rabies shots and the loss of your puppies.

To Awkward in PY
Try explaining to the teachers and other PTA members that it was all a misunderstanding. Your speech was switched with this other one and you didn't realise until you were half way through, you thought that it was safer to continue on with what you were reading than to risk boring people by starting a new speech. Deny any knowledge of the Aryan Purity Brotherhood, their goals or beliefs. If all else fails remind them that you are the one who should be punished, not little Adolf.

To Bored in DA
I'm sorry but your balloon is lost forever, try holding on tighter to the string next time or maybe even buy standard, non helium filled, balloons instead.

To Excruciating in KA
First of all, relax. Then slowly remove your hand from the boiling water, not too fast though! The slightest incorrect movement might upset the precariously balanced collection of knives and swords hanging over your head which are attached to your arm by a single piece of thread. Ok? Now, with your other hand keep feeling around in the stinging nettles and fire ants, found the Croc-Chow yet? Well I hope so, if my prediction's are correct the crocodiles circling you naked body are going to be getting pretty hungry by now and you'll need this to distract them. Ok now they're taken care of you can start patting out the fire on your head. Finally head to your local vetenarian and they should be able to do something about the vipers which are attached to your testicles.

To Sticky in FG
Try getting a dog to lick it off.

To Frustrated in GN
I'm sorry to break it to you like this but I'm afraid the reason Marie won't sleep with you isn't because you're putting her under too much pressure, it's not because you unable to bring her to the fancy restaurants she loves or because she's afraid afterwards you won't treat her the same. Your efforts to wash yourself speak in full sentences are a step in the right direction, and please don't give them up, but the fact remains that Marie won't sleep with you because she's just an upside down mop.

To Besieged in TY
Ok, you're still the acting head of state for the moment, now's the time to act. Start a series of attack ads against the rebel leaders to discourage their followers and discredit the movement. Sentdout the police and military to disperse protesters. Promise a 'freedom rebate' to your people, money in exchange for their loyalty. If none of this works then an elaborate charade might be in order, a popular tactic is to make it appear your country is under attack from your country, in the future, think Wag the Dog, only instead of Dustin Hoffman there's a killbot with lasers for eyes. The only way to stop defeat at the hands of these future bastards is to support the current government so that the bad guys never come to power in the first place.

To Ow it Burns in QQQ
Run to the sink and turn the cold tap, place your mouth under the running water and let it sooth your burns. Next time someone bets you you can't eat fire just laugh them off, you'll be the bigger man.

To Haunted in OO
I've no record of any high level phantasamings in your area so it sounds like this is just your average haunting, sorry to break it to you but you probably don't need all that fancy ghost hunting equipment, an average spectral net and some ghost lure (an tape of ghost pornography should suffice) should be more then enough with the edition of a luminous painted bat or crowbar. Just arrange the trap as usual with the ghost porn playing and when the spirit is caught start beating him with your glow in the dark weapon. He should soon reveal whether your family are still in a part of the spirit realm where they can be retrieved or, as I suspect, they've been enslaved by ghost pirates.

Sorry I couldn't answer everyones letters, but I hope I helped some of you guys out there! For anyone else in need of advice pick from this list of every reasonable answer:

Yes

Maybe

4-0

Definitely

Just kiss her you fool

No

Short Back and Sides

Buzz Aldrin

The Lion

First go over with the chicken and the grain, then back with the grain, take the fox over but bring back the chicken, then bring the grain over, leave it with the fox and finally return for the chicken. You did it!

Till next time!