spark the night

A short story about Adam Sandler

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:13:00 +0000

Hey readers, sorry I haven't been updating but I've been unmotivated recently and stuff. Anyway I found a web page with a bunch of writing excercises so I'm trying to do them all. This is the first one, anyway, enjoy! comments or critiscm from anyone who reads this would be great!

Adam Sandler was just starting to enjoy the tension releasing waves being produced by his massage chair when there was a knock on the door. Why? Why was he being interrupted just when he was finally starting to forget the string of mishaps which had so far beset the filming of his new movie, 'Harper in the Hamptons'.

When he first read the screenplay he was sure this was going to be a hit, the plot was genius. He played Rocko Harper, an anger prone but unlucky former baseball player who'd never made the big leagues, but still had the naivety of a child. Spending his days drinking with a varied assortment of loveable losers, his battle rapper best friend, the psycopathic but colour blind barman, a bearded transvestite, the octogenarian woman who's always looking to 'get some'. in his local bar. He had a pathetic but hilarity filled life. That is until the day a drunken millionaire died after a string of mishaps involving a fire extinguisher, the overhead fan and a pair of blow up sex dolls. Suffice to say Rocko ends up moving to the hamptons, along with his band of misfit outcasts, where he is initially treated poorly. Eventually however he manages to win over the snobs with his hard partying baseball loving ways.

But despite the dynamite script things hadn't quite worked out, casting was a nightmare, how hard was it to find a decent rapper actor? Harder then you'd think, they'd been turned down by Mos Def, Ice Cube, Method Man, Redman, DMX, eventually they'd had to settle for the unknown MC Skeleton Ghost, who claimed that all his recordings were 'so tight we couldn't even release that shit', the suits bought it but Adam still suspected he wasn't a real rapper.

The leading lady had been even worse, the script called for 'tits and hair', not a problem usually, one of the producers claimed to have the perfect actress ready, and coincedentally she was his girlfriend. Her screen test had gone well and Adam and the director had been happy, until she opened her mouth, Adam had been in many films with special effects, but none managed to be as impressive as the effect produced by her voice, every word was like having a thousand demons drag their claws across your face and lick the back of your ears with their pointed scaly tongues

And now, what? Wearily he turned to the door "Enter", it was the director, he couldn't recall his name right now.

"Adam, we need to go over todays schedule, we may need to make some changes to the script"

"Why, what is it now? What is this shit?"

In frustration Adam started kicking and stamping on a 42 inch Sanyo plasma screen, it was placed there expressly for that purpose, there'd be another one there soon. "God fuck damnit, always more problems. What did I do? Please tell me, what did I do to deserve this shit?

"Adam please, it's just a few minor-"

"No, whaughh, stop talking! Just shut up."

"Adam I-

"Arghh, answer my question, what did I do?"

Flailing and smashing and having already destroyed the plasma screen Adam started punching and kicking the wall seperating the bathroom from the main trailer. It fell under his fists surprisingly quickly, maybe the new excercise regime his trainer had got him doing was working after all. After a few minutes nothing was left of the partition, he collapsed in the rubble, spent.

"We can replace that wall, it's not a problem, here, have a Werthers Original"

As soon as the delicious caramel sweet was in his mouth Adam felt better, the sugary sweet candy danced and played around his tongue, delicious soft honey goodness. He knew it was supposed to mollify him but he didn't mind. In fact sometimes he suspected he was more likely to rage knowing his reward was coming, but he could never admit that to his director, and epecially not to himself. As the golden drop of pleasure melted in his mouth he started to relax. Times like this were necessary, to remind him what it was all about.

"Thanks"

"No problem Adam, now how about we look at these changes"

"Yeah sure. You know we didn't have Werthers Originals when I was a kid, in Brooklyn."

"Really? that's nice Adam. Now how about we start going over this."

The director started going through his sheaves of paper.

"Now the scene at the yacht club, you'll be disguised as a waiter."

"I get to wear red right?"

"Adam we've gone over this, we've got dozens of extras here all dressed in the black and white. It's too late to make big costume changes now

"I should wear red, It'll look good, see ,see" he put on his simple voice of childlike innocence "I'm, ah, a special waiter, I don't know why they, ah, got me dressed like this, heh. Then I spill the soup and instead of getting the towels, to clean them up like I say, I sneak out and get to the speedboat"

"Well, that's what we want to change. How about this, you spill the soup, but the guy is really annoyed. He calls you an idiot, a moron, and as he's going on this tirade, we get closer and tighter in on you, his voice starts to fade out, we see-"

"We see the rage building in your face, and that's when you snap Adam, you start yelling and shouting and..."

"Then you mash the potatoes into his face! What do you think, good? I have to be honest, I think it's dynamite."

Adam's vision start to swim back into focus, what was that? What just happened?

"Yeah, yeah sure. Ok cool whatever. What's next?"

"Well then we've got the scene at the formal dance. Most of this is already taken care of, now when you get on stage, how about, before you grab the guitar, The Admiral tries to stop you. You clock him one in the eye, and-"

..."All the stiffs try to stop you, and we'll put in a reaction shot of your buddy going damn."...

..."Outrageously in-your-face"...

..."Possibly a cameo, one of those guys people like ironically, maybe Chuck Norris"...

..."Mr T is available they confirmed today, we're thinking if Gary Colemans ok he can carry him on his back for the big race, or maybe even get a mini speedboat for Gary? That's genius! Adam, what do you think? Adam? Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine" What was going on? "Just, just get out of here".

"Ok" The Director was looking at him funny, "See you out on set, 10 minutes"

Adam looked at himself in the mirror. What was happening? Had he already been here? Done all this? Was he forever going to be stuck playing the same characters, making the same jokes? Locked in a spiral of slapstick and screaming, a spiral that could only end in an ignominious demise, a footnote in the annals of cinematic comedy. Was he doomed to forever repeat himself? Unable to change anything, unable to break this curse?

He really wished he hadn't murdered that gypsy hooker when he was in university.

Hey, that's over, hope you liked it! hopefully mopre regular updates soon!

Advice

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:05:00 +0000

Believe it or not, every day at spark the night we receive dozens of email from people looking for advice for all sorts of problems. In fact so many have been received recently that I've been to busy answering them to actually write any sort of update. Anyway, by way of killing two birds with one stone (a practice which is drastically overrated in my opinion) I thought I would answer some of these questions here.

To Uncomfortable in DW

The best solution to your problem is to politely remind your co workers that the office is not an appropriate place for that sort of behaviour. Explain them that dog fighting is illegal and politely request they reimburse you for your rabies shots and the loss of your puppies.

To Awkward in PY
Try explaining to the teachers and other PTA members that it was all a misunderstanding. Your speech was switched with this other one and you didn't realise until you were half way through, you thought that it was safer to continue on with what you were reading than to risk boring people by starting a new speech. Deny any knowledge of the Aryan Purity Brotherhood, their goals or beliefs. If all else fails remind them that you are the one who should be punished, not little Adolf.

To Bored in DA
I'm sorry but your balloon is lost forever, try holding on tighter to the string next time or maybe even buy standard, non helium filled, balloons instead.

To Excruciating in KA
First of all, relax. Then slowly remove your hand from the boiling water, not too fast though! The slightest incorrect movement might upset the precariously balanced collection of knives and swords hanging over your head which are attached to your arm by a single piece of thread. Ok? Now, with your other hand keep feeling around in the stinging nettles and fire ants, found the Croc-Chow yet? Well I hope so, if my prediction's are correct the crocodiles circling you naked body are going to be getting pretty hungry by now and you'll need this to distract them. Ok now they're taken care of you can start patting out the fire on your head. Finally head to your local vetenarian and they should be able to do something about the vipers which are attached to your testicles.

To Sticky in FG
Try getting a dog to lick it off.

To Frustrated in GN
I'm sorry to break it to you like this but I'm afraid the reason Marie won't sleep with you isn't because you're putting her under too much pressure, it's not because you unable to bring her to the fancy restaurants she loves or because she's afraid afterwards you won't treat her the same. Your efforts to wash yourself speak in full sentences are a step in the right direction, and please don't give them up, but the fact remains that Marie won't sleep with you because she's just an upside down mop.

To Besieged in TY
Ok, you're still the acting head of state for the moment, now's the time to act. Start a series of attack ads against the rebel leaders to discourage their followers and discredit the movement. Sentdout the police and military to disperse protesters. Promise a 'freedom rebate' to your people, money in exchange for their loyalty. If none of this works then an elaborate charade might be in order, a popular tactic is to make it appear your country is under attack from your country, in the future, think Wag the Dog, only instead of Dustin Hoffman there's a killbot with lasers for eyes. The only way to stop defeat at the hands of these future bastards is to support the current government so that the bad guys never come to power in the first place.

To Ow it Burns in QQQ
Run to the sink and turn the cold tap, place your mouth under the running water and let it sooth your burns. Next time someone bets you you can't eat fire just laugh them off, you'll be the bigger man.

To Haunted in OO
I've no record of any high level phantasamings in your area so it sounds like this is just your average haunting, sorry to break it to you but you probably don't need all that fancy ghost hunting equipment, an average spectral net and some ghost lure (an tape of ghost pornography should suffice) should be more then enough with the edition of a luminous painted bat or crowbar. Just arrange the trap as usual with the ghost porn playing and when the spirit is caught start beating him with your glow in the dark weapon. He should soon reveal whether your family are still in a part of the spirit realm where they can be retrieved or, as I suspect, they've been enslaved by ghost pirates.

Sorry I couldn't answer everyones letters, but I hope I helped some of you guys out there! For anyone else in need of advice pick from this list of every reasonable answer:

Yes

Maybe

4-0

Definitely

Just kiss her you fool

No

Short Back and Sides

Buzz Aldrin

The Lion

First go over with the chicken and the grain, then back with the grain, take the fox over but bring back the chicken, then bring the grain over, leave it with the fox and finally return for the chicken. You did it!

Till next time!

Virtua Fighter 5 Gamer Guide (part 3, final round!)

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:51:00 +0000

Well folks here we are, the final part of this exhaustive guide to Virtua Fighter 5. This time we have our final three fighters and also the combat tips!

FIGHT!

BRAD BURNS
Lost on a hunting trip when just a babe (it wasn't anything dramatic, his father left him asleep on the ground and forgot about him. He was halfway home before he noticed and, not wanting to pay through the toll bridge again (he had a grudge against the county) decided it was better to just pretend the kid had been kidnapped by "mexican bandits by the looks of them") Brad was found and raised by a grizzly old woodsman known only as Ol' Grizzly, The Man of The Woods. Ol' Grizz thought the lad the ways of the forest, and his mute Thai manservant taught him the deadly martial arts of his homeland. As he wandered through the woods, pausing only to kick the ribcage out of the occassional wolves chest, Brad would look at the stars and dream, wondering what the future would bring.

Now, as he prepares to fight in the ultimate combat tournament, Brad Burns is a much changed man. His tailored suits, slick hairstyle, chisseled physique and fancy ways speak of a sophisticated gentleman brutalist. But inside he is still that lost infant, crying in the rain. Do it Brad, do it for Ol' Grizz plus that other guy!

Them's fighting words:
Nothing is faster then my fists, not even the swiftest snake! (punches air several times) Well, I guess maybe a really fast snake.

Yeah, fighting, Yeah! (jumps up and down, kicking and punching, accidently kills some guy) I looooove to fight baby!

WOLF HAWKFIELD
Wolf, Wolf Hawkfield. In the tradition of such luminaries as Chaingun McSawblade, Rocky Von Doom-Cock, Captain Crackfist Smackface and Little Jimmy 'The Scourge of the Unrighteous whom He will Destroy with Excessive Violence' Smith, Wolf has a name that's not so much a name, as a descriptor, or a promise. Yes, this lone hunter hunts in a pack of one, has fantastic vision and lives only on what he can kill with his bare hands, swooping out of the sky to land on his prey and devour them whole. He also enjoys walking in fields and meadows.

This all makes it even more puzzling why his gimmick during his short lived stint in the WWE was as 'The Enviro-mentalist'. Vince McMahon was in need of a new heel but this just didn't suit Wolf, well known for his hatred of animals. The events of the infamous storyline which climaxed with Wolf fighting Triple H in a match to save a variety of endangered animals, suspended above the ring, don't need repeating here. Suffice to say it was enough to finally piss of the World Wildlife Fund so much that they took legal action and made the then WWF change it's name. It also finished Wolf as a professional wrestler and he returned to the Alaskan wastelands in disgrace, a broken bitter man.

Now the new Ultimate Virtual Fighting tournament has started. Perhaps if he brutalizes enough opponents, some of whom are probably evil, he will have a chance for redemption.

In-ring taunts:
May the space warriors who call me their kin grant me victory in this match (beats chest) the blood of the warrior flows through my heart and cries out for battle!

(lick fingers and holds it aloft in the air) an ill wind blows for my opponent, all who dare face me shall die and their dreams will be forgotten. For I am the holder of the sacred truths of combat!

AOI UMENOKOUJI
Strong defensively but occasionally limited when attacking, Aoi is a solid choice and in the hands of an experienced player she can beat anyone. 8/10

Stuff she says:

I sure hope I wine this match (does single kick while staring emotionlessly forward) that would allow me to continue on to the next opponent.

A good battle, I'm glad I won. (wipes microscopic piece of dust from lapel) the best part was the good sportsmanship on display from all involved. Three cheers for civility.

BATTLE TACTICS
So now we've met our fighter, but how will we lead them to victory? True mastery of Virtua Fighter involves knowing the ins and outs of ever fighter's moves, stances and etc and if you expect me to know this shit you're dead wrong buddy.

You here me? Dead wrong, you piece of shit, you cock swallowing fuckrat, you putrid speck of diseased gorilla ejaculate, get out of my face! You sicken me.

Anyway, most of the guides online give you the same information, it's all PPKK>PK
Punches: usually faster then kicks, use them when you want to hit your opponent

Kicks: Usually slower then punches, but they'll pack more of a punch... wait. Eh, use them at your discretion.

Throws: These are good for when your opponent is blocking. Usually I can only manage to do the same one or two but other people can do a wide variety! Ask them how.

Blocking: Block your opponents attacks with a well timed block. Simply press the block button and your opponent will be shocked to find his attacks are somehow being blocked!

Running: Occasionaly, maybe towards the end of the fight, you'll want to run at your opponent by double tapping forward, then press the kick button. If it works out you should kick your opponent in the head, it makes you feel like a badass!

Other moves: ?

Well I hope you enjoyed this guide. Perhaps one day we will meet on the Virtual Fighting ground of Xbox live. Till next time readers

FIGHT!

Virtua Fighter Game Guide (part 2)

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 17:58:00 +0000

Yo yo what up in this hizz house my chums (sorry, I been listening to the new Bobby Digital, it be the shiznit etc) anyway on with our Virtua Fighter Guide. Here's some more characters plus some combat tips. Part one can be found lower down the page. I used most of my good jokes in that one so if you can only read one of these for some reason make it that one!

FIGHT

VANESSA LEWIS

Large breasted Vanessa fights for no other reason than a love of combat, she has travelled the world engaging in streetfights against all manner of characters- Robotic skeletons with swords for hands, three eight year olds standing on each others shoulders and carrying uzis, one time she even beat up 17 Lion Men and a Panda Woman (furry convention) This all makes her choice to leave her breasts pretty much completely exposed during battle even more puzzling. Sure it distracts the occasional fighter but, hey lady, you see that ninja? The one staring at you while licking a blade? He learned how to retract his testicles as a form of self defence 17 years ago and he still hasn't unretracted them. You might want to start wearing some sort of protective shirt.

In the heat of combat:

Heh, another fight (without looking swings her arm out, braining a curious monkey) Lets go!

I totally won that battle (turns to camera and bends over, winks and blows kiss) hey, ever notice I've got boobs?

GOH HINOGAMI

When eccentric billionare Rudolph Worsmt-Nuffikin assembled a team of the most evil scientists ever, then instructed them to create the ultimate fighter, people called him eccentric. When he later realised he'd made a terrible mistake and rushed to their secret lab of evil, only to find it mysteriously disappeared as per his instructions (he actually specified 'mysteriously' not just normally dissapeared) they called him a madman. But when his creation of evil single handedly defeated Stalin in unarmed combat, thus defeating the communist menace before Joseph McCarthy's Doombots could start rolling of the production line, they called him a hero and a patriot. The lesson? I really don't know, he's a talkin' zombie who does Judo, and maybe that's what really matters.

Heed His Threats:
Little girl, you are not ready to battle with me (relaxes, starts rolling a smoke) don't worry, take all the time you need!

With the power of Judo, I can defeat any enemy (pulls out tiny Japanese flag) Japan number 1!!!

JACKY BRYANT
Growing up under the shadow of her illustrious sister, Jacqueline Bryant always felt second best. No matter what she did it always seemed like Sarah was the one who got all the attention, all the praise and all the boys. When they sparred together Jacqui could never quite keep up, her sisters fancy footwork and razor sharp reactions overwhelming her, try as she might.

It was after one such session, with her body pressed down into the mud, held there by her sisters firm buttocks, shapely and ripe, promising untold pleasures and - Woah! Anyway, It was then that she reached the end of her tether, she had had enough, something must be done.

She considered her problem, her sister was superior in every way, no woman could defeat her! It was hopeless, but wait! What if?

One year later a new figure stepped into the Dojo, confident and pretty, with a certain sassy masculinity, this was the new Jacqui. You see she had realised the only way to defeat her sister was to harness the natural superiority of the male sex. It took many hours of painful surgery but the new 'Jacky' Bryant was ready to defeat his sister, and prove she was every bit her equal, no, better!

Unfortuantly it didn't work, Sarah continued to trounce her new brother in every battle and Jacky regretted his decision every day. Perhaps if he wins this tournament he can make amends, with himself.

He Says Things!:
Speed beats power everytime!(dances around, kicks) That's what I keep telling myself anyway

Wait, hold on, so you're saying paper beats rock? (looks at fingers in confusion) That means I've been a ghost all along!

EL BLAZE
Lucha Libre fighter El Blaze was hanging out poolside when he got the call, the new tournament was starting, they wanted him to fight. Looking at his butler with an expression of contempt bordering on disgust he asked the question, the answer of which was the only thing that mattered. "Do they still give you those official tournament T Shirts, even if you lose?". The butler nodded in the affirmitive. Whistling for his private helicopter, which was always on hand and summoned by whistles, El Blaze donned his best wrestling mask, it was going to be a good weekend.

Taunts:
With my acrobatic wrestling style (backflips into a summersault) no one can defeat me (cartwheels around ring, hugs adoring fans) Woaaaahhh!! (gets tangled in ropes comically)

I love fighting! It's good excercise, and healthier then sitting in front of the TV all day! (holds up cereal box) eat Luchios, they're Luchtaculous!

EILEEN
With her pixie like hair do, adorable monkey fighting style, heart full of innocence and spunky attitude, Eileen is a refreshing breath of fresh air in the sometimes stale world of Virtua Fighting. That only makes the sight of her being brutally manhandled, kicked over and over in the head, snapped over the knee of a psychotic giant and thrown into electric walls all the more ~~hilarious~~, distressing! What were you thinking Eilenn? What were you thinking?

Listen to her proud boasts:
I may be tiny, but my heart is filled with positivity, and that's enough to win any battle (does little nod) Especially the battle against the filthy Zionist menace.

Hey I won, can you believe it?(looks around at audience) seriously, this is pretty surprising, what happens now? I, I fight someone else? haha, yeah I- (starts looking increasingly alarmed) you're not joking?

Ok, so next time we're gonna round of the rest of the fighters, plus some combat tips!

Virtua Fighter 5 Game Guide (part 1)

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 09:51:00 +0000

Hey readers! I know what you're thinking "why hasn't sparkthenight updated, life is so dull without it's prescence. Wait, maybe it's updated now! No... still no update. I guess suicide is the only option." Well I'm here to say, Woah, relax, get off that balcony, put down that razor blade, call poison control, uh... un-set yourself on fire... ok, that's one reader I've lost but the rest of you don't worry! Here's an iluminating guide to Virtua Fighter 5

The latest in the Virtua Fighter series, number 5 truly lives up to it's reputation as 'the fighters fighter'. But that doesn't mean you have to be a kung fu master to be good at the game, no, all you need is to follow the advice outlined in this guide.

FIGHT!

CHARACTERS
The characters in this game are a varied bunch of cut throat martial artists, you must be familiar with all of them if you hope to achieve true mastery. Here we have some info on the fighters, along with some of their dialogue from the game:

AKIRA: Ever since being thrown out of a Ryu lookalike contest, Akira has been consumed with one passion, revenge. To this end he has trained night and day, honing his skills in order to become the greatest fighter, in the greatest fighting series of all! One day there will be lookalike contests in his honour, and no one will be barred in disgrace for trying to bribe the judges with oral sex! Unless they're fat.

Before match:
Victory will be mine! (punches through concrete) I'm at least eighty percent sure.

(yawning) Aw man, a battle? I'm already so tired (stretches, suddenly turns to look opponent directly in the eyes) tired from humping your mom all night long that is. She loved it, slag.

SARAH: Utilising the deadly fighting style 'Martial Arts', Sarah is easily one of the best fighters in the game. Speed, power, an array of most deadly kicks. She is without doubt as fearsome as she is beautiful. Also I love those earrings she wears, in fact I really admire all her accessories. Really. She's probably the best fighter in the game. 10/10.

(Sorry readers, I'm hoping that when she reads this she'll realise how much she likes me, then she might answer my letters!)

As witty as she is beautiful:
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win this battle (looks opponent up and down, curls nose) Make that very sure.

That's funny, I heard you were a great fighter. (spins, makes peace sign at camera) I should probably visit my ear doctor.

LAU CHAN Old man Lau should be the greatest fighter, but one thing holds him back, his age. As evidenced by the way he coughs before many battles, he is a sick man, no longer able to survive in the fast paced world of travelling around punching and kicking people. Can he persevere and win before his body gives in to the ravages of the several diseases he has? Or will he die, ashamed and humiliated when people find out the secret he's been carrying within him all these years. The secret that he doesn't know how to do kung fu at all, he's just been flailing his arms around wildly and somehow it's worked so far.

Pre Fight Taunt:
I may be old (whirls arms around, kicks air) but you are ugly!

You are far from learning true wisdom (cuts flame in half with hidden shoe-blade) incidentally, would you be interested in helping me transfer money from my Nigerian bank account?

JEFFREY WILD: The biggest and strongest of all the fighters, inside Jeffrey is a kind gentle man. Sure he may enjoy wounding animals, but it's only so he can nurse them back to health, yes, you may say, but isn't it true that he then goes on to wound them again? Well yeah, but that's only so he can nurse them back to health again, you know, to hone his skills, and, before you say it, he wounds them the third time so that he can give them to the orphans he cares for, so they may learn the joys of nursing animals back to health. Okay, so the orphans are only orphans because he killed their parents, yeah okay you win, he's just a big muscley bastard

In Game Boasts:
I am the strongest, (stamps on ground, roars, displays biceps) look at my muscles!

Ha Ha (waves arms like angry gorilla) It is fun to be strong. Ah 'tis true what they say, to crush the innocent is the finest pleasure of all!

KAGE-MARU: Being a ninja, kage maru's natural enemy is the pirate. HA HA, did you see what I just did? Pirates! Just imagine, a ninja fighting a pirate, they're natural enemies! ha ha, oh god.

Anyway, Kage is a such a crappy ninja he should be called a nonja. No matter how many different button combinations I pressed it was impossible to make him melt into shadows, throw ninja stars, deliver messages to his opponents via tiny robot or even assassinate a shogun. Sure he can do flips, but so can Robin, and do I have a poster of Chris O Donnell on my wall? Not since last Wednesday! Poor show Kage. Fag.

Battle Cries:
Niiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn(backflips)nnnjjjjjjjjjjaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The way of the ninja is really tough (throws knife through butterfly) bet you couldn't be one.

LEI-FAI: A devout shaolin monk, when he's not competing in martial arts tournaments Lei Fei can be found balancing on his finger tips for days at a time, carrying buckets of water up staircases only to pour them into a resevoir which carries the water back to the bottom, being at one with the universe and practicing air guitar in front of his mirror, he's getting pretty good!

After The Match:
That was (changes pose) easy (changes pose) why don't (changes pose) you try (changes pose) another time (falls over).

Looks like you 'Became One'. With my fist! (turns away from opponent, winces and places fist in ice)

PAI CHAN: She's Lau's daughter! Aww, she wants to follow in her fathers footsteps! Sounds perfect right? wrong. There's just one thing marring this little story, this perfect picture- of deceit!

Yes that's right, in the course of my investigations I discovered a few interesting facts about our friend Pai, or should I say Pui! That's right, Pui Ling, a professional actress from a small town in Tsingtao. Down on her luck, she got a mysterious job offer, pretend to be this girl Pai, fight in a few martial arts tournaments, do a few interviews and get paid a fortune. She's living from day to day, she's not going to ask any questions, no, the girl did what any of us would under the circumstances. She's not to blame.

But what of the original Pai, what happened to her? Well my friends, therein lies the mystery, the dirty secret hiding behind the golden Virtua Fighter facade, for you see THE VIRTUA FIGHTER TOURNAMENT IS BLAMELESS. THERE IS NO MYSTERY. I AM GOING TO RETURN TO MY FAMILY WHO I LOVE. LETS ALL ENJOY THE VF FIGHTS!

Threatening her Opponent:
I may be a woman (punches air, does high kick) but that doesn't mean I don't like fighting!

Although I do like fighting, I like kittens even more (kneels down to embrace group of kittens) tee hee, oh how they delight my tiny woman brain.

LION RAFALE
As a young, blonde, French boy Lion dreamed of one thing, becoming an accountant. His parents however had other plans, he was to be a fighter. Every day Lion would run away, find somewhere secret, open up his maths books and start busting those numbers, but his parents always found him and dragged him off to fighting school. No matter how much he begged and screamed they wouldn't listen, he was to be a warrior "Why do you think we named you Lion?" his father would ask, and that would be that.

What his father didn't tell Lion was, he couldn't even remember why he'd chosen that name. He'd woken up after a nights boozing and found out he'd made a bet with his enemy, Pierre McFrench, that he'd call his son Lion and train him to be a fighter. No way was he going to give that McFrench bastard the satisfaction of winning the bet. Besides, after a few years he forgot about his dreams of having an accountant son.

Get ready to fight:
Yeah yeah, let's do this (spin kicks, punches air, dances a little) hey, do you ever think there's more to life the fighting?

That was a pretty good battle (helps opponent up) you wanna maybe grab a coffee later? No pressure!

That's all for now readers! Next time we're gonna have some more fighters and some important battle tactics (sneak preview, punch and kick your opponent in the face)

What your Favourite Sandwich says about You

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:54:00 +0000

Ever since the noble Lord Sandwich declined to take a break from his game of Baccarat and instead insisted that his manservant bring him meat and bread, then placed the meat within the bread, then ordered his manservant be flogged for having a presumptious air about him, then made a ribald comment about the scullery maid, then requested a drink, then realised that the servant who usually made him his drinks was being flogged, then went to get the drink himself, then got confused as to the correct way to make the drink and had to consult the Viscount Sex on The Beach (who was also present), then had to grudgingly admit that that was a pretty good cocktail, then spent several minutes ruminating upon what it would be like to sleep with the Viscounts wife and exactly how the circumstances which would enable this to take place could be brought about, then had to adjust his pants as his erection was getting rather uncomfortable, then realised that the scullery maid was looking at him and that he was doing something rather improper for a man of his influence and prestige, then ran after her, while still adjusting his pants, shouting "wait wait, I can explain!", then, in his haste and off balance, tripped over a fold in the carpet, then, while tumbling headfirst down the stairway, made a mental note to have the manservant flogged for the shoddy condition of the carpet and was pleased with himself when he remembered he'd already done so, then landed in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs and hastily exclaimed "bugger and blast it all", then realised his wife and eight year old daughter were only just returned from Brighton Beach and had witnessed the whole affair, then told from the look in his wife's eyes that he would unfortunately not be getting flogged that night, then returned to the Baccarat table in a sulk, then remembered how hungry he was, then ate the bread with the meat in it and thus invented the food which would henceforth carry his name, man has always loved sandwiches.

But what can our choice of sandwich tell us about ourselves? Join me on this journey of sandwich analysis and find out!

Ham and Cheese: Boring and conventional, or at least that's what you want people to think, when at home you no doubt enjoy wearing ladies underwear, or, if you're already a lady, you enjoy dressing like a lumberjack or 1920's tycoon.

Ham, Cheese and Coleslaw: A twist on a classic, with Venus in the ascendecy this sandwich choice bodes well for a new love affair and perhaps a promotion at work. But be sure not to wear a raincoat on Tuesday!

Tuna, Coleslaw and Sweetcorn: Seriously, this is your favourite? Wait, without buttert or mayonaisse because the coleslaw provides enough mayonaisse already right? No way, me to! Man, we're sandwich buddies!

Salami, Ham, Beef, Steaks instead of bread: Hello!? Overcompensate much? Don't worry buddy, we won't think less of you if you put some vegetables in there. Discount the preceding if you are in fact a lion in a zoo or other caged animal, this is probably just your feeder trying to get a little creative at lunchtime, and who can blame him?

Vegetarian: Hey you know who else was a vegetartian? Hitler, that's who. I'm just saying is all. Saying you're Hitler (or worse then) that is.

Well I hope you enjoyed this look into the world of sandwich's and what they tell us about ourselves. I'm pretty sure the opening sentence was longer then the actual article, what up with that Homes? If you didn't enjoy the article... look, I, I'm sorry alright, Jesus, I'm trying my best here, just get off my back Jerklumps!

Like the pictures? Ok so they're just pictures of sandwichs but both these guys have cool stuff on theire flickr pages (including a rastafarian kitten, seriously, if you get nothing else from this article at least check out the kitty!):

http://flickr.com/photos/moriza/

http://flickr.com/photos/kitsa_sakurako/

Some cool videos for you

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:16:00 +0000

Blog Blog Blog Blog. Now where were we?

I've got the flu! I'm all drowsy and stuff from the pills I've been taking, I've been sick for about four days now. I'm hoping I'll be better tomorrow.

So politics, eh? These American elections are getting crazier by the day, it's pretty exciting! To be honest, as someone who is generally cynical about politicians it's also kind of sickening. I mean, when people are using Alaska being close to Russia and thus being from Alaska gives you foreign policy experience as an argument, regardless of whether they actually believe it or not, the fact that they can say something so incredibly stupid. I mean, that's just an insult, expecting people not to laugh straight in the face of such idiocy.

Still these people are the professionals, they know what they're doing.

Anyway, here's a great video that really shows how well everything is managed by these people:

it's just incredible really. Of course all this is just my opinion, not everyone agrees with me and who am I to tell people what to think? (answer: no one). It's life people, we should try to enjoy it!

So I was planning on writing something funny but I really feel too sick. While there is no cure for the common cold there is a cure for feeling bad though, check this out:

Wait a minute! I was about to embed another video, (then I was gonna say "looks like I got the embedding video bug too"(heh)) but Youtube won't let me. Can, can they do that? Apparently so, anyway

Katsumi Yamada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX21d-aDsNc
Ayako Miyake
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDqY8dWsLWQ

The dedication and determination and everything shown by these guys is really incredible.

Yeah that's all. Man this blog has really gone downhill recently I think. Oh well!

Guess who's back, back again... TRUE FACTS about feet.

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 11:57:00 +0000

Hey readers! Surprise. Yes I know I said I wouldn't post but I'm terribly hungover and thought some writing would distract me... It didn't work (don't worry, I haven't forgotten how time works, it's just that I'm writing this opening paragraph last,I know crazy right?)

Anyway, this is probably the strangest true facts yet. I hate it, maybe you might find some bits funny though! if you do it won't be from points 1-4, those bits are especially lacking in humour, wait I've got an idea.

Ok, I've added childish swears to the end of those points (I was thinking of doing it for each point but come on, that would just be ridiculous) Yes folks, comedy gold here at sparkthenight, encrusted with the jewels of self loathing and I'm going to stop now.

Whether bringing us from place to place, allowing us to express our inner selves through dance, or just fitting comfortably inside socks, feet are our constant companions throughout life.
But is their more to them then 'feets' the eye? Prepare to find out, as we take a journey into the weird and wonderful world of feet. A TRUE FACTS journey that is!

1. Humans, like the majority of our lesser evolved ape brethren, are bipeds, not quadrapeds like wolves or dragons when they're not flying. Break the word up a bit and you have bi (two) and peds(feet). It comes from Latin or Greek, one of those languages, probably Latin. An easy way to remember this is to think of your BIcycle, two cycles, and your feet go in the PEDals, foot... things. A good way to remember bicycle is to think of BI, two, the 2 forces of life and death, yin and yang, good and evil etc, and cycle, the eternal interplay of these forces. This symbol can be helpful:

This is an expecially good way to remember if you're Chinese. That is, remember feet or bicycles or whatever while being Chinese, not remembering that you are Chinese, if you need help with remembering your nationality you might have some kind of brain damage.

Poo Poo

2. Athletes foot is not what you probably assume it is, that is, a well honed muscular foot. It is in fact a kind of infection that... makes your feet smell and stuff, then you have to use powder, I dunno, I never had it. This was a bad choice of fact.

Wee Wee

3. Foot massages are fun to give, they can relax your friend or partner after a long day as well as being relaxing for the person giving them. But be careful if there are any trained masseus's (spelling!) around, they will no doubt complain that you're not looking after the toxins correctly and all sorts of nonsense.

Bum

4. Speaking of which, reflexology, now while a lot of people probably don't believe in this I'm fairly open minded myself and am not going to dismiss it. Anyway, one of the reasons I'm open minded is because of this: did you know that people who live in cobblestoned cities or towns live a few years longer on average then people who live in modernly paved cities? It's true, some researchers found it out one time. Their theory? A crude kind of reflexology caused by the cobbles!

I'm not making that up, interesting eh?

Fart

5. Another fact I'm not making up, did you know that if you sniff an apple every day for a month you'll lose four pounds? No shit, but don't ask me why. Probably because the delicious apple smell triggers chemicals that raise your metabolic rate or something... Anyway back to feet! (I'm counting this one because it's a fact)

6. Of course we all know that Perluigi Collina, the celebrity referee, invented the foot, travelling back
in time etc etc... zany mishap, unlikely character, random! You know the drill. I'm not gonna fix this, We'll do it live damnit! (man that reminds me I should totally write about that Bill O Reilly guy, ok, I will, but in order to not derail the article I'll have to keep it all within these... wait, these (), what are they called? Man, why don't i know this? Jesus... Anyway any writing kept within these () things doesn't count and therefore doesn't interrupt the flow of the article I assume. So, to be succint, Bill O Reilly's a jerk, but if he wasn't some other guy would be anyway, so what difference does it make?)

(I literally can't remember what these () are called... shit)

7. I really don't know very much about feet? Man.

wait... feet. man. Feetman! That's it! I've just come up with the best superhero ever. Get Marvel on the phone now!
(time passes)
Hello, Stan Lee? Listen I- Who I am is not important sir! Had you any sense you would mind yourself and listen good, I am the man with the idea that will save your company and that should be enough for you, you snivelling wretch.
Yes, what your secretary told you is correct, using the power of feet the hero-
What powers of feet? Clearly he can run faster then even the flash himself, his toenails grow and tear like wolverines claws, when falling on his back, he can push himself up with his emergency back foot, making our so called 'friend' the turtle look pretty bad Stanny. Yes and this also goes for his face, that's right his face is a foot. Of course his natural enemy is the muslim, since his hands are feet he can not shake hands with them without showing them a great deal of disrespect, however to not shake hands would also be showing them disrespect. Ah a cruel twist of irony if ever I heard one. Luckily muslims are evil so the audience will relate to him. Also, I'm sure he could make use of sole/soul somehow in his punning. And he has a Native American child helper called LittleFoot. They have a kind of ''will they, won't they'' thing going on.

So what do you think? Stan, Stan are you there? Hello!

Wait a minute, this isn't a phone. And why am I saying all this out loud?

(starts eating delicious eclair/phone)

Feet, feet, feet... Yeah... What? I still have three more facts to go? Alright then.

8: The poison of a foot is deadlier then the deadliest hand poison. That's why it's technically impossible to touch your own feet.

9: Queen Victoria was terrified of feet, the mearest mention of them within five miles of buckingham palace was punishable by being sent to Australia, Marbella, Ibiza and a variety of other desirable, sun-drenched holiday destinations. This is also the reason why being a 'footsexual' was not made a crime for many years.

WILLY!

10: when you're asleep your toes talk to each other and have little parties. Sounds cool right? WRONG! They're talking about how much you smell, and you're expressly not invited, what a bunch of assholes right?

Well that's it readers, now I'm off to saw my feet off, then send them to a woman in a creepy obsessive stalker kind of way (the joke will be on her, I won't even be into her that much!)

Till next time!

Thanks to http://flickr.com/photos/pictoscribe/ for the cool cobbletone picture.

Eternal Sonata and Soul Calibur

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:28:00 +0000

Hey blog! How's it going! Man, I haven't posted anything in a while, but don't feel lonely, I haven't forgotten you!

To be honest, I haven't had many good ideas. but, I have been playing Eternal Sonata, perhaps a review of that shall be forthcoming. It's pretty much the greatest game ever, in fact I dunno how I managed to avoid hearing about it. Mainly because I play Call of Duty I suppose, in that razor sharp murderous world of fast knives and faster bullets there's not much room to think about games where you play a small girl on a quest to find the worlds prettiest flower.

I like it a lot though, I mean I love Call of Duty and I've been playing Battlefield recently but, it's nice to have a game with a chilled out relaxed atmosphere, with plinky plonky lullaby music and missions to find the twinkliest star in all the sky (and now that I mention it how much do you think that music helped Final Fantasy 7 become so beloved?). But then you realise how great the combat is in Eternal Sonata. I've played through enough JRPGs to have gotten a bit jaded with MAGIC/ATTACK/ITEM. WAIT. REPEAT TILL YOUR EYES BLEED and wasn't really looking forward to another game of it, the fighting is a lot better in Eternal Sonata with timing, combos, etc... It gets more complex as you go on which is cool so far as well (I'm not too far into the game yet). Way to go for trying something new, Japanese game developers. Those twenty years flew by.

Oh yeah, and isn't it weird how Chopin is played by Anime Johnny Depp? This game must be like porn for Tim Burton. Well, hentai I guess.

I've also been playing Dwarf Fortress, I've been interested in this game for ages but my old laptop was so old, playing it was a chore. It runs fine now though, and also all the time. I'm on my third or fourth fortress, it's working pretty well but now I want to try to build an unusual one, if I have anything cool you'll be amongst the first to know blog!

The other game I've been playing is Soul Calibur 4 which is also fantastic. I've made a guy who's basically a samurai, but incased in steel, he looks kind of like Iron Man but he's also a kind of travelling Ronin, walking, perfectly balanced on the thin line between light and dark. It's much better then Dead or Alive 4 and more fun then Virtua Fighter 5. It's no Rumble Roses though, I found that to be a vast improvement over the other Rumble Roses games, in fact in my opinion it's the best game on the Xbox360.

And also on any console ever.

Condom Buyers Guide

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 08:46:00 +0000

Sex sells, or so my mother always said, maybe that's why she spent every night walking the docks while I said around at home in my underwear, biting tin cans in a futile effort to reach the food within. That's not important now though, what's important is sexual health. So enjoy this guide to purchasing prophylactics.

Condoms, rubber johnnies, another euphemism. Whether you want to enjoy yourself with your loved one, engage the services of a person presenting themselves as a commodity allotment within a business doctrine, or take part in hollow empty sex with a stranger you find yourself too disgusted by to even look in the face, you're going to need to put one of these on the old fattening stick.

Back in the olden days people used the intestinal lining of goats to sheate their snake. It was as hazardous and ineffective as you can imagine (as long as you imagine it was somewhat effective). This was because back before electricity was invented people had no way to entertain themselves. They would do everything in the most horrible way possible, then laugh at the disgust that would be felt centuries later by their ancestors, they were simpler times.

IMPORTANT ADVICE: You can still get those old school condoms and might want to if you or your partner are hippies, have an allergy, or are just different/outrageous. Well don't, use a proper jism receptacle. This guide assumes you are going to use a latex or polyurethane cock sock.

'Shut up, just shut up', you scream frantically, 'Who cares about this shite? how do I get them? That's what I want to know you stupid bastard!'. Well calm down gentle reader (and button up, you're liable to have someone's eye out with that thing), follow the advice outlined below and soon acquiring jimmy hats will be as easy as painfully falling down an icy stairway, or throwing a stone at a dog.

PHARMACY
Ah the pharmacy, along with pub vending machines it serves as the first point of call for would be Casanovas. Many people feel a bit nervous buying dong sarongs here, and if you're a straight man there's a good chance your lady will make you do the shopping alone. Now most pharmacists are used to this, it's no big deal to them if you're planning on doing the horizontal charleston, ok, so some business's still have the giant arrow that descends from the roof along with a klaxon, pointing out you filthy perversion for all to see, but there's at least a...70 percent chance this won't happen. So chill yo, Just do this ese:

1. Approach the counter. If there's a queue you may have to wait, while doing so try to attract the pharmacists attention by waving your hands and making a 'riding that pony' gesture with whoever's ahead of you. This will let the pharmacist prepare for being in the presence of someone who's going to be 'getting some'.

2. Uh oh, it's an attractive lady! You can't say the word condom to her, quick, turn red, start casting your gaze about nervously, stammer, start frantically grabbing items! Eh eh, hemmerhoid cream, vitamin tablets, yeah, and some of those adult diapers. Refuse a bag, just bundle everything against your chest and make your way to the exit. Bump into an old lady and drop your stuff. Say "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over, start crying.

3. It's a man/neutral gendered person, also it's not the father of your innocent virginal girlfriend, let's go! Now, you did ring the pharmacy in advance didn't you? You remember the code don't you? So whether the bald eagle hunts by moonlight, or the smelly leper loves to eat fish, simply repeat the code and leave the shop.

4. Check your post! If you followed the above steps correctly your (con)Dom Johnsons should arrive within 5-7 working days.

SCHOOL/COLLEGE
If you're a student you're in luck. As well as having a wide variety of potential indoor sports buddies (people you want to fuck) you also may be given free condoms by your college or university. As someone who attended the 'university of life' (not real university) I can't really help you here. But you're so smart you should be able to figure it out for yourself, Captain Einstein McGenius.

If you're in secondary, or 'high', school, you probably won't be provided condoms and your teacher may be fired for even mentioning them. This is because if young people hear about sex from teachers then they will be aware it exists and will instantly start having gangbang daisychain parties. No, better to let their young mind bathe in the gentle innocence of youth, a world free of pain or sadness.

GAY CLUBS
Yes, many gay clubs have people who stand around outside them offering free saran penis wrap (note, come up with better euphemisms). They will usually be more then happy to give you a handful. While you're there why not step inside and have a drink, maybe do some coke, perhaps pop into a cubicle and receive a handjob? After all man, life is about being open and having new experiences, and no one can please a man as well as a man (gay people, stop this tactic, it doesn't work (or maybe that's just what I want you to think? (it's not))).

YOUR PARENTS
Now no one likes to think about their parents having sex, it's just, 'icky', but face facts! If your father didn't give your mother a good seeing to that one time then you wouldn't be here! Hah! Think about it! Anyway, your parents probably have some condoms. Now you can either:

Root through their drawers in the hopes of finding your stretchy latex friends. This seems sensible, but literally every time this has been done the person searching has found:
Dildos
Bondage gear
Porn
Photos of their parents naked
A video of their mother being double teamed
etc

No, best to just ask them directly. Wait till your parents are together, (or even better with friends, bishops etc) march right up to them and look them in the eyes, hold their gazes steady for a minute then clear your throat. Keep clearing for about another minute. If they try interrupting you, clear louder and angrier. Clench your fists and work you jaw. Those veins on your head standing out yet? if not you're doing it wrong. Keep this up until your resolve breaks down. Turn away defeated. No sex for you bucko.

Thanks I hoped you liked this guide and that you find it useful. Remember, as annoying as condoms can be, giving someone you love an STI is a whole different type of horrible. Fair thee well readers, good fucking!

These are the guys whose photos I used. I am attributing them! I finally feel like a real man!
http://flickr.com/photos/danielmorris/
http://flickr.com/photos/paulk/
http://flickr.com/photos/drexler/

Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:04:00 +0000

So today was the day I had to buy a new jacket. The summer's ending and I couldn't put it off any longer. It was an important task, fraught with danger. I was beset on all sides by fearsome enemies. Enemies such as high prices, shoddy workmanship, practicality. But, as if those foes were not enough to contend with, I also had to face that most elusive of beasts, style. We had clashed before, both had had our victories, and while this wasn't to be our last battle, it was nevertheless one which neither one of us could afford to lose.

To cut to the chase, I was eventually successful in my struggle. I procured a jacket which it seems was destined to be mine. May The Lord God himself grant us a long and fruitful time together.

However, I learned something while upon my quest. A man's choice of jacket is as important as, maybe even more important then, any other decision he will make in his life. A man's jacket defines him, strips away the layers to reveal the person underneath, and serves as a mirror into his soul. Through a careful study of jacket choice, might we not learn what it is to be truly human? Let's find out in our Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza!

Summer 2008 Mens Fashion Jacket and Coats Blogablogooza

The Trench Coat, timeless, potentially facist. You're a noirish gumshoe, a Leone villain striding through the wildest west of all, being a no nonsense guy in the fast paced technoliteral 21st century. You're Neo in The Matrix (first two only), or maybe one of the agents from Syndicate. You're Al Capone, gunning down coppers for kicks. Endless mystery awaits those who stray too close to the endless lengths of your 'buttoned cloak'. Who is this dark stranger? Silhoutted against the night sky somehow? It's you, you trenchcoat wearing motherfucker.

Leather, which you might remember from it's earlier guise of 'cow', is the manliest of jacket materials. Aside from being made from a dead member of a bitch ass species who should have spent more time evolving thumbs and less time growing stomachs... I- I'm sorry, my ex-wife was a cow. No, aside being made from something dead, leather also has loads of cool conotations. You see a guy in leather and you're thinking, there's a tough guy, a terminator, riding his motorbikes (yes plural), while listening to Motorhead and stabbing someone up. Mix it with the trenchcoat and you have someone whose unbearable soul destroying torment could not be understood by us foolish mortals. A white shirt and some jeans and watch out 50's values! You're about to be hit with a concentrated burst of Fonzesque non conformity, fuckhead!

Blazers, originally sporting clothes, began to be used by those crazy trend setting youths of the 1920's. "how you like me now, convention", they'd say stiffly. This was so deeply shocking to the values of the time,that dozens of pounds of damages were recorded through monocle smashings alone. There was public outcry when the news came from a popular beach that several women poked their heads out of their bathing cabooses to better catch a glimpse of a gentleman wearing a blazer. Several people fainted and drowned as a result of seeing so shocking an exhibit of public lewdness. "I'm the big cheese now fuckholes", the unamed man was recorded as saying, shortly before punching the mayor.

The Parka is the jacket that you had to wear when you were a kid. Probably not if you're an American though, You guys skip to the next one. Ok, so Parkas, they were originally made by Inuits to survive cold artic nights, but to those keeping it real old school style they were the jackets that said, "Hey, I'm a child, my mum dresses me, these are cheap, why don't you do the math?" Confident and sassy in the coldest of temperatures, they were a jacket that unfortunately could not last, as anoraks came to be associated with pre internet geeks, some of the least fashionable people ever. However recently they have become cool again, albeit in a stramlined, slightly ironic, fucksticky way. Godspeed Parkas.

Ah, the High School sports coat, no doubt a fine coat, whether bonding during detention, being a werewolf basketball star, trying to have sex with a girl, or taking part in any of the many other activities that are commonplace in American schools, they are an essential part of the fabric of the rich tapestries that are our lives. Why not try thinking of your many experiences with these coats, cast your mind back, think of what it feels like to hold one of these sacred garments, to feel it's softness against your skin, to know what it is to be truly needed, needed to complete a jacket's destiny, and to propel your football team to success in the Grand Slam High School Superbowl Championship. You can do it you fucking cunt.

Blue, our friend, true facts, about it

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 09:47:00 +0000

Hey readers, how's it going? Today's a public holiday which means no work, as I write this I am sitting drinking coffee while only wearing my underwear, Hurrah! And my plans for today? Well since it doesn't look like rain they are as follows

1. Go to city
2. Buy book.
3. Sit in park, read book.
4. Girls passing by; "Oooh, Oo iz ziz mysteriou homme avec un livre" (they're French) "Perhaps we should, ow you say, make out avec le beau stranger"
5. ~~Weep bitter tears of loneliness.~~ Kiss adorable French girls.

So wish me luck readers, here's some more True Facts. I'm trying to write one of these every couple days alongside with other stuff... Do any writers reading this think that's ok? Surely getting into the habit of writing regularly is what's important. Even if it's stupid? Eh, I dunno, the problem is that to write about something you need to form an opinion on it first, man, I'm too lazy to form opinions, I mean look at me! Anyway, blue:

Blue, one of the most popular colours ever. But what lies beyond that happy go lucky facade? Come with us now, as we explore this mysterious pigment.

1. If someone were to tell you "I'm feeling Blue" you'd probably try to cheer them up. Imagine how surprised Lee Traverson was when, after he said it, the police were called. You see Lee was refering to the music group Blue, whom he had drugged and kidnapped. After a 12 hour stand off with police Lee was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for "Inconveniencing a pop star"

2. Did you know you can tell a lot about someone from their favourite shade of blue? For instance, look at these three circles, they look pretty much the same but are in fact slightly different shades, After a few seconds you should find yourself drawn to one in particular.

Ok, have you picked one? Well if you picked the leftmost or centre circle, relax, you're fine. If you picked the one on the right then stop reading my website. You fucking nonces make me sick.

3. Everyone knows blue and red don't get on too well. Their heated rivalry has been enthralling the world for decades, but few know how the fued was started. Well basically red was going out with yellow for a while, ah you didn't know? Yeah man she's been with everyone. Anyway, red comes home one day finds her in bed, he's suspicious but not positive. She's trying to convince him nothings wrong yeah? Saying all this shit to him, anyway she gets him to sit down and goes to get him a drink, he's sitting, looks at her as she walks out and that's when he sees it.

Green all down her back.

4. Most humans aren't blue. In fact, should you find yourself, or anyone you know, turning blue you should immediately seek medical attention as you are no doubt suffering from hypothermia or a respiratory problem.

5. Blue is the colour of the skies, and the oceans, and the eyes of a girl I once loved many- Whoah. Ahem. But did you know blue is also the colour of the human soul? So says renowned soul hunter TJ McWolfclaw

"Yeah, they come in all sorts a blue", He informed out reporter, "Cept when you got the little bastards cornered, the fear makes em darken see. Then they take on a kinda, purplish, hue."

He then proceeded to spit his chewing tobacco into a nearby spitoon, making a perfect 'ping' noise, which confused our reporter as the spitoon was made of wood.

6. Blue is the colour of depression. One time I felt really blue. It was like I was walking, when suddenly the ground gave way below me and I was hurled into an endless abyss of darkness. I went swimming through eternal fathoms of emotion and blackness and, well long story short I successfully sued the city for negligence, serves them right for not replacing the manhole like that.

7. You know why in fast food places etc people always wear blue gloves or food arrives in blue plastic containers? It's because there are no blue foods, so If a bit of plastic falls in it will always stand out. Why are there no blue foods? What, you think this is 10 true facts about food? Man, it's never enough is it. Just, just go, get out of my face.

8. "I'm blue Dah dah dih dah etc" so went the popular euro dance song 'blue' a few years back. I've got nothing interesting to say about this song, it wasn't very good but at least you could dance to it I guess.
No wait, weren't those guys italian or something? Didn't they rap during the song? I've nothing against Italian rap mind, at least I've heard some that was good. I don't speak Italian but from what I heard it sounded cool and my friend informed me that the lyrics were hilarious. Anyway, point is the rap in this blue song was ridiculous. Which is why I'm ridiculing it right now. Take that music guys.

9. Hey! You know what happened to the Hindenberg? It blue up!

See blue sounds like blew, I, I'm sorry that was terrible.

I, I guess you could say I really blue it?

Well we hope you enjoyed this peek into the twisted gears and cogs that interlock together and help produce our favourite colour. Coming up next, maybe something good?

10 True facts about lions.

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 09:42:00 +0000

Here are some true facts about lions.

1. Lions are the undisputed kings of the jungle, having won the crown in a thrilling three way final between themselves, gorillas and bears. But did you know who the king of the lions is? Why none other then tennis player Pete Sampras!

2. Lions are wild beasts who care not for the laws of man, but can they be tamed? Experts contacted by this website said yes, and "The first man to tame the lion shall rule over the rest of humankind like an emperor, fear his mighty feline army." When we inquired as to whether the lions would have machine guns grafted to their back the expert looked startled and, backing towards a heavily guarded lab door, said "yes yes, we shall see... plans! plans are in a habit of... changing. Mhwu Hwu, hahahaha!"

3. One of the most famous lions ever, Aslan, is widely considered to be a metaphor for our lord God. Well he's not. Don't even pretend he is because you're wrong.

4. The hair of the male lion (it's mane) is highly valued in some schools of Asian traditional medicine, where it is used to appease bald ghosts.

5. We all love delicious Lion bars, crispy stuff, caramel, plus something else, all covered in milk chocolate. But did you know their name is nothing more then a marketing gimmic? That's right, so called 'Lion' bars are in fact made from leopards.

6. Famed 1920's strongman Herr Wundermuscle claimed he could defeat a lion in unarmed combat. Promotors jumped on the chance to see such a stirring exhibit of mans undoubted supremacy and the show was heavily promoted. Over 40,000 people packed into the hastily named 'Wundermuscle Stadion' to see the spectacle. They were left dissapointed however, the lion snuck a homemade shiv into the ring and was disqualified in the first round.

7. Lion scientists, or, as they probably like to be called, Liontists, have recently discovered an interesting fact. Their tests have revealed that if a lion sneaks up on you in the night and roars directly into your ear you are 97% likely to shit yourself. Fancy that!

8. Anyone who has watched a nature documentary can tell you that female lions do all the work, while the males sit around like useless idiots. That's the reason why lions were honoured by the worlds advertising agencies for, 'inspiring us to reach new levels of advertisingment'.

9. Disney's 'The Lion King' introduced the world to Simba. The loveable cub who grew up to be a king. But in real life Simbas story didn't go too well. Bankrupt only 5 years after the films release, he turned to drugs(catnip) to escape the world. Last year he was detained in the Phillipines. He had been caught as part of an FBI pedophile sting, the 8 year old boy he thought he was buying was in fact nothing more then some pillows and a football helmet artfully arranged under some blankets.

10. Have you ever seen a lion in real life? If you answered yes then congratulations, you're an idiot. You see lions project what liontists call a 'hyplox-cascade-resonator-array' no, I don't know what that means either, but basically it allows them to 'bend light' meaning that when we look at them, we in fact see 'through' them. But wait, what are we seeing when we think we can see lions? "harmless cobras" said our expert. "hahahahahahha".

There wasn't that funny. Hey guess what just happened, I lost my phone the other week. Anyway I always lose phones so I wasn't too worried about it, but one of my friends just rang me to say he got a message from my number. 'It's fitzer, I've got your brothers phone, I want my money' heh. Looks like the scumbag who stole my phone had it in turn stolen from him. The circle of life continues.

10 TRUE facts about plants.

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 22:51:00 +0000

Plants have been our friends ever since the first caveman gave his sweetheart a flower. The relationship quickly became more complicated however as the next caveman bludgeoned the first one to death with a piece of wood and took his lady. But did you know there're more to our mostly green friends then meets the eye? Read on and be amazed by these 10 TRUE facts about plants.

You may have heard that that plants can feel pain. But did you know that they really like it?

Plants come in all sorts of colours, except blue. If you see a blue plant please alert your local law enforcement authorities. Make sure to inform them that, "somethings not right about these plants".

Many films have been made featuring plants as the bad guys, Day of the Triffids, M Night Shyamalan's The Happening... and other films. What else do all these films have in common? They're all stupid. Please note this does not include every film featuring plants as bad guys, for instance The Evil Dead 2 or Lord of The Rings 2 (the Ents were bad guys from the point of view of the orcs.), just those films which think evil plants is a strong enough premise to carry a entire film.

Ferngully the Last Rainforest was a film that taught us plants were our friends. It featured Robin Williams playing the part of a ''wacky'' bat. Many people were offended by the films insensitive portrayal of the serious problem of mental retardation in the bat community.

The Redwoods are the biggest plants on our planet, but not in our solar system. That honour goes to the planet Mercury, which is in fact a giant, and very hot, orange.

You can drive through some of the Redwoods, but don't try to drive through a normal tree, you will find that your car becomes badly damaged. If you can drive through a tree without suffering any damage please consult your local exorcist, as you may be a ghost.

Tomatoes! Are they fruits? Are they vegetables? No one's quite sure! But one man thinks he might have the answer; disgraced former lecturer at the University of Milan, Eduardo Pettelini, claims that they are actually a highly evolved and malevolent race, dating back from biblical times and originally designed to be the "footsoldiers of Satans nightmareish army". Interesting, but we needn't start burning down Tomato bushes just yet, Pettelini's clearly a madman.

Humans murder thousands of trees every year, it's our right. However some coconut trees have been attempting to fight back, dropping their delicious fruits onto the heads of unwary humans who attempt to sleep under their lush branches. The solution? A virus that scientists are currently working on, which they hope will eradicate all plants by the year 2017.

Oxygen, that comes from plants and without it we wouldn't be able to breath. But, if you think about it, isn't it just plant shit?

We've seen all sorts of plants over the years, trees, flowers, moss and coniferous, but what does the future hold? Researchers in Japan are currently working on a new type of plant. They can't disclose too much, but they did tell us it's expected to be at least 30 metres tall, with a bipedal design and knowledge of advanced fighting techniques. Those crazy bastards!

The Dark Knight, greatest film ever? (no)

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:19:00 +0000

So I saw The Dark Knight. It's fantastic, definitely the best Batman film, but I don't think it's anywhere close to being the best movie ever. Which is something that some people have said.

I'd consider myself a Batman fan, but not a Batman expert. I mean, I've watched the films and shows and read some of the comics. The Dark Knight's, well, dark, and complex, and long. It's very, very intense, there's some fantastic moments of humour, as hilarious as the Joker is, Batman one ups him when he throws a mobster off of a very small building. You expect ludicrously horrible jokes from the Joker, it's more unexpected from Batman. Well not really that unexpected, he is hilarious as Bruce Wayne after all.

So there are some funny moments, but they're generally pretty pitch black in tone, lost amidst a sea of intense misery and craziness. I just feel like I shouldn't be thinking of words like 'grueling' when describing the best movie ever.
Also, the film is so complex and intricate, now I get that people like that, but for me it's like, here's the story and I've got all the pieces watch me put it together, I prefer where there's room for mystery and ambiguity stuff.

Anyway never mind, Yeah it's a great film, but the best movie ever would transcend boundaries and be loved by everyone etc... I mean it's not universal.

But my point is that people are going crazy over this film. And of course Heath Ledger died, leaving this final incredible performance as a hugely iconic character, I mean he's no Jack Nicholson- only kidding I loved him in this film. But, the whole thing reminds me of when Princess Diana died, people went crazy for a while, mass hysteria. Leaving some people a little embarrassed.,

From That:
"It has become an embarrassing memory, like a mawkish, self-pitying teenage entry in a diary," wrote Jonathan Freedland in The Guardian about the mountain of flowers, teddy bears, and free-flow of tears outside the palace gates. "We cringe to think of it."

Anyway maybe it's not that, I'm just saying it shouldn't be discounted. And it would be ironic because isn't Mass Hysteria exactly what the Joker wants? Maybe this is Ledger's revenge from beyond the grave.

Also it was cool that Scarecrow was back, but he's got no more fear gas anymore, it's like 'Hey scarecrow, that's a nice mask you got there, any other powers?'
'Ah... no'. No it was cool that he was still using fear as a weapon even without the gas, using the fake Batmen like that.
edit: no he wasn't. Still the mask itself is a little scary.

Anyway, great film, not something I'd be inclined to watch again, not the best film ever: The Dark Knight gets 9/10. That means it also wins the Sparkthenight Award For Excellence, congratulations The Dark Knight.

funny hypothetical questions! Monday double update bonanza!

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:12:00 +0000

So, what’s this update going to be about? I really don’t know. Can you do me a favour? Glance below these lines and see if there’re words. If there are inform me, as it would be reassuring to know I’d managed to write something.

Ok, here’re a series of hypothetical question, answer them if you dare!

You’re really hungry, starving, you haven’t eaten for like 6 hours. Someone hands you a slice of pizza, it’s your favourite pizza too, smells so delicious, only problem is you’re pretty sure the guy has pee on his hands. What do you do?

You’re just chilling out when suddenly you get taken aboard a flying saucer. The aliens tell you that you’ve 1 minute to prove to them that humanity is worthwhile or they’ll explode the planet. You know what to say! You’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life! You just ate a tablespoon of chilli powder on a dare and your mouth is ablaze while fiery mucus streams from every orifice on your face! What do you do?

You’re at a press conference, accepting congratulations from the world for your heroic deeds in saving humanity from the aliens. The king himself offers you his daughter’s hand. Suddenly a reporter jumps up and asks you if it’s true you consumed half a tab of acid two hours before your encounter with the aliens? Then he turns into a dragon, but you don’t have your +5 against dragons long sword! What do you do?

Your pay still hasn’t come through and you need to pay rent! You ring your employers and they tell you you’re not being paid because you haven’t shown up to work in over a month. You’re wife’s no help, being a cat she is incapable of holding down a job. Why did you marry her in the first place? What the hell? There’s a knock on the door, it’s the debt collectors. Fuck, those bastards are here to repossess the TV! You’re eye falls on the chainsaw you keep running at all times beside the front door, for ‘emergencies’. What do you do?

You’re driving in your car on your way to the big job interview, suddenly there’s a accident! Those people might be injured! You get out to help them and await an ambulance. When the police show up people point at you and start accusing you of driving on the path on purpose. Hey shitfucker who you calling crazy? So what if one of the injured is your ex, what do they know? The police start moving towards you and you remember the car’s stolen and also, fuck fuckity fuck! You forgot about the bodies in the trunk. Aw man this is bad man, shit! Think! What do you do?

Where are you? You look down, handcuffs? Why are you wearing handcuffs? This is a courtroom, but the judge. When did your brother become a judge? Alright, this guy, the lawyer, he’s saying everything’s sorted, just go up there and when the judge/your brother asks you a question you say yes ok. Just say yes.

Your brother turns to you “is this true?” What were you supposed to say again? What’s this in your pocket… a knife, no! The question, the answer’s important. Where did this judge get your brothers face? That’s the question, your answer will be written in pain!

What do you do?

I can't think up a good name for this update.

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:06:00 +0000

Hello, it’s sunny today. You know when you’re used to rain every day a bit of sun in the morning makes all the difference in the world. Especially on a Monday, because Monday means back to work! If you start your week in a good mood then you’re more likely to help other people be in a good mood, everyone happy and smiling with a cartoon sun in the sky that wears sunglasses (just to look cool, he hasn’t considered it further than that, and won’t, no one tells the sun what to do).

Anyway I was reminded of the importance of the sun and being happy this morning by a little encounter I had. To set this up I’ll have to talk about something I was going to post about but didn’t. So prepare for an enthralling look behind the scenes of sparkthenight, an illicit peek behind the wizards curtain. Ok, more like a tentative rummage through the hobo’s bindle, but nevermind, let’s do this!

There’s this chick (aw yeah, see how I talk about women? alpha male baby!) Ok I’ll start again. Every morning I get a cup of coffee on the way to work, nothing strange about that you say. Well yeah I know, hey a lot of people like coffee it’s not special, stop… stop looking at me like that. Anyway, sometimes I get my coffee at a certain place. Not all the time mind, they have poorly made cups, which can leak, stain and scald and no one wants that in the morning. Maybe some people do, but, if I can be frank, if you’re one of those people I hate you.

There’re a few different girls who work at this place and they are friendly in a kind of here’s your coffee thank you that’ll be all way. That’s great; it’s all I want in the morning. Also, and I’m sorry, one of them has got one of the greatest asses I’ve ever seen, I mean seriously it’s like damn yo (cool hand gesture of some sort) that shit be defying gravity and et cetera.

So, one of the coffee shop girls isn’t nice and friendly like the others. I’d approach the counter, she’d be sitting reading a book, glance at me wearily and slowly approach the counter, “One cup of coffee please” I would say cheerily, I was extra cheery because she seemed so down. She would turn, get the coffee, turn to the register, turn back for the money, all while never making any sort of eye contact with me, not even a cursory look! “Thank you” I’d say to which she would grunt (seriously, how often do people grunt responses in reality?) and that would be that.

“You fucking moron” you are now no doubt screaming in incoherent rage at your monitor “Stop wasting my time with this nonsense, Jesus!” Well ok I’m getting to the point, well the end. Also, Shane will be fine (heh).

So this carried on for several weeks, I would be super cheery, she would be sullen. I made up a whole story in my head about she had some PHD in super important studies of the future and was forced to work a shitty job where annoying guys act really chirpy to piss her off. For all I know that stories’ true. Incidentally I don’t mean to sound like I was crazy obsessed over this girl, this was at most one minute in my day maybe twice a week. However, she was nothing but a morsel in my psychic spiderweb of cunning, be sure of that.

Then one day, after I ordered my coffee and was fumbling in my wallet, she says to me “you know”, like “you know how much it is” and looked at me. In the brief moment our eyes were locked one thing was clear, she knew my game, and she wasn’t having none of it.

So that was it! Yeah sorry folks but there’s not much more to say, I figured it wasn’t interesting enough to warrant talking about, just one of those little things that can make the boring parts of life fun (it’s called the power of your imagination). I kind of stopped getting coffee there recently for whatever reason.

Wait! Until today, oh yeah that’s what I was saying at the start, about feeling good on a Monday! Oh, and it was the first time for weeks. Yeah so let’s go.

Today when I got my coffee it was different, no more was she sullen, she smiled! She actually asked “what would you like”. She seemed slightly taken aback when I said coffee, more like nonplussed, in fact I had a feeling she thought I was someone else. It was a little bit weird to be honest.

Anyway so she gives me the coffee and she’s smiling at me and I’m smiling back (like quick little smiles, we weren’t making moon eyes or anything), and it was like something happened but I wasn’t sure what?

I think she saw I looked confused so she starts saying, “it’s Monday, it’s the start of the week, it’s important to be happy on a Monday” (that of course is only basically what she said, I don’t listen to people very well, it’s the gist)

“Cool” I replied “that’s a great philosophy”

She seemed happy with this answer and, with a few more smiles, I departed. Then the coffee cup burst all over my shirt.

Haha, that didn’t really happen it was just a punchline. No what happened was I was struck by how much better I felt because of that little exchange. Also the whole situation is a bit weird and funny. Thank you coffee shop girl, and thank you whatever caused her to be happy today. I’m going to assume it was you The Sun so thank you, you’re temporarily off my enemies list.

Also also also, one final thing, she was being kind of flirty now that I think about it. Hmmm, interesting, we shall see, yes yes, (steeples fingers, face become cloaked in shadow).

Semi Pro review

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:20:00 +0000

So I saw the new Will Ferrell movie Semi Pro the other day and thought I’d write about it.

First off, I liked Anchorman. I know a lot of people didn’t so I’ll try to explain why I liked it.

One thing is I hadn’t seen much of Ferrell before so his kind of humour was pretty fresh to me.

I also love the whole gleeful childish idiocy of the film, it has no real purpose except to make you laugh. People don’t learn lessons or grow or become better people. Ron Burgundy has the mentality of a spoilt 5 year old throughout. I don’t know, it’s always hard to explain why you find something funny, I don’t think Anchorman is a great movie or anything, just hilarious.

Anyway this is a different film, some bits were pretty funny, if you like it you like it fair enough. I’ll just write about some possibly interesting things that I thought about it.

First, this isn’t a movie trying to be Anchorman. Yeah a lot of humour is similar but the director seems to be doing a different thing. More effort is put into making the film look good, and it does look better but is that important in a comedy film?

Now, since Will Ferrell plays pretty much the same character in a lot of movies, child in mans body type, this makes it difficult to write a film with him as the main character. He’s basically a cartoon character which makes it difficult if you want to show mature adult relationships and stuff.

So what they’ve done is brought Woody Harrelson is in the movie as the other lead. I think they do a pretty good job of this, the film doesn’t feel unbalanced and it works.

Harrelsons storyline also brings up a problem. He’s back in town to play for the team but really because he wants to get back with his ex. You see he used to be a real asshole and he cheated on her and stuff, but now he’s learned his lesson and become a better person and she’s the woman for him. That’s all well and good but then you reach the problem, see she’s already with a guy and they live together in a seemingly happy relationship.

Now no one really sympathizes with a guy stealing another guys lady, so usually in films they make the boyfriend out to be a real asshole, then you want them to get together. That or they just kind of ignore it and you’re left wondering afterwards.

What this film did is different, they made the boyfriend out to be a complete moron who loves Harrelsons character and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his hero wants his girlfriend.

So part of you thinks, if this guy’s to stupid to realise what’s going on then he deserves what he gets.

Then they have a scene where Harrelson tricks him into leaving so he can get with the girl. Only problem is the boyfriend forgets something and when he comes back he catches the other two having sex.

The joke is that he loves Harrelson so much that he gets really into it and starts masturbating, they do a similar thing at the end of the film just so you know the guy’s fine.

So basically what they did is, instead of making the guy an asshole, they made him into a kind of person who doesn’t exist in reality. Harrelson steals another guy’s girl but the other guy isn’t really a human so it’s ok.

There was also a scene which I thought was the best part of the movie and I’ll write about it now.

The guys, Ferrell and teammates, are having a game of poker. They’re being manly, insulting each other and stuff, until one guy takes it too far and calls someone else a Jive Turkey. The joke is that this is completely unacceptable, it’s ok to call him a cock sucker or whatever but jive turkey crosses the line. Nowadays no one cares about people calling people jive turkeys, ha ha things were different in the seventies it’s a joke.

So the guy he’s insulted pulls a revolver on him and it’s really tense, eventually he reveals the gun’s empty and everyone laughs and relaxes. Of course having gone through all that stuff they are acting a little crazy, they pass the gun around, say what they really feel about each other and pull the trigger, laughing all the time.

Now what’s funny here is the way they’re acting, what they’re saying to each other, but also, most importantly, the audience knows something’s going to happen with that revolver.

So after five empty chambers Ferrell has the gun, and if you’ve been counting you know this chamber has to have a bullet, and eventually he shoots his crotch, no bullet, and the future children of his character breath a sigh of relief, but the audience is a bit annoyed, until he throws the gun on the table where it shoots a bullet which eventually hits his friend, the guy who called the other guy a jive turkey.

So you have the build up of tension, then the release, then the building up of a subtler tension (which plays on the audiences expectations of cinema convention) before another release, and then the punchline, all interspersed with different jokes. That’s a good funny scene.

Another scene I enjoyed was one I really didn’t think I would. Basically it’s a scene where Ferrell pukes. Ok so ‘gross out’ comedy has pretty much been done, often badly, but this one realises that it’s not seeing the character vomit that’s funny, it’s how it happens. This one really goes to extreme ridiculous lengths and I though it was very funny, but, It doesn’t actually show Ferrell puke, the humour is all in the build up.

This is a good way to do a scene where you want to show something bizzare or horrible. Think of the ear cutting scene in Resevoir Dogs or The Blair Witch Project, the director sets the mood and expectations but leaves the ‘climax’ to the audiences imagination. Once you build it up enough your job is done, whatever you show after that can’t compete with what the audience will imagine.

I think that’s also the main reason the new Star Wars films were hated.

U.S. elections, hot teen stars

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:14:00 +0000

So they’re having the presidential election in the US. I love following these elections, they make for some nice escapism from the depressing stupidity of my life, they can be scary though, you have to ignore the reality of the power this person is going to have and what they could do and learn to just enjoy the race.

What I love most is the ridiculous stuff on either side. An interesting thing lately is what’s happening with this guy Obama.

Yeah the big deal with Obama is that he’s black! OH MY GOD! It also looks like he’s going to win so there’s that. He seems decent enough for a politician but I’m not gonna pretend I’m smart enough to know what’s what in regard to this stuff. He talks about change a lot but you know at the end of the day politicians are politicians

Anyway at some event a while back Obama and his wife bumped fists, you know like how guys used to in the hood or how you’d do with your friends in a kind of jokey way. It seems like a pretty cool thing and is probably symbolic of how times are changing and stuff. So that’s cool. Except then Fox News, this hilariously ridiculous propaganda network who support the guys who won the last couple elections, decide they’ve never even heard of this fist bumping, that maybe it’s a, a… terrorist fist jab!

Terrorist fist jab.

Tonight on Fox: He claims he was saluting the American flag, a moving display of patriotism? Or a pedophile arm attack?

“Here to explain this to us is author Mitch Burgenvale, so what exactly are we seeing here Mitch.”

“Well I’ve heard people refer to it as shaking hands, but some viewers might be more familiar with the term Satanist hand grasp, or rapist, evil, un-American.”

“Interesting, and what do you know of the origin of this strange, foreign custom?”

“It’s hard to say, some people say it was originally a coded message used by Muslims, the idea being that a non Muslim would recoil at the touch of pure evil. When they found someone out to be a non Muslim they would of course stone them to death before raping a bible.”

“And liberals want these people to run our country? Now, she’s our hottest young star, but is she going off the rails? Here are photos of 18 year old singing sensation Cindy Whatserface drinking with friends! Here she is not wearing make up! Here she is coming to the realisation that her life in the public eye has been draining her, sucking her soul out of her body so that all that’s left is an empty shell which can be manipulated and used by whoever has money.”

“Here she is, watching Weekend at Bernies and being struck by the realisation that that’s all she is, a dancing corpse that everyone thinks is alive inside.”

“Here she is desperately trying to block out the world with drugs.”

“Here she is looking at her friends and realising she doesn’t know who any of them are.”

“Look at her lying in the gutter, surrounded by photographers, the laughter of the crowd and the click of the cameras all she can sense. Desperately wishing she could have peace, knowing it’s impossible”

WE SHOULD ALL BE LIKE HER. THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT. SHE MADE IT. LOOK AT HER LITTLE GIRLS. THIS IS WHO YOU SHOULD BE. THIS IS WHAT WE REWARD.

Wait, I guess I should get back to Obama.

So they called it a terrorist fist jab. They are ridiculous, the phrase is ridiculous.

Then the New Yorker magazine went with a cover of Obama and his wife bumping fists, while he’s dressed as a terrorist and she’s a black panther.

They’re putting all the rumours and implications about Obama from the people at Fox and others like them into one picture, this is the image that people are spreading with their words except, well, it’s an image.

I think that’s a cool thing to do but I’m wrong because it’s offensive. I don’t really understand the logic behind what’s offensive and what isn’t so I’m not going to say anything.

Anyway, and we are very nearly at what could be considered my point here, I read about this picture in the newspaper. Here’s part of what they said:

The picture shows Obama bumping hands, which some commentators have called a terrorist fist jab.

So now I realise I don’t have a point, that’s it. You can try to find a point, a reason for this horrible garbled mess, if you want.

Oh well, anyway yay elections, yay democracy.

You know I really start these with the intention of writing something informative and interesting. The problem is for every opinion I have on a subject I often have many other, often contradictory, opinions depending on when you ask me. It makes it hard to write coherently. Well I guess I should focus on fiction in the hopes that someday I’ll get good. What’s important is I’m putting some of my thoughts on paper and that’s for the best.

99% of life is confusing and stupid and arbitrary and it doesn’t make sense and if you think you can make sense of it you’re a fool but we all try to make sense of it anyway so I think I’m just going to keep writing stupid things and try to enjoy myself whenever I can and not worry about it.

Thoughts on future robotics/The return of Neproxis

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 15:58:00 +0000

I can't wait till neurosurgery and robotics have advanced sufficiently to allow you to put your brain inside a robot. I for one definitely plan to become a cyborg when I get old.

I don't want one of the standard human style bodies though, maybe at first. Hmmm, maybe just start by replacing more and more body parts with robotic parts? Or go for a plug and play model which can be customised? Man, it's not going to be for years and years but the choices are already so hard!

I mean you want legs yeah, obviously legs are fine, but what if you're walking down the street, going somewhere with your robot legs, having a good time when suddenly some guy glides past you with rocket booster legs? I want those!
Or maybe someone with telescopic legs, stepping easily over obstructions? Or a tripod man? Hmmm no wait, tripod man couldn't have sex...

Do you think the cyborg men would have cocks? I mean, ok I want my brain and cock put into/ grafted onto a robot body. In that order.
Unless science has invented something better than sex, in that case I want to do that.

Think of the possibilities of arms, your left one could have a swiss army hand, each finger has a different function, psychokinetic suppressor, laser, ultranet interface, mood ray, corkscrew.
If you flip back the panel in your palm you can see the fusion reactor.

Do you think they'll have to install extra safety features once people start accidentally bringing down airplanes when using their laser finger to light cigarettes? Do you think people will continue shining the lasers into footballers eyes to put them off?
Maybe that's why we're all going to wear reflective clothing, shit, they'll have to ban mirrorballs in clubs.

What if you had a tentacle hand like Dr Octopus? That would be pretty cool. They could install beams to connect buildings in cities and you'd swing your way to work. Could be a hazard to flying cars though.
I think I'd like a ridiculously excessively unhuman arm though, it's massive steel bulk gleaming with malevolence, dirt and grime and traces of things you try not to think about. It would be disproportianitly large, like the sword of a character in a Final Fantasy game.
I would act nice and pleasant at all time, as if unaware of the horrific tool of death fused with my shoulder, the mini jets which support it complaining and sputtering, and if people pointed it out to me I would be surprised and apologetic.

"Oh this? well.. you know to be honest I forget about it, tell you the truth I can't even remember how I acquired it, isn't that funny."

Gentle chuckles all round, people holding cocktail glasses move closer.

"Careful there young lady, wouldn't want to get oil on your dress, haha. No, it is an ugly old thing isn't it, oh watch out!"

The growing crowd step back and gasp as a mushroom of dirty fire belches fort from somewhere inside the engine of the arm.

"Ha yes it does that every week or so, toxic build up you know, here."

Pressing one of the evil red buttons on the side causes the arm to emit a pleasant pale blue cloud.

"There, that's better, a pleasant scent isn't it."

"Quite! Tell me Mr Tenental, what is it? It seems to be, haha, it, ah... it's making, ha, things seem funnier."

"Yes, it does have that affect. My brain has been hardwired to resist it of course. Ah, everyone else has had too much."

The sound of bodies gently hitting the floor surrounds us.

"But not you, Diminisher. You're mind is made of sterner stuff, however you should soon find yourself unable to control it. And you're already unable to access the powers it grants you"

"Diminisher? Mr Tenental, I'm not sure what you-"

"Drop the charade Diminisher, I've been looking for you since Cylon IV. Surprised? Thought you were the only person left who new about what you did there?"

"But, haha, hahahahahahahahaha... no one lived, I would know if you were there. Mr Tenental you can't have been."

"Heh, don't you realise it's not Mr Tenental you're talking too."

The Diminisher peers through the fog, sees my unconscious body is hanging limply from the arms side.

No, you haha ha, Neproxis, haha you- hahahahah"

"Yes I survived the explosion. Tell me, how long did you agonize over the decision Diminisher? One of earths greatest heros, founding member of the infinites, destroying an entire planet? Wiping out an entire culture, thousands of species, all to stop one machine. How does it feel to know you failed? To know the cost of failing to destroy Neproxis

"HahahahahA!OW, arghhhhhe hah-"

And with that the arm of Neproxis drops the hero's remains, detatches itself from my body and, blasting a hole through the roof, flys away through the clouds.

The future's going to be fun.

WWE wrestling games are stupid

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Have you ever had one of those days where everything's been going well for a while and then suddenly fate comes up behind you, pushes you over and starts kicking you in the face and then as it walk away laughing you pick yourself up and start smashing your face into the ground over and over till all thats left is broken bone, blood and flesh in a vain attempt to block out the world?

Well today wasn't one of those days but it reminded me of one for a while.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Actions have consequences
Keeping stuff in perspective is good
Be nice to people even if they're different to you (no connection to my day but cant be emphasised enough)

Anyway here's todays post, it's about those Smackdown versus Raw games, FUN FACT: Todays update is the longest so far!

Has anyone ever played any of these EA Sports official wrestling games? I first played them back in the day on the PS1, when they were relatively good games. Ok, so wrestling is of course completely retarted but that’s not a barrier to being a good game. Look at Gears of War, the advertising campaign for that tried to convince us that a game about giant alpha males who murder space monsters with chainsaw machineguns contained an emotionally deep and complex story, a claim so ludicrous that the first time I saw the trailer I managed to destroy my keyboard by spit-taking coffee for a complete minute, and I don’t even drink coffee. The game was still a thrilling rollercoaster ride for about 5 hours.

No, the original PS1 games were ok for their time, not as fun as the old arcade wrestling game that laughed at your drug habit, but ok. Then the PS2 ones came out, hey! look at this, it’s the exact same game engine except with a couple of new areas, weapons, moves etc thrown in. Great! I never actually owned one of these as I am far too mature to purchase a ‘wrestling’ game, (also I’m poor) but it was always fun to play with your mates, horribly violent and retarted fun sure but fun nevertheless. I mean the controls were pretty clunky, and it was occasionally hard to predict exactly what your wrestler would do, but any game where you can make a monstoress deformed freak with fat legs, one 6 foot long arm, a picassoesque face, curvature of the spine etc and then face him off against The Rock gets a lot of leaway in my book.

It was at this point, just before the release of the final PS2 game, when the designers reached a crossroads, they could make a final game with all the best of the previous games, a final send off before moving onto the new generation of consoles, or they could release a stinking sack of stupid then laugh while rubbing money against their faces and sniffing cocaine off of prostitutes breasts, secure in the knowledge that the gamer/wrestling fan demographic would buy anything approved by Vince McMahon.

Being EA they chose the second option.

You know, I don’t even want to continue this. These games are so depressingly stupid and full of laziness and bad decisions that it hurts my brain a little just thinking about them. I suppose it is important to come to terms with traumatic events in your life though. Maybe it’s time I… stopped running and admit that I was running… from myself. Ok so let’s go.

The fine athletes in Professional Wrestling Style Sports Entertainment of course use weapons, so logically they are in the games. What was funny about the PS 2 ones (and sorry if you want to know which particular ones, smackdown/raw something) was that somehow an obvious placeholder sound affect had slipped into the finished game. You’d hit someone with a chair and get a bizzare unnatural ‘boink’ sound. A big slip up but forgiveable. What was surprising however was that they didn’t even replace this sound for the Xbox360 version of the game. In fact, this sound has now featured in at least three of the games. Hey, but they did staple the ability to see a wrestler’s sweat onto their 10 year old engine, so it’s not all bad.

The control system is also fun. Say you want to pick someone up, it’s simple! Merely walk up to them, stand in the correct position relative to them, press the button to grab while avoiding the analog that will make you throw them, then press the button to lift them while pressing the analog in the correct position, then merely press the analog again to either; move from side to side, spin, or place your opponent gently back on the ground. Pro tip, your wrestlers stamina lets him exert himself for 10 seconds at a time before needing a break, placing your opponent gently on the ground is always the sensible option!

Yeah, the stamina of the wrestlers is just ridiculous, you can punch someone three, maybe four times before needing a rest. It works out to about 30 seconds of catching your breath for every 5 seconds of kicking ass. You’d think this gives your opponent an unfair advantage but no, he’ll be too busy desperately mashing buttons in a futile attempt to make his wrestler move. FUN!!!

You have to go through about 17 saving/loading screens everytime you want to fight.

You have to play the single player campaign for hours before you can choose what pictures are displayed while loading. Meaning you have no choice but to stare at hundreds of pictures of oiled up steroid abusing freaks before you can change it to pictures of women and Carlito (he wears a nice T-shirt). Look EA, I get enough people calling me gay in real life without my games doing it too. What’s next? If you beat the game Vince McMahon appears on the screen, points directly into the camera and tells me I’m wasting my life? Because now that I think about it that would actually motivate me pretty well… man.

Oh hey, why don’t we make the games soundtrack consist of about 3 seemingly identicle, blandly corporate, metal songs that would make even Fred Durst rethink his life through the power of their horribleness.

Good idea! Hey guys, the next round of chimp brains is on me, ha ha, muh hahaha!

I could go on but what’s the point? anyone who enjoys these games won’t change their opinion, and anyone else will just think less of me for getting so worked up over them. These games make the world a worse place to be in and that's not good.

Hey! If you want to see the gears of war trailer I was talking about it's here, I don't know how to put it directly in the article. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccWrbGEFgI8

Also they took out the really deformed John Merrick style wrestling possibilities, I forgot to mention.

SPARKTHENIGHT: Now with editing

I’m so wet baby/ subconscious fuckery

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:07:00 +0000

I am very wet today, and not in the good way. I woke up this morning in a lovely warm bedroom with lovely warm dreams in my head all snuggly and comfortable. I put on my cold functional work clothes, well my jacket’s ok, and left the house, stepping into rain that I believe would be described as torrential. So I started walking to the train station, annoyed at myself for not having the forethought to have an umbrella with me and for having only a light ‘summer’ jacket when I realised I’d forgotten my wallet.

So I walked all the way back to the lovely warm bedroom, retrieved my wallet and went back to the station where I missed my train. There of course is no rain shelter at the station so I stood in the toxic deluge and waited. So eventually I get on my train, travel to the station where I get my tram and, hey cool looks like the tram stop's closed, refurbishing the line? Great! I’m sorry what’s that you say? it’s hard to hear you over the rain, the next stop is closed too? Cool!

So anyway blah blah I’m wet and miserable. Although I did get to spend 15 minutes awkwardly positioning myself under a hand dryer, so the days not been all bad!

Speaking of dreams, I never remember mine. You know how people remember their dreams and then for some reason think you’d be interested in hearing them (so it wasn’t your mother? And then you were in Paris? And your face melted? And the ground was purple? And you were looking for your keys? No, please continue. I am completely and utterly entranced by this thrilling narrative)? Well I never remember mine, except for maybe in those seconds betwixt sleep and wake. A time when it is said the gods themselves have a pure conduit to a mans soul! Never mind that last sentence, I’ll calm down now.

Anyway, so whatever my dreams were, I don’t know but I had a vague memory that they were vaguely interesting stories. I read a while back about how some writers write down their dreams to get ideas so that thought was in my mind. I thought to myself “Lucius (I kind of like that name), Lucius, perhaps if you slip back into your slumber YOU WILL RECAPTURE YOUR DREAMS WHICH I’VE A FEELING WERE GREAT STORIES!”

“Ok” I replied to myself “ I have about 3 minutes before I have to get up. This better work”

So I slip back to sleep a little and, believe it or not, I was looking at some sort of book or dvd back cover. “Oh great I’ll just read the blurb” I thought “Cool”

So, just before I start reading, this person pops up, obscuring the video cover, and starts talking some nonsense. I don’t know what she was saying but that’s not important. What’s important is that I realised, my subconscious is fucking with me. I mean seriously, it knows what it’s doing. What this is, is my subconscious intentionally and maliciously trolling me.

(Hey now that I think about it wasn’t this plan doomed from the start? Because your right hemisphere is dominant when you’re dreaming so you can’t make out words? Stupid right hemisphere…Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s true it was in an episode of Batman the animated series one time.)

Anyway, Subconscious: I’ll get you, I don’t know how but I’ll get you you slag. You think you’re safe? Secretly dictating my actions from your lair? In my own mind? No, you are going down my friend. And I mean friend in that sarcastic threatening way gangsters say it.

I’m pretty sure my subconscious can’t read italics, don’t worry folks I’m not crazy, this is just phase one of a scheme to get more sex dreams. Stay tuned for updates!

Do Androids Hate Electric Gypsies?

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:14:00 +0000

The court of cassation decided this did not show Mr Tosi was a racist, but that he had “a deep aversion [to Roma] that was not determined by the gypsy nature of the people discriminated against, but by the facts that all the gypsies were thieves.”- 01/07/2008

Political shenanigans in Rome there, and speaking of Rome it is apparently 35 degrees there.I read this this morning, while drinking my coffee and hugging my jacket tightly around myself in a futile effort to stay warm in the cold wind and rain that is the Irish summer. Still at least we don’t have to deal with filthy Roma thieves, the gypsies encountered in Dublin can usually be dealt with easily enough, I find a swift kick to the baby is usually more than suficient .

I also saw Bladerunner last night, whatever the new version is I’m not sure I think it’s called the definitive edition? Anyway any Bladerunner in the cinema is worth it. I was late though so had to find my ticket which was craftily hidden inside a model robot advertising the new Pixar film.

I’ve seen, or at least tried to see, Bladerunner many times since I was probably about 8 so I’m pretty familiar with this film, as I assume is anyonre reading this. Since this time was my first time seeing it on the big screen I had to watch it properly. Knowing this I managed to fall into a gentle slumber three times during the first half. This is of course the only true way to watch the movie, if you’re not semi conscious up to the bit where Harrison Ford kisses Sean Young then you clearly have no appreciation of Vangelis’s haunting score.

Speaking of that scene, it’s always struck me as one of the strongest bits of the film. Ford is pretty subdued throughout and when he grabs her and pushes her against the wall the you can really feel the passion. It’s the absence of strong emotions before this that gives it the impact, Ford metaphorically grabbing the audience and sticking his metaphorical tongue down their throat, “wake up, time to die”

Having seen this film a lot when I was so young I must also say that this has probably had an impact on my own girl kissing, there are times when you have to be a man for your lady like Harrison Ford.

It’s also interesting that this emotion/passion is coming from two replicants, perhaps they are the only real life left on this dying earth? And yes I said two replicants, Ford is clearly supposed to be one even if he says he isn’t, it makes the film much more interesting if you imagine he is anyway.

So another fantastic part of Bladerunner is Rutger Haeurs speech at the end. Now apparently Haeur was inspired and wrote this 5 minutes before shooting the scene. I want the world to be like that so no argument from me. There are several different ways I’ve looked at the speech:

When I was young I didn’t understand, why does he save Deckard just to tell him this and die it makes no sense!

Then I thought, maybe he wan’t to be ‘the better man’ that is, he doesn’t want Deckard to live but he shows him this act of kindness in a ‘who are the real monsters, ah’ kind of way.

Then I thought, maybe with Daryl Hannah having been killed, oh and Daryl Hannahs performance also shows how the replicants are more ‘alive’ then the humans but nevermind, he obviously wants revenge, but then when it comes down do it. He realises, his life is esentially over, She’s dead, what use would there be in another death on this dying world? He accepts death as inevitable and sees the futility in revenge, he achieves peace in his last moments.

However I’m not sure that interpretation makes sense in the context of his running around naked like some sort of finger breaking dog so never mind.

Anyway now what I think is that, yeah, all those reasons are true to some extent, but the main thing is he just doesn’t want to be forgotten. The moments he remembers that he talks about being lost,. Isn’t that true for himself too? When he dies he’ll fade out and go like all of us, but he won’t have any family or friends to remember him, all he has is the man/replicant (“you did a real mans job” heh) who was trying to kill him. By saving him and whispering these last thoughts he will live on at least for a while. It’s very sad but also beautiful so good work Mr Haeur, why couldn’t you be in anything else good?

Anyway the weather remains bad, my plans of going to the park for lunch, reading a book in the sun, watching the little duckies… all these plans are lost… like, tears, in rain…

More Like Mugaybe

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:43:00 +0000

We are not going to give up our country because of a mere X. How can a ballpoint pen fight with a gun?

Robert Mugabe-June 2008

Stirring words from Old Bobbie Mugabe there. A true believer in democracy who knows that opposition parties are secretly funded by white imperialists and the only way to stop them is through sytematic murder, beatings, rapes etc. Come on Mugabe, we all like that shit but you gotta do a better jobs coming up with excuses, this isn’t the nineteenth century, us whites aren’t about that colonising stuff anymore, we just want everyone to live in a happy world where you can get a cup of coffee anytime of the day and night, surf the net and have some beers occasionally. Bobbie, Why must you place your foot on the tail of the metaphorical kitten of our dreams Bobbie? We used to love you! See: Oh well, I’m going to have to give you a B-, good dictatoring, could be better.

Anyway now that Zimbabwe isn’t exactly living up to it’s breadbasket of Africa title anymore you gotta wonder who is supplying the Africans food. If it’s you could you maybe post in the comments so we know? I have basically no idea here. See it turns out that a lot of other people who should be making food started making biofuels instead for when ~~we run out of oil.~~ when the world screeches to a halt, planes start tumbling out of the sky, the rivers run with blood, the rapture happens but so does ragnarok then Odin and Thor team up to fight the four horsemen, Frost giants ripping the faithful Jesus loving rapturers out of the sky and hurling them and Egyptian crocodile men…

Shit, I’ve no idea what I was talking about originally, but nevermind, wouldn’t it be cool if every one of these end of worlds happened at once?! You think the different gods are aware of each other? Would they know what was happening or would it be like when you get to your seats in the cinema and someones already sitting there? “I’m sorry but could I see your ticket? Hmmm, mine says M24 too, where’s the usher.” Or do you think they’d just instantly start fighting it out. Then while, for example, Jesus has Buddha in a headlock (I don’t think Buddhists have an equivalent myth but just go with it) he gets distracted by something, what is that, you see it? Of in space, wait that’s not an angel it’s…

Boom! that’s the scientology space battle fleet arriving, ripping through space, a vast battlefleet powered by the souls of a trillion screaming ghosts (again I am assuming I understand how these religions work) “Whoooah shit, it’s on now” screams Jesus as he tosses a shotgun to Baron Saturday “Let’s lock and load.”. The Baron doesn’t say what he’s thinking which is, did Jesus say Lock and load ironically? He must have, but even then it’s not cool. I mean the robot said it in that Star Trek movie, and that was years ago, no he doesn’t say that, he instead says, “look’s like it going to be a bloody Sunday.” Then the battle to end all battles begins?

Hmmm, I dunno, maybe some theological sholars can help me out. Anyway, my point is, I know we all love oil and it’s great (and I’m not being sarcastic here, well a little, I do love being able to fly places cheap etc) but I think eating is pretty fun too. I know what you’re going to say here ”look at those Argentinian rugby players in the movie Alive, they had to resort to cannibalism and it worked ok for them!” Well all I’m gonna say is that sometimes movies aren’t a completely accurate retelling of events. Those Argentenian rugby players had a pretty traumatic time and I for one wouldn’t want to go through it. If you still think cannibalism sounds fun then I hope you like my blog, Armin Meiwes. You sad disturbed man.

So, how about we don’t turn all our food into petrol, maybe try to find something else to use as fuel and maybe, just maybe, we, and this is controversial, chill the fuck out as people and stop making and consuming so much shit? Maybe slow down a little folks, after all, life moves by pretty fast, if you don’t stop to enjoy it sometimes maybe you’ll miss out. And while I’m on the subject, this summer, action is spelt WACKY. Then Adam Sandler flips out and screams at an old lady and we all laugh till our mirth has drowned out all our thoughts and hopes forever.

Uncovering the Homosexual Agenda

shane.yarr@gmail.com (shane) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:42:00 +0000

So in the finest traditions of blogs, I assume, I’m gonna comment on something someone said in a blog about another blog which was talking about what someone said in a different blog and etc till everything is destroyed in a nightmareish vortex, sorry blortex. anyway, over on Mighty God King he was talking about hate speech law and stuff. There was a link to this letter which as you can see presents us with a very serious problem. Namely, the homeosexual agenda is out of control and destroying our children and… Well I’m not sure but morals!

So after all this reading about the homosexual agenda, ok so I just read that article, I realised I still have no idea what this agenda is. Which is weird when you think about it because I’ve heard people complain about it a lot, you’d think someone would explain what exactly it is. Ok, so what do we have in this letter, well, there is that reference to NAMBLA at the end. But NAMBLA are pedophiles you say, not homesexuals! That’s true, but you’re clearly forgetting about the binding Treaty signed and ratified by the leaders of the pedophiles and the homosexuals wherein the pedos lend their political muscle in support of the homos agenda, in return for which the homos promise to hold the door open for the pedos.

Don’t ask me to explain anymore about it. This door is another thing I’ve heard lots about but never actually seen, all I know is, when someone, lets say marijuana and gay marriage (they’re a couple), gets through that door they immediately push the host (Shurgunoth, protector of children) out of the way, giving their friends (heroin, orgies for six year olds, Mr and Mrs Bestiality and the rest of the gang) the opportunity to run in through the door and dance and party. Meanwhile everyone else in the world sees this and cries and pulls at their hair screaming “There’s nothing we can do! We left the door open, open. Now the armies of Lucifer are free to march to war. I can already hear the dreadful wailings of their bone flutes That accursed portal has doomed us all”

So leaving aside the door for the moment what else of substance do we have here. Ah, there’s a reference to the homos camps. No reference to what happens in the camps but camps are good, if someone has a camp you know they’re the bad guys, people love that shit, Steven Spielberg made a movie about the Nazi concentration camps and Spielberg knows what the people like. Then there’s the WW2 POW camps, exciting adventure, manly men working in the hot sun, making elaborate plans, putting on shows, communal showers, leather, David Bowie kissing a Japanese officer… Hmmm, I think I can see where he’s going with this but I’m not quite sure. Plus that stuff was like 50 years ago, what the hell does it matter nowadays when we have microwaves and bluetooth etc? I’ll tell you what it matters, not a jot!

So far pretty dissapointing, these sodomites are obviously a tightly knit well diciplined organisation to keep their wicked schemes guarded so. But I’ll find you out yet buggerers, I merely have to study Rev Boissoin’s text some more to learn of your agenda.

Oh and this is nothing to do with anything but that’s the guy who wrote this, Rev. Stephen Boissoin, get it? Boissoin like Poisson, french for fish, that’s right, Rev Stephen Fish! Ha, what’s the matter? You upset because people laughed at your stupid fish name in school? “Oh mother, the gay boys keep laughing at me because my name is tenuosly connected to fish. Boo hoo hoo.” Well don’t worry, we don’t make fun of peoples stupid names here.

To be honest I can’t really find anything concrete about the agenda here, I think that this might be a mystery beyond my powers of deduction. However there were a few more sentences that caught my eye.

My banner has now been raised and war has been declared so as to defend the precious sanctity of our innocent children and youth, that you so eagerly toil, day and night, to consume.

I love how the gays have nothing better to do then toil day and night to destroy the kids sanctity. I mean, logically shouldn’t they be spending at least a little of that time having sex with one another? I’ll take your word on this one though Fishy. However I do have to ask how you came about this information. Now unlike some people I’m not going to suggest you’ve installed cameras into the bedrooms of the worlds gay people in order to monitor them, that would be crazy. Actually wait, how about we just do that anyway!

Face the facts, it is affecting you. Like it or not, every professing heterosexual is have their future aggressively chopped at the roots.

I honestly have no idea what the hell you’re talking about here, however it did make me think of a giant gay lumberjack so I guess that’s ok.

It's time to stand together and take whatever steps are necessary to reverse the wickedness that our lethargy has authorized to spawn.

Again I’ve nothing clever to say except that I deeply love this sentence. Also, somewhere out there our lethargy is stamping a form X-789, permission to throw a puppy of a cliff, someone has to put a stop to it’s blatant authorising of wickednesses.

I really have to stop now. Suffice to say the only way that letter could be any crazier would be if it had been written by Nazruloth, the fourth demon lord of madness who rules his undersea dominion where the pain dancers… wait, undersea? Boisson? Noooo…. *sound of blortex ripping*